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Key points
- Masturbation is a natural and healthy part of human sexuality. The first step to self-pleasure is learning the parts of your vulva.
- Providing a woman instructions to self-pleasure is almost always the first step in sex therapy for anorgasmia.
- Additional steps are trying common finger motions, taking time to pleasure yourself, and adding in strategies such as vibrators.
Almost 30 years ago, in response to U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders being fired after stating we should teach children that masturbation is a natural part of human sexuality, the sex shop, Good Vibrations, declared May as Masturbation Month. They wanted to honor Elders and teach the world that masturbation is safe, healthy, free, and pleasurable.
Despite this, for many masturbation remains guilt-ridden. For a synopsis of the sources of this guilt and encouragement to let go of it, see "Letting Go of Guilt." For research-based information on how women pleasure themselves, see "How Women Pleasure Themselves," where an essential point is that during self-pleasure, 98 percent of women stimulate their external clitoris. In these posts, you'll see a promise for a third post; despite the large delay between those blogs and this one, the close of May 2021 is ideal for self-pleasure tips. Early in the pandemic, the New York Department of Health declared "you are your safest sex partner" and during lockdown, sex toy sales skyrocketed. Hopefully, this signals a de-stigmatization of masturbation, readying you for the hands-on tips below.
These tips are those I give clients who see me for anorgasmia. Masturbation is generally always the first step in sex therapy for this concern. If you've never had an orgasm, the sequence below can help. If you've already provided yourself with a self-induced orgasm, these tips can help enhance it.
Step One: 10 Minutes of Touch
First, buy some lubricant as vulvas are not meant to be touched dry. Second, as you follow the directions, if anything feels physically uncomfortable, stop and make adjustments (e.g., to pressure or location). Third, to complete this step, you need to know the parts of your vulva. If you've never done so, look at yourself with a mirror, identifying the parts in the picture below.
Then, find 10 minutes of solitude. Lie on your back, take a deep breath, and get into a mindful state. Put some lubricant on your fingers, and enjoy trying common finger positions.
- Using your pointer and middle finger, squeeze your outer lips together, around your clitoris area. Then, move your fingers (e.g., squeeze and release; move up and down).
- Rub small circles on the hood of your clitoris. Try using your pointer finger, your middle finger, or both.
- Rub both the right and left sides of the hood, using your pointer finger, middle finger, or both.
These are just three possible finger motions among countless others. Allow yourself time to explore. Then, move to step two.
Step Two: Time to Linger
Set aside 30 minutes. Start with the motions you liked best in Step #1 and touch yourself, paying close attention to your sensations. Change the location, rhythm, and pressure as you go, listening to your body. And, while orgasm isn’t the goal, if you end up having one before the 30 minutes are up, you can either keep touching yourself or stop. There is no right or wrong. The goal is to find out what is best for you.
Step 3: Assess and Add On
After Step #2, check in with yourself. Did you figure out what you like? Whether yes or no, continue to pleasure yourself (perhaps a few times a week) until you are truly comfortable with touching yourself. At some point, most of you will naturally orgasm. If not, below are add-ons that will help you do so. And, if you've already orgasmed, these pointers can enhance your self-discovery.
- Work on your mindful state. Make sure you’re not trying to orgasm and instead are just enjoying the feelings.
- Fantasize. For fantasy, anything goes—even something you’d never do in real life.
- Read or watch erotica before or while you touch yourself.
- Take a bubble bath first. This might help you get in a more body-focused, mindful state.
- Alternatively, exercise to get your heart rate up and your blood flowing first.
- Try moaning and groaning. Research shows that our own sex sounds can be arousing.
- Experiment with your breathing (e.g., breathe deeply, pant, hold your breath as orgasm approaches).
- Inhale as you rock your pelvis up and exhale as you rock your pelvis down.
- Touch yourself on your stomach instead of on your back.
- Build up intensity by getting close to your sensitive spots and then backing off until you engage in more intensive touching.
- When you feel like an orgasm is inevitable, stop touching, touch a different part, or lighten your touch. Do this until finally giving into the touch that will result in orgasm.
- Try simultaneous clitoral and vaginal stimulation with your finger or a sex toy, either the whole time, as you get aroused, or right before orgasm.
Speaking of sex toys, many women don’t have their first orgasm until using a vibrator. Unless you know you like pairing stimulation with penetration, start with a vibrator specifically designed for clitoral stimulation that has multiple speeds. Start off slow and experiment with increasing the intensity. If you orgasm for the first time with a vibrator, don’t worry about vibrator addiction or your vibrator “ruining you” for sex with a partner. Research shows that women who use vibrators have more orgasms, both alone and with partners.
The first step to orgasming in partner sex is doing so alone. You can then transfer your self-pleasure to partner sex.
But, don't give up self-pleasure. Whether single or partnered, whether in May or one of the other 11 months of the year, as Jocelyn Elders said, masturbation is a healthy part of human sexuality.
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Note: If none of these tips work, consider seeing a physician for a complete workup to make sure no medical issue or medication is interfering with your ability to orgasm.
