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Infidelity
5 Tools to Support the One Who Was Cheated On
What to say to the betrayed partner.
Posted December 29, 2023 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
Key points
- Help doesn't mean taking sides, and can leave you in the middle if they make up.
- The betrayed partner needs to grieve. Grief is like a fingerprint, no one experiences it in the same way.
- Differentiation is defined and understood as part of what happens for the affair partner.
- Self-care is essential when you are supporting the betrayed. Care of the self enables you to care for them.
Bearing witness to a friend or family member who is entangled in the ravages of having a partner who cheated is tricky business.
As much as you want to help, and as much as you want to give advice or show unending support, it's crucial to be careful during this delicate time. It might be good to understand some of the causes of the affair, especially if you are the designated support person for the betrayed partner.
Affairs are more complicated than some think, and are rarely about the betrayed one, rather they're often about power, fear, and an internal yearning that has no words.
An affair is more about a loss of integrity than it is about anything else. The fear of saying, "Sex isn't what it used to be," or "I'm bored," or "Can we do something kinky?" often feels harder to say than simply seeking the thrill of newness and adventure with another.
The affair partner often maneuvers the truth to justify the affair, avoiding their commitment to themselves and to their partner. It's probable that they are facing problems with differentiation.
"Differentiation of self is a state of psychological maturity in which an individual is able to clearly distinguish between thoughts and feelings while holding onto their sense of Self or identity when in the presence and influence of other people, especially family members," according to researcher Ora Peleg. "This allows for the potential of deep and healthy connections to others despite a desire to be close, or in the face of disagreements."
Murray Bowen, M.D. was the founder of this line of thought and explored this perspective in his dedicated work to establsh therory, practice, and outcomes for his Family Systems Theory. Building upon his insights, David Schnarch, Ph.D., incorporated these ideas into his schema, examining the development of the self in relation to the successes or failures within a relationship. His seminal work, The Sexual Crucible, delves into the complexities of personal development within the context of intimate connections. Both Bowen and Schnarch shared the belief that an affair often arises when an individual struggles to confront their disappointments and urges, failing to share those soulful, little “Gs” with their partners.
The loss of honeymoon sex, the fading spark, and the hunger to feel alive by borrowing energy from another, (the affair mate) make the deadening that often occurs in partnerships more palatable. The alternative is a path less traveled—facing the losses head-on with a partner rather than seeking solace in an affair. Nothing about this is easy.
Bearing witness to a friend or family member who is entangled in the ravages of having a partner who cheated is tricky business. As much as you want to help, and as much as you want to give advice or show unending support, it's crucial to be careful during this delicate time. Think neutral with a sense of care and compassion for the betrayed one.
Five Tools to Help You Give Support
1. Be Curious. Yes. It sounds simple, yet so often, assumptions are made about what happened within the relationship. Asking, listening, and repeating what you heard is more effective than being a judge or trying to solve or resolve the discomfort of the one who is betrayed.
2. Taking sides is problematic. It may be the first "go to" action you might gravitate towards, thinking that supporting the betrayed means siding with them. There are other ways to support without making the affair partner the villain. Focusing on what was done takes the focus off the betrayed. So, please try to refrain from this reaction. If the couple decides to work things out, you may be seen by the affair partner as a threat to the relationship repair. You become part of the rupture or the traumatic experience related to the affair. If you remain neutral, and it's not an easy ask, you have a greater chance to maintain the relationship. Shame and embarrassment are hallmarks for both the betrayed partner and the affair partner. These emotions are tailgaters after there's been an affair, especially if the couple chooses to work on themselves in therapy or with a trusted source to help with resolution.
3. Think about the betrayed partner as having a grief response. Learn about grief from different sources. Grief is a non-linear process and shows up in unpredictable ways. It accesses emotional volatility, which is often expressed through responses like anxiety, extreme ups and downs, and anger or rage. If you listen and suggest that there is grief being felt, you identify and give a label for the experience of losing the person who was their partner. Grief is a response to something or someone that was lost. It is a yearning for that person or that thing to come back. It is not just about the death of a loved one. Here is where you can evolve into the helping, caring friend role.
Offer options for ways you can help. Do they need a babysitter for their kids if they need to go to therapy? Offer to cook dinner or create rituals of walking. If they seem anxious, offer to breathe with them, or take them to a yoga class away from home base. Or just sit quietly with them. Touch can be soothing for some and off-putting for others. This is where you get to map the temperament of the situation. If unsure, just ask.
4. Loss of trust and loss of a sense of self and self-esteem often accompany the traumatic experience of having been betrayed. Your friend is relying on you. And though they want you to be on their side, there are many ways you can be the reminder of who they are. Recall success stories, or times when you shared laughter, joy, and growth. You are the keeper of those stories and memories, because too often, when in the mire of it all, it's hard to access memories of who one was and is and the joy they once had access to. You will be faced with the dilemma of being sucked into the depths of despair, an emotional aspect the betrayed often fuses with, but you can redirect. You can say, "This is for right now, and I know it hurts. Though I don't know your pain, I know who you are," and fill in the blanks about the good things you know about them. By doing this, you are talking to their brain. It is the brain that will be one of their greatest allies in changing how they feel and for their ultimate survival. And, by the way, yours too!
5. Set boundaries. To help someone you care about doesn't mean you give your life over to them. It's easy to slide right into a role where you feel the magnitude of the unbearable emotions felt by the betrayed. You must find ways to distance yourself, and not become enveloped in the crisis. Caring, being present, and supporting the betrayed can seem like it's an easy ask, but you neither want to lose yourself nor allow the betrayed to become enmeshed with you as their pain partner. Give time limits for shared activities. See other people. You might want to discuss your feelings with a trusted friend, therapist or spiritual guide. Define what self-care is for you. If the situation with the betrayed becomes overwhelming, or you're feeling anger or rage that doesn't belong to you, help the betrayed find help. Groups focusing on the betrayed are often great starting points for healing to begin.
And, as the friend or family member of someone experiencing this type of big G grief, it’s good to be mindful of what they’re going through, yet know it’s not your responsibility to make it better. Even Taylor Swift sang about it in her song, “Illicit Affairs.”
As in the lyrics of this song, affairs are messy, yet when this kind of loss happens, it is not unlike the movement of the ouroboros, a symbol of destruction and creation. The evolution of the self can be inspired after a loss due to an affair. As the supporter of the betrayed, look for tiny moments to point to an opening for self-discovery and self-love.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Glass, S. (2003). Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. New York: Free Press.
Harley, W. & Harley Chalmers, J. (2013). Surviving an Affair. Grand Rapids: Revell a division of Baker Publishing Group.
Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation. New York: Norton.
Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: rethinking infidelity. Yellow Kite.
Schnarch, David (2009). Intimacy and Desire: Awaken your deisire and passion in your relationships. Scribe Publications
Carder, D. (2017). Anatomy of an affair: how affairs, attractions, and addictions develop, and how to guard your marriage against them. Moody Publishers.
