Expectations: Are We Asking Too Much of Others?

Written by Nancy Sweeney, CLC & Dr Cara Gardenswartz @GroupTherapyLA/NY.

We all begin life as infants, unable to walk, talk, feed, or clothe ourselves. Fortunately, no one expects a newborn to contribute to household bills or engage in meaningful conversation. As we grow, however, those around us gradually introduce responsibilities like cleaning our rooms, helping with dinner, and managing our behavior. As adults, societal and personal expectations can become even more complex and demanding. But what happens when these expectations don't align with a person's abilities or circumstances?

The Development of Expectations

Expectations are a fundamental part of human interactions and relationships. From professional settings to personal relationships, understanding how expectations develop and evolve can help us navigate our interactions more effectively. Jean Piaget's theory of cognitive development teaches us that human development occurs in stages. However, it's essential to remember that these stages do not occur uniformly for everyone. Adults, too, have varied abilities and developmental trajectories that require consideration.

The Disparity in Abilities

Not everyone is born with the same innate skills and abilities. From genetics to upbringing, numerous factors contribute to the diversity in human capacities. Howard Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences emphasizes that intelligence is not a single entity but a collection of different modalities, such as linguistic, logical-mathematical, musical, bodily-kinesthetic, spatial, interpersonal, and intrapersonal intelligences. These differences underscore why some individuals excel in certain tasks while finding others challenging.

In a professional context, asking an employee with strong interpersonal skills but limited technical expertise to handle a highly technical task without support can lead to frustration and reduced performance. Recognizing and valuing diverse intelligences can help create environments where individuals thrive by playing to their strengths.

Expectations in Personal Relationships

Expectations aren't limited to the workplace; they also play a significant role in personal relationships. In friendships and romantic partnerships, we often expect others to meet our needs or behave in certain ways that align with our desires. However, when these expectations don't match the other person's capabilities or personality, it can lead to misunderstandings and tension.

For instance, you might expect a friend to provide emotional support during a difficult time, but if they naturally struggle with expressing empathy, they may not meet your expectations. Similarly, asking a spouse to handle social situations when they are introverted and anxious can create stress for both parties.

Recognizing the individuality of each person in your life and understanding that everyone has different strengths and limitations is crucial. By setting realistic expectations based on who people are, rather than who we want them to be, we can build stronger, more supportive relationships.

The Impact of Misaligned Expectations

Expecting someone to perform a task they're not equipped to do is like asking a baby to run a marathon. When expectations exceed an individual's capabilities, it can lead to stress, anxiety, and even mental health issues. Social psychologist Carol Dweck's work on mindset highlights how fixed expectations can hinder personal growth and development, while a growth mindset encourages learning and resilience. Encouraging a growth mindset involves recognizing individuals' current capabilities and providing opportunities for development, rather than expecting immediate proficiency.

Identifying Unrealistic Expectations

So how do we identify when our expectations are unrealistic? Here are some strategies:

1. Understand Individual Differences

Recognize that everyone has unique strengths and weaknesses. Acknowledge these differences and adjust expectations accordingly. For instance, in a family setting, consider each member's preferences and skills when assigning tasks.

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2. Assess Skills and Abilities

Before asking someone to take on a task, assess whether they have the necessary skills or require further training and support. Providing opportunities for skill development can empower individuals to meet expectations more effectively.

3. Foster Open Communication

Encourage open dialogue about capabilities and limitations. Creating a safe space for individuals to express their challenges can lead to more realistic and achievable expectations. In personal relationships, this might involve discussing each other's comfort zones and boundaries.

4. Emphasize Strengths

Focus on leveraging strengths rather than dwelling on weaknesses. By emphasizing what individuals can do well, we foster a more positive and supportive environment.

5. Teach Adaptive Expectation Setting

Adjusting our expectations requires a shift in mindset. Here are some steps to help you evaluate and align expectations with reality:

• Reflect on Your Assumptions: Consider the assumptions you make about others' abilities. Are they based on evidence or stereotypes? Challenge your assumptions and remain open to alternative perspectives.
• Set Realistic Goals: Establish goals that are challenging yet attainable. Consider the individual's current skills and provide incremental steps for growth.
• Provide Support and Resources: Offer the necessary support and resources for individuals to succeed. Whether it's training, mentorship, or emotional support, providing the right tools can make a significant difference.
• ​​​​​​​Practice Empathy: Empathy involves understanding and sharing the feelings of others. By putting ourselves in others' shoes, we can better appreciate their struggles and adjust our expectations accordingly.

Conclusion

In a world filled with diverse talents and abilities, it is crucial to acknowledge and respect individual differences. By setting realistic expectations and providing the necessary support, we can create an environment where everyone has the opportunity to thrive. Remember, it's not about lowering expectations but rather aligning them with the unique capacities of each individual. Just as we wouldn't judge a baby for not walking, we should approach others with the same understanding and compassion. By doing so, we foster a society that values and nurtures the potential of every individual, paving the way for a more inclusive and supportive world.