To Go or Not to Go?

We have all been there. How many times have you been invited to an upcoming family dinner, a birthday party, a holiday meal, a wedding, or a Thanksgiving gathering that you just don’t want to go to for one reason or another? Maybe it's far and you don’t love to travel. Or maybe there is a no-kids rule at the wedding you’ve been invited to and that just feels really complicated.

Sometimes a simple holiday at home when you can just do your own thing sounds much more appealing than the annual get-together you have gone to every year for the past decade. Family grudges can also factor into the decision whether or not to go to an event. This is especially true when one person is alienated from another and is pulling on someone else—be it sons, daughters, nieces, nephews or a spouse—to support them by opting out. The flip side is that a decision not to go can also create resentment with whoever invited you.

When any such issue arises, we wonder, should we go? Do we have to go?

This very situation just played out on the world stage when Megan Markle chose not to accompany her husband Harry to her father-in-law’s coronation in England. Both were invited, but Megan declined, remaining in California to celebrate son Archie’s fourth birthday.

Of course, that situation was notoriously complicated, and it was a much bigger event than most over which people wrestle. But it does beg the question whether more is lost or gained by saying no to a family event where, presumably, your presence would be welcomed and even appreciated. When is it important to say yes to a family event, occasion, or celebration? And what are the consequences of saying no?

There are a lot of arguments for and against going. Saying no might beget negative fallout from family members, as well as a chance to either mend rifts or prevent them in the first place. Others might think you don’t want to see them, or that they are not as important to you as whatever you are doing instead.

The first thing to consider when facing such decision is, concretely, whether you can spare the time and money. Destination weddings, for example, often require flying to some distant locale and financing an extended hotel stay. There are also meals to pay for outside the official event, as well as incidental costs. The time commitment might also be more than you can comfortably spare.

If the money and time costs would impose hardships, then you should legitimately consider saying no thank you. Hopefully family members would understand. There might be other basic and forgivable reasons to say no, too: if you have an infant or someone has a health issue.

If there are complicated feelings to start with, another factor to consider is whether any pre-existing animosity will be held in check. Is a situation so volatile that it might blow up into a public display, dampen the festivities for everyone, and also deepen the divide? If you don’t trust yourself or another to hold it together, that constitutes another good reason to say no to that particular family gathering.

Otherwise, it is almost always worth making the effort to go. Most invitations can be considered an olive branch, extended to close any existing gaps or to create time to spend with loved ones, regardless of the complications of getting there. By going, you are supporting the connection and conveying that it is still in place, no matter past difficulties. Think of saying yes as an investment in your relationship.

Megan Markle prioritized her son’s birthday over a historical coronation. Everyone has to make such a decision for themselves, but whenever possible, think twice before saying no.