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Our need for achievement is inborn. It’s a reflection of the human ability to process information, form plans, and solve problems. It helps us get a sense of control over our environment and life challenges.
Our fear of failure, however, seems to be learned. It is the result of being teased or shamed whenever our achievements fall short. But here’s the thing—we’re always falling short because we can never know everything or control everything. What we have been calling failure is usually part of the inevitable human condition.
If you are going through life changes or problems that you can’t control, like infertility, rethink that failure label. The problem may be a disappointment, even a shock, but it is not a personal failure. It is hard enough that you may be dealing with a major problem and blaming yourself and thinking any part of your problem means you’re a failure is adding insult to injury.
Instead of using the word failure, try using the word inconvenient. It is more realistic, and it is time to get real. Expecting yourself to anticipate, prevent, and cure all life problems is not real. It’s a fantasy and the fear of failure makes coping and risk-taking more difficult in two ways.
First, the fear of failure undermines your natural need for achievement behavior. When you are dealing with infertility, or any diagnosis or crisis, moving towards a goal is the only way to achieve a solution or resolution. Fear of failure keeps you defensive and frozen in place instead of moving forward.
Second, fear of failure encourages you to do things the hard way, so you have an excuse for others if you fail. For example, if you do all your studying for a test the night before instead of all semester long, you have given yourself an excuse for failure. You probably had to study twice as hard and lose a night’s sleep and feel overwhelmed with anxiety, but you now have an excuse for failure. When it comes to fertility treatment, however, do it the easy way. Don’t wait. If you’ve tried on your own for a year without success, reach out for information and a fertility specialist.
You need help, not excuses. Try these strategies for unlearning fear of failure:
- Focus on gathering information—not other people’s opinions about you or your choices.
- Look at all situations involving your goals through your own eyes only—spectating (looking at yourself through others’ eyes to see if you look like a failure) will drain time and energy and will probably be inaccurate anyway.
- Understand that falling short of a goal is a learning experience—a failed fertility treatment cycle gives you and your physician more data. A reaction to a hormone injection gives you data about your body’s autoimmune system. This means every try, even ones that don’t score a goal, are small successes.
- Describe your behavior to yourself, don’t judge it—“I am who I am” and “It is what it is” are great mantras since our feelings are influenced by our thinking, and we can choose what we say to ourselves.
- Try your best, but don’t put yourself on trial—self-blaming feeds the fear of failure. To counteract the fear of failure, practice thinking of yourself as your defense lawyer, not the lawyer for the prosecution.
Failure is a part of life. Fear of failure doesn’t have to be. So, choose not to let fear get in your way. If you are not failing at least 25 percent of the time, you are not taking enough chances or setting enough goals. Go for it!
