The Joys of Sexual Mistakes

Flimsy erections, unusual sounds, oozings, too much moisture, too little moisture, elusive orgasms: These are the embarrassments, the “failures,” the cringe-worthy moments that can shut down a sexual moment. But are these really mistakes? Or can they be opportunities to have amazing sex?

The perception of a “sexual failure” is directly linked to performance. Those who believe there is a ‘right’ way to do sex will also believe there to be a ‘wrong’ way to do sex. And believing there is a ‘wrong’ way to do it can remove all of the joy, pleasure, and connection from a sexual encounter. The belief that sex should be done in a particular way is also associated with higher rates of sexual dysfunction, lower desire, and lower sexual satisfaction. And it can rob the pleasure from our lover as well.

So, what makes for higher sexual desire and satisfaction? Sexual expression. And sexual expression is linked to? You got it, being able to do things ‘wrong’ and not getting too twisted up about it.

Sexual mishaps happen all of the time, and the people who are having the best sex are the ones who don’t believe in sexual ‘wrongs’. They can recover by either shrugging off, laughing, or talking about them with honesty.

These beautiful mishaps can be exactly what many of us fear about sex but they can also be the very things that make for a rich and intimate experience.

Sexual mishaps are important for a few key reasons:

1. The opportunity to laugh and be human together

First of all, sexual mishaps can lighten the mood. One piece of research I find myself quoting over and over again is the wonderful work by Peggy Kleinplatz, who looked at “optimal sex” in long-term relationships (2013). In it, she found that levity and laughter are a component of optimal sex. Sexual mishaps can add to that levity, reminding us that sex is imperfect and meant to be playful and fun.

Since sexual mishaps are such a common part of sex, agreeing to laugh when something goes askew can be the first step to turning sex into play rather than a performance, or "work."

2. The opportunity to change our tired pattern

Most couples get stuck in a loop of what they do sexually. They find what will lead to orgasm and stay with it. Sounds logical. But this routine was usually developed at the beginning stages of the relationship, and continuing with this type of "efficient sex" does not allow either person to grow and change. Sexual passion and satisfaction require an openness to variety and newness to thrive (Frederik, 2017). Mishaps can allow us to re-evaluate our tired old patterns and add some spicy readjustments.

3. The opportunity to recognize where we hold sexual shame

Shame is one of the biggest deterrents to sexual pleasure. It's the reason many people seek out therapy (of all kinds). Sexual shame is automatic, having developed earlier in life, from messages that sex is something we should fear or be ashamed of. This shame is deeply personal. What for one person is a die-of-embarrassment moment can be easily laughed off, or go unnoticed, by another person.

Seeing which sexual mishaps make us feel like curling up into a ball can give us insight into our own patterns of shame. This awareness can then allow us to address these shame points directly—learning where those messages came from, and seeing if the facts match up with those original beliefs. Often, this added insight and knowledge allow us to realize that shame is unnecessary.

4. The chance to open conversations up to the realities of sex (and be human)

Let's take a common embarrassment for women: unusual bodily sounds. Even though these are a natural and common occurrence, a sexual episode can be hijacked with anxiety and shame by a simple “poof” of air. Many women can get into their heads wondering if her lover heard it, and what they might think. Should she say something? If so, what (without ruining the mood)?

A droopy erection can cause similar concerns for men. Maybe he is in the mood for sex but his penis isn’t cooperating. This is one of the most common sexual distractions for men, with accompanying thoughts like, “Will she think I don’t find her sexy? Will she think I'm not manly enough? Should I apologize if she seems disappointed?”

Once our head is dominated by these non-erotic, self-judgey thoughts, our arousal, intimacy and our pleasure quotient are all guaranteed to go down. Many people suffer silently with their sexual shame, and without enough information, a lover could be left confused. Without some form of understanding or communication, both lovers are forced to make up stories in their heads about what is happening.

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There is a tremendous opportunity in this moment, not only to break the tension, but also to gain a greater connection and understanding of yourself and your partner, by talking about it. But because we are conditioned to avoid the topic of sex, most people don’t have much practice, and a conversation about "real" sexual matters can feel awkward.

Where to start?

I suggest a simple agreement with your lover: to allow/encourage each other to be human during sex. The best time to create this simple agreement is outside of the bedroom, so no one’s arousal is being interrupted.

Follow up by welcoming the parts that make you cringe. Find out more about the actual realities of sex (the facts) and talk about them. And above all, find some humor in these sexual moments. After all, so much about sex is messy, unexpected and, well, funny.

So, let’s make some mistakes in bed! Having a mishaps-welcome attitude can go a long way to fun-proofing your sex life.