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Relationships
The 5 Stages of a Breakup
Relationships often fall apart in similar ways. Here's how—from start to finish.
Posted August 29, 2024 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Have you ever felt that a relationship was slipping away but couldn’t pinpoint when or why it started? Relationships, much like living organisms, have a life cycle that includes phases of growth and decline.
According to Knapp’s relationship model, there are five stages of relationship dissolution. Each stage in the gradual disintegration of a relationship is marked by changes in communication, emotional intimacy, and mutual investment.
Here are the five stages of "coming apart," leading to the end of a relationship:
1. Differentiating
The first stage involves noticing and highlighting differences between partners. Conflicts may arise more frequently as partners emphasize what sets them apart rather than what unites them.
The communication in this stage shifts from “we” to “I,” and partners may begin to express desires for autonomy or personal space. What was once seen as endearing or insignificant may now become a source of irritation or conflict.
This stage doesn’t necessarily spell the end of a relationship. It can also be a natural and healthy phase in which partners reassess their individual needs within the relationship. However, if left unresolved, it can lead to further deterioration. For instance, partners may fight over conflicting life goals or values that were previously overlooked.
Additionally, a 2017 study from Emerging Adulthood shows that, especially between the ages of 18 to 24, a higher number of stressful life events, such as changes in domains of work, relationships, individual goals and financial stability, can cause partners to withdraw from each other.
The authors of the abovementioned study from Emerging Adulthood —Ann Lantagne, Wyndol Furman, and Jamie Novak—illustrate how the seeds of discontent are first sown: “Antagonism, criticism and conflict may accumulate across time and gradually lead to the deterioration of the relationship. Negative interactions that arise because of an individual’s characteristics, such as insensitivity, an unwillingness to compromise, or untrustworthiness, may also have a long-term impact on a relationship because they may be difficult to change.”
2. Circumscribing
In the circumscribing stage, communication continues to deteriorate in quality and quantity, but more deliberately than before. Partners begin to limit their interactions and avoid discussing sensitive topics.
The relationship becomes more superficial, and couples begin spending less time together, experiencing both positive and negative feelings towards one another, which can add to confusion about whether or not staying together is for the best.
The emotional distance grows as partners refrain from sharing their thoughts and feelings. The relationship becomes more about maintaining the status quo than about genuine connection. For instance, conversations may be limited to logistical topics like household chores or schedules.
“At some point, it was cold between us. A distance began to form. We no longer had the usual topics of conversation. The divorce was essentially a final stop in a process that had started years before. I live in my world, and she lives in hers,” writes Dan, a participant from a recent study examining the reasons behind late-life divorces.
3. Stagnating
The stagnating stage marks the relationship coming to a standstill. Communication is infrequent, and, when it does occur, it often feels forced or strained. Both partners might feel stuck in the relationship, unsure of how to move forward but also hesitant to end it.
“I do not know what path to take; if I should try and force this relationship to work and be present enough to support her in herself healing her own traumas while working to be a better partner, which I know will take sweat and blood, or if I should cut ties and give her my sincerity and best wishes,” writes one Reddit user, highlighting the struggles of stagnation.
During this stage, there is often a sense of resignation or hopelessness. The relationship no longer grows or evolves, and partners find themselves just going through the motions. The relationship may continue out of habit, convenience, or a fear of change, but there is little to no effort to improve or revive the connection.
4. Avoiding
In this stage, partners actively seek to put distance between themselves, both physically and emotionally. The avoidance can be subtle, such as spending more time apart, or more direct, such as avoiding phone calls, texts, or any form of interaction.
This stage often involves one or both partners withdrawing from the relationship to the point where they are almost living separate lives. Their emotional connection is severely weakened or entirely absent, and the relationship may feel like it’s already over, even if no formal decision has been made.
Avoidance can manifest in different ways, including creating physical space, such as sleeping in separate rooms, or emotional space, such as avoiding eye contact or meaningful conversation. Partners might stay out late, leave early, or avoid being home when the other is there, deliberately minimizing the time they spend together.
5. Terminating
The final stage involves the end of the relationship through a formal breakup or divorce. Communication here primarily revolves around finalizing separation, dealing with the emotional aftermath and seeking closure.
A couple might have a final conversation to discuss their breakup, agreeing on how to handle shared responsibilities, possessions, or living situations. They may also attempt to reflect on the relationship and understand what went wrong.
Emotions during this stage can range from sadness and grief to relief and acceptance, depending on the situation. Partners may take significant steps such as moving out, cutting off all contact, and letting their friends and family know about the breakup. Here, they begin the process of moving on with their lives.
Knapp’s “coming apart” stages highlight the complex and often painful process of relationship dissolution. Understanding the stages can help couples navigate their relationships more mindfully. Learning to recognize signs of relationship decline can encourage them to take proactive steps to repair the relationship or prepare for a healthy separation.
A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.
