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A breakup or a divorce can be devastating on its own. There is so much to get your head around, from accepting the loss of your relationship to managing allegiances and alliances with family and friends, to working out a custody arrangement if there are children. Whether you were living together or married, disentangling your lives can take a tremendous amount of blood, sweat, and tears until you eventually find your bearings as a single again.
But what if your ex adds a new partner into the mix before you find your footing? When that happens, it can sometimes be the thing that throws you off the delicate balance you were struggling to reach, pitching you into self-doubt, into questioning decisions you made, and, possibly the most difficult of all, wondering what you’re lacking?
This was just just the situation Shakira found herself in—publicly—after she and her ex-boyfriend Gerard Pique, a former professional footballer, announced last June that they were calling it quits. Pique recently posted a cozy Instagram photo with a woman presumed to be his new girlfriend.
It’s hard enough to manage everything before encountering evidence that your former partner is moving on without you. You not only feel displaced, you also feel replaced. Shakira said it clearly in her new song known as BZRP Music Sessions #53, “No hard feelings baby, I wish you the best with my so-called replacement.”
Really no hard feelings? Most struggle with highly charged thoughts and emotions added to their already reeling heart.
Seeing or hearing about your ex with someone else can trigger every one of your insecurities and lead you to question your judgment. Did I pull the plug on the relationship too soon? Could we have worked things out if I had just given it a little more time? Did we make the right decision? Was I wrong about them? I
It can also leave you feeling cheated. If your partner was coping with problem behavior when you were together—irresponsibility, substance use, or other—and you helped them through it, you might feel that some new person is reaping the fruits of your labor.
Of course, it is also possible that seeing your ex with a new partner will trigger jealousy. Sometimes that new person even looks like you, which can make you feel inadequate, as if the new romantic partner is a better version you. Maybe they are younger or more successful. Whatever the case, it can send you wondering why them over me? Was I not good enough?
Often, though, the grass isn’t greener with that new partner. A former patient, Mary, divorced her husband of three years when she realized he could not hold down a job or be reliable in any way. His immaturity was affecting them financially, and Mary felt so burdened she could no longer see him as a romantic partner. About six months after the divorce, Mary, sitting in a movie theater, spotted a happy-looking couple with a boy of 9 or 10 a few rows ahead. The man had his arm around the woman, and Mary thought, wow, how nice that they’ve been together for years and he is still affectionate. She spent the whole movie watching them and felt envious.
When the movie ended and the couple stood up, she realized the man was her ex-husband with an older woman and the woman's son. The experience validated her decision to end the marriage; she could see that her ex had found someone new to take care of him—someone who had unwittingly just inherited another child. I think of that often when other patients doubt themselves after seeing an ex ex they knew wasn’t right for them in a new relationship.
How, then, to handle all the feelings that arise when a partner moves on before you do, without losing perspective? The most important thing is to remember what led you to end the relationship. It overrides feelings of deprivation, anger, and disappointment. If, in fact, your ex’s new partner does look like you, take it as a compliment. It means they still find attractive.
It can be more difficult if you weren’t the one to end the relationship. In that case, it’s a good time to take inventory of what went wrong, why things didn’t work out, and think about what you could do in a different way next time. Use it as am opportunity to grow so that you don't find yourself in the same situation again.
When you see your ex with their new love interest, however cozy they look doesn't mean they're not dealing with the same kinds of issues your partnership did. “For guys like you, I was out of your league, and that’s why you’re with someone like you,” Shakira says in her new song. And on Instagram she wrote, “When faced with contempt, continue to know your worth.”
