3 Ways to Overcome "Eldest Daughter Syndrome"

Eldest daughter syndrome is not a diagnosis, but a colloquial term denoting the unique set of challenges and expectations placed upon the shoulders of the eldest daughter, blending familial duties with societal norms. As a trailblazer and role model, she not only shoulders the weight of household chores but also assumes a surrogate parental role, tending to siblings and aiding in caregiving tasks from a young age.

This multifaceted responsibility, encompassing everything from mundane household chores to complex caretaking duties, places immense pressure on eldest daughters, often overshadowing their own personal growth and aspirations. Despite their significant contributions, the burden of being the eldest daughter can go unnoticed, leading to emotional strain, limited opportunities for self-discovery, and strained relationships.

It’s imperative to recognize the challenges of being the eldest daughter so that the people affected can take proactive steps to achieve a healthier balance between familial obligations and personal fulfillment.

Here are three factors perpetuating the eldest daughter dynamic within family dynamics.

1. Parental Expectations

Parental expectations can weigh most heavily on the eldest daughter, as they often harbor ambitious dreams for her future success. These aspirations, though well-intentioned, can morph into overwhelming burdens, inadvertently thrusting upon her the responsibility of fulfilling their unmet dreams or expectations. For instance, parents might envision her excelling academically, pursuing a prestigious career, and seamlessly managing significant domestic responsibilities, all while upholding a flawless image. These lofty expectations create immense pressure and foster feelings of inadequacy in the eldest daughter as she grapples with the daunting task of meeting her parents’ standards.

An article explains the role of early socialization and contextual factors in understanding the gendered division of household labor among adult children. Findings suggest that parental division of labor in childhood influences later engagement in routine housework. It also highlights the effect of maternal role modeling on daughters’ attitudes and behaviors towards household labor, indicating that the example set by mothers in balancing work and household responsibilities leaves a lasting impression on their daughters’ approach to domestic duties.

2. Sibling Relationships

According to role modeling theory, parental division of household labor and employment status directly influence the chores children undertake and how they perceive their responsibilities. For instance, if parents share housework equally, children are more likely to view chores as a shared duty and participate equally. Conversely, in households with traditional gender roles, where one parent focuses on employment while the other handles housework, children may adopt similar roles.

In many families, the eldest daughter is often expected to assume a caregiving role, including childcare and emotional support for siblings. While initially driven by a sense of duty or affection, this responsibility can quickly become overwhelming, leading to resentment and frustration. Moreover, sibling dynamics, influenced by birth order, gender roles, and individual personalities, can further complicate matters. Eldest daughters may feel overshadowed by younger siblings or perceive unequal treatment from parents, intensifying feelings of neglect or inadequacy and straining sibling relationships.

3. Societal Pressures

Societal norms and cultural traditions often reinforce gender roles and expectations, perpetuating the notion that women should prioritize family obligations over their personal aspirations. This societal pressure weighs heavily on the eldest daughter, who may feel compelled to adhere to traditional gender roles and forsake her own ambitions for the sake of her family.

Moreover, cultural expectations surrounding filial piety and duty further exacerbate the eldest daughter’s sense of obligation. As per research, authoritarian filial piety (AFP) significantly influences facets of adolescent development, including well-being, academic motivation, and moral behavior. For instance, authoritarian filial piety may affect academic drive through external factors like fear of retribution or the desire for parental validation. While initially motivating academic success, this external drive may not be sustainable and can lead to stress or burnout. Similarly, AFP may shape moral conduct through fear of punishment or societal norms, potentially leading to moral disengagement or justification of unethical behavior.

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These societal pressures curtail the eldest daughter’s autonomy and impede her pursuit of personal goals, harboring within her feelings of frustration and resentment.

In such high-pressure situations where distancing oneself is impractical, employing “decentering” offers a realistic approach to managing stress tied to being the eldest daughter. “Decentering” is a psychological technique that involves shifting away from subjective viewpoints and emotions toward a more objective understanding of experiences. It allows individuals to emotionally detach from challenging situations without severing ties completely. By adopting a broader perspective and considering factors beyond immediate emotions, decentering helps relieve and psychologically distance from distressing aspects of the relationship while maintaining some level of connection. A trusted loved one or a mental health professional can help you “decenter” yourself psychologically from your situation, enabling you to see that love and exploitation can sometimes coexist without you noticing.

A version of this article also appears on Forbes.com.

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