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Men and women have unique perspectives, meaning they see the world and interpret situations differently, sometimes from opposite directions. We all know that, and we get it at the conceptual level. But when first married, heterosexual partners may be shocked, and disappointed, to learn just how different they are from each other. Over time, we come to terms with these differences and make the appropriate adjustments as to what we should expect and how we should behave. But early on, we can feel confused about who we married and these differences can be a source of contention until we figure things out.
Here are three examples from everyday living — sex, money, and emotional support. Mind you, this all comes out of research from social scientists; it's not just our opinions.
Let's begin with sex. Men live in a more sexual world, and sex is one way they express their masculinity and feel validated. While emotions aren’t a necessary component, men don't disregard emotions completely. In fact, many men regard sex as a way to bond with their wives emotionally. Emotional closeness is an end-product of sex, that is, they feel close to their wives after the act, regardless of how they felt beforehand.
Unfortunately, many wives see things the other way around. For many women, feeling emotionally connected is an essential prerequisite for intimacy. Sex is something that flows from and is an end-product of, their emotional connection. They have to feel close to their husbands before sex is a good idea.
With these gender-driven differences, it’s easy to imagine the thought patterns if the issue of having sex comes up. A husband might be thinking “I can’t believe you won’t have sex with me. I haven’t seen you all day!” But his wife’s thoughts might be “I can’t believe you want to have sex. I haven’t seen you all day!”
That's why couples can sometimes run into problems as to when, or if, they should have sex. Both look for sex to provide the same thing -- emotional bonding. But because they go about it from opposite directions, they can seem to have different agendas: women just want to feel loved and connected; men just want to have sex.
Moving on to emotional support. Women are generally more comfortable giving and receiving emotional support, and it’s easier for them to relate to other people’s problems. Women also value support more, and the extent to which they receive it has a lot to do with how they feel about her husband.
Many husbands, on the other hand, value support less and prefer not to discuss their problems or let on their distressed. Many just prefer to handle things on their own. Usually, they're more comfortable talking about a problem after they came up with a solution and the issue has been resolved. Then it becomes more of a story rather than a cry for help.
So, because they prefer to not talk about their own problems, they're less tuned into other people’s distress, including their wives. A wife is right there for her husband, but if she's waiting for her husband to pick up on her cues for help, well, that could be a long wait.
They also differ on the type of help each provides. Men look for and give instrumental support, that is, they try to provide specific advice as to how to fix a problem. Do you have a plumbing problem? Here's how to fix it, or here's someone to call. Women, on the other hand, give primarily emotional support, that is, empathy and sympathy, and that's what they want for themselves.
When a husband tells his wife what she needs to do to solve her problem, that may not be what she wants to hear -- she really wants understanding and a discussion of options. Even if his solution is a good one, it may be unhelpful because it doesn’t take into account her feelings. If she then acts like he hasn't helped, these discussions can become scary for him because he expects to get it wrong.
Going on to money. Who manages the money suggests different degrees of power by one partner over the other. The manager very often has more say in how it’s spent, more input in financial decision making, and feels a greater sense of independence.
There’s a difference as to whether husbands or wives control the money. That’s because money can have very different meanings to men and women. When women manage the money, they treat it like just another household chore. They don't feel a greater sense of ownership of the pot.
For men, money is often seen as more than an economic asset -- it is a source of power and status. They’re prone to have their identities and sense of self-worth defined by their bank account. They also believe they're more entitled to spend it and own all the money earned by the couple. So, they prefer to merge money into a single pool, because that gives him more control in deciding how it's spent.
Many wives seem to understand that, and so they like to have at least some money kept separately if she is not the manager. In that way, she can take some of her husband’s control away from him.
