Verified by 
Most people tend to prefer sex with their partner over masturbating by themselves. Sure, sometimes it’s great to just have some solo fun, but generally, most of us would prefer to do something together, whether it’s intercourse or whatever. But what should you do if your partner isn’t around and may not be interested in sex later?
This is the dilemma—do you take the lesser but certain experience now or do you hold out for the better but uncertain experience later?
How do you maximize your sexual satisfaction without risking resentment? You don’t want to feel disappointed over holding out for nothing, but you also don’t want your partner to feel pressured to participate when they’re uninterested. And you don’t want your partner to feel disappointed if you took care of yourself and then aren’t interested in doing something together. Let’s talk about how to resolve this really common dilemma in relationships so that you’re both happier.
Does Masturbation Actually Make Shared Sex Less Likely?
Let’s start by exploring the old idea that masturbation takes away from interest in shared sexual activity. This is based on the idea that sexual desire is a finite resource and that whatever orgasms are used in one place are not available for the other. This may be true in a general sense, but it is not universally and totally true. For some people, sex begets sex—sexual activity (solo or partnered) increases sexual desire. It keeps sex more front and center, rather than fading to the background.
Therefore, if you find out that your partner is masturbating without you, don’t assume that it’s costing you shared sex. Ask them how those earlier solo times affect what happens later. If it isn’t a problem, then it isn’t a problem.
However, even if solo activities do drain away some desire for shared activities, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are automatically forbidden. Couples need to negotiate what their sex life looks like, both joint and solo. Do the restrictions of monogamy also exclude solo sexual activities? For some couples they do, but for many, they don’t. Regardless of where you stand on this question, it’s probably safe to say that it’s good for partners to discuss it and be sure they are actually on the same page with it. Secrets—of any kind—can cause big problems.
The Right of First Refusal?
Some romantic partners may want to at least be given the offer of fooling around together before their partner takes care of themselves. This is just being polite, just as I would hope that partners ask the other person before eating all the leftover pizza. This might make for an awkward text or phone call, but at least it’s direct and honest and makes a happier outcome more likely. If you’re hesitant to reach out like this, remind yourself that this discomfort gets you out of the dilemma of not knowing whether to settle or hold out. Better yet, have a conversation about it before it becomes an issue. Ask your partner if they want you to ask first and, if so, how. It’s better to know than to wonder.
The partner who is being asked needs to remember that if you want your partner to ask you first, then you need to make it easy for them to do so. This means reacting well in the moment, but also not making them feel bad about it somehow afterward. This means no passing comments that make it clear that you’re not actually as cool with it as you are trying to claim, or being cold or prickly afterward without saying why. I have a saying that you can’t punish honesty and then expect the truth. A bad reaction will teach your partner to not ask again and perhaps be tempted to masturbate secretly—yes, it is their responsibility to act with integrity, but you don’t want to make it harder for them.
Alternatively, if they don’t feel like they can masturbate, then they will put all of their sexual expectations onto you. This can feel like an honor but can also become an unwelcome obligation when you aren’t interested.
Having said that, if you tell your partner to hold off so that you can do something together later, then you are not contractually obligated to fool around if you later don’t feel like it. Give a good apology and then give your partner permission to take care of themselves, with a raincheck for next time.
Don’t Make It Either/Or
This brings us to what to do if the best-laid plans don’t come to fruition—if you hold off masturbating and then your partner turns out not to be up for it. If you feel comfortable telling your partner that you’re going to take care of yourself, then you won’t get caught in what feels like a high-stakes gamble—if I hold off for sex later will I then wind up with nothing? This puts you in a position to feel like you have to either settle for the immediate smaller payoff or gamble it all for the bigger payoff later. Regardless of which you choose, it’s easy to feel frustrated about it, to feel like you are being unnecessarily limited.
The solution here is to have a good middle option of being able to still masturbate later if your partner isn’t interested, so you don’t actually lose anything by waiting. If things work out well, you have a good time with your partner. Worst case scenario, you have the same good time by yourself that you would have had earlier. No resentment, no disappointment, no pressure.
At a deeper level, there’s also a lesson here about taking responsibility for our own happiness. If you feel like too much of your happiness depends on what your partner does or doesn’t do, that is a set up for tension in the relationship. Instead, recognize the situation for what it is and your partner for who they are and what they want, then make your own choices. If you choose to masturbate rather than wait because that feels like what will be best for you, then own the decision and feel good for having chosen the best of the available options. You may wish that there were some other options available, but you can feel good about making a mature decision from those that are available.
