Are You a 'Sexual NPC'?

The term NPC is a common one in video games, and has now been adopted into regular slang language. What does it mean? In video games, it is short for “non-player character” and refers to “filler” characters pre-programmed to serve specific roles in the game. NPCs stand apart from “player” characters in that there (generally) is no real or thinking person behind them. These characters simply follow dialog/action rules from a script written for them.

The term NPC has now been adopted into slang; according to Wiki, it means “someone who doesn’t think for themselves or behaves very predictably." If someone is acting like an NPC in real life, for example, they might repeat the opinions of others or act according to a script or social norm, or like a caricature.

You might be wondering how this has anything to do with sex. Seemingly nothing, but the link formed for me when I came across this definition as I was sifting through thousands of answers from regular couples describing why they avoid talking to their partners about sexual turn-ons.

As a topic, sexual turn-ons are one of the most uncomfortable things to talk about. Since having these conversations can increase sexual desire and function for long-term couples (Mallory et al., 2019), I wanted to know what might be stopping people from having these titillating declarations.

After several hundred descriptions of embarrassment and awkwardness, I noticed two themes emerging, and both were remarkably similar to the (slang) definition of NPC. Some people were describing themselves as if they were sexual non-player-characters (sexual NPCs) and others were describing being treated as if they were a sexual NPC by their lover.

People who act like sexual NPCs

One of the most common worries I read was, “I won’t know what to say, because I don’t know what I like.” These same folks described "doing sex" in a way that seemed automatic, in a way they felt they “should” or that they had seen in movies (or porn), rather than what was driving them internally. They seemed to be trying to fit themselves into the narrowness of the sexual script—what society tells us is acceptable or "good" in sex. This sounded remarkably like the definition of NPC: someone who follows the rote script of what they are supposed to do, only sexually.

People who treat their partner like a sexual NPC

An equally common worry was a little different. These people have talked to their lover about what they like, but their lover either doesn’t listen or listens but “knows better” about how to please them. Several people mentioned that even though they kept telling their partner what turns them on, their partner just wouldn’t do it, or do it for long enough.

“I am afraid that if I tell him what I like, he will do it a few times and then go back to knowing better what works for me.”

This is a complaint I have heard far too many times in my office. We can all guess what stimulation our partner wants or prefers sexually, and we may even be correct the majority of the time. Still, our lovers will always know better what works for their own body and mind. They may not be able to express themselves in a way that makes sense to us, but they know better. Period. As soon as anyone assumes they know better about another person, they are making the other into a sexual non-player character.

Why do so many people seem like sexual NPCs?

Most of us have never been encouraged, or we have been actively discouraged, from knowing our own sexual turn-ons. For example, in our current sexual script, it is not uncommon that a heterosexual woman is given the role of “gatekeeper” in sex and encouraged (directly or indirectly) to focus on a man’s needs over her own. Women may, therefore, be culturally encouraged to be more like sexual NPCs.

Men may not be actively discouraged from determining their own turn-ons, but it is not uncommon that men feel they have the role of pleasing a woman. He is supposed to know what she likes, even without her input. Many men will openly declare their turn-on is "pleasing women," but when asked about their own pleasure they are just as stumped by the question. This means our culture (media, porn, etc.) may be helping to churn out sexual NPCs, pre-programmed by the sexual script to be unaware of their own, or their partner’s, turn-ons.

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Becoming a sexual player character

The best sex happens when we know what turns us on, can communicate it to our lover, and our partner will listen (MacNeil & Byers, 2009). Here are some tips and tools to help us to take the “N” out, and become a full sexual player character in our own lives.

Tips to become a sexual player character:

1. Refer back to a peak or memorable sexual experience. What was happening? What were the surroundings like? What were the elements that made it so special?
2. Answer the question of “how” you want sex, not “what” you want. How would you like to be touched? How would you like to be approached? Use tools such as QTIP to help you find out and get the language to talk about your turn-ons.

Keep in mind that some folks may get turned on by the “N," by either being a sexual NPC or being with a sexual NPC. For example, this can take the form of a fantasy or role-play of “being used” as a sexual object. As long as both people are happy with their roles, congratulations on finding one of your turn-ons. Enjoy, and have fun with it. Just make sure to check in with yourself and your lover to make sure you are both still enjoying your roles.

Tips to treat your partner as a sexual player character:

1. Remind yourself that your lover knows their sexual body/mind best.
2. If your lover is having trouble expressing what they like, ask them what turned them on in the past. If you don’t understand or it doesn’t make sense to you, ask them to show you. Or watch a video together and talk about it. Curiosity is your friend.

Taking the “N” out of sexual NPC to become a full sexual player character can take some adjustment. But this journey is worth the effort, as it is not only exciting and pleasurable in the moment, but can bring sexual fulfillment and confidence for the rest of your life.