Social and Sexual Grief Among Teens After COVID

If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea
I'll sail the world to find you
If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see
I'll be the light to guide you

–Bruno Mars, "Count on Me"

Sexual grief is a specific type of grief. Rather than focusing on the loss of a loved one, it’s about the loss of the self that happens over a developmental timeline or when there is abuse of any kind. For the teens who endured the COVID-19 pandemic, their sexual grief is alive in the loss of what they couldn’t explore or embody. When the innate and core parts of the sexual self are blunted, unavailable, or forgotten, they yearn to be seen. They hunger to be felt. Without many social interactions and chances to bond with peers in a more emotionally and physically intimate context due to COVID-19, it is understandable that this can occur. Left unattended, sexual grief can percolate within the depths of their tender souls.

Source: Anthony Tran/Unsplash

I'm often asked to define some of the best ways to navigate this unknown territory for kids, as they sit in their own sense of what loss is to them. Without true guidelines to follow, it's hard to know what to do, what to say, or when to say it.

To help kids through this sticky process, think about mapping out what your child needs as you observe behavior, speech, and interactions with others and with you.

Here are the do’s and don’ts that offer an understanding of how best to help children honor their process in the complexities of grief while providing specifics as to how to be a good witness through this difficult time. Remember, no one grieves or mourns in the exact same way.

1. Don’t minimize mourning. Children do not mourn the same way adults mourn. Don't devalue your child's grief, especially when it is from experiences you have not been through yourself. If you see them playing, don’t stop them, as they may be working out some aspect of grief in their own language or comfort zone. Don't tell them to be strong and get over it. This is not something anyone gets over. Rather, all grief is a dance that one learns to partner with.
2. Don’t discard grief in parental decision-making. There can be 11 phases of grief. They come to you rather than you seeking them out. When in the state of grief, children can have outrageous responses to simple situations and stimuli. They may act out through angry outbursts, they may regress in their developmental stages, or they may seem difficult to reach. Depending on whether they are an extrovert or an introvert, their response to loss will also vary. Put punishments aside for now.
3. Do give curiosity and care. Be curious about what the child is experiencing. Ask lots of questions, yet with care. Create questions that are unobtrusive and paced. You can use your own experience to discuss the loss. Here is a sample of what to say to the child from a curious stance: “I was thinking about how many experiences you are missing out on. I feel sad. Do you know what you’re feeling?” Once the question has been posted, patiently wait for a response. For teens, talking more specifically about their friends, and most especially their romantic and sexual experiences, may feel awkward, but just letting them know that they have someone to talk to who wants to listen can be more valuable than you know.
4. Do give permission to grieve. It's really hard to see a child’s pain and suffering, especially when it's because of a loss. This kind of loss is unlike anything they or you have experienced. Children grieve in their own way. For some kids, withdrawing into video games is their chosen means of coping, while for others, developmental regression may occur; for example, bedwetting may occur even though they had previously conquered that phase. Allow the child to show whatever emotions they're feeling. Give them permission to do it in their way.
5. Do encourage peer support. Again, teens have a need for independence beyond their parents and crave social acceptance among their peers. If you sense your child is not opening up to you completely, encourage them that they may rely on their friends who can relate to them and also care deeply about them.

The unique position of missing out on two years of school and social experiences may make understanding what your child needs seem a bit difficult as well. What you can do is find a way into their language around grief.

If you can, listen with your senses and see how the child communicates: Is it verbal or nonverbal communication, is it through the games they play or don't play, or have their sleep and eating behaviors shifted in ways that are not their norm?