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Hold your self-definitions gently.
What does this mean?
The opposite of holding something gently is to hold it tightly. When you hold something white-knuckled and squeezing for all your worth, you’re attached to it, clinging, needing it, wanting it. I don’t know about you, but I hold plenty of things in my life quite tightly. Especially, I think, we are prone to hold definitions of ourselves very close to us. Most of us, after all, want to BE who we think we are; we want others to think we are who we say we are. And we spend a lot of time trying to prove we are who we wish we were. Whew! What a lot of work.
My narrative about myself was challenged during my trip to South America last year. In order to go to Chile for five months, I had to put my life at home on hold. Most of the pieces to the puzzle that is me, needed to be taken apart and placed in storage, so to speak. My two sweet little dogs went to live with my friend and neighbor, Julie. My home went to Hilda, who also took care of the cat. The responsibilities I carried in my writing community (The Red Wheelbarrow Writers) were sloughed off to several dear friends who were willing to each take pieces of the role I had been filling. And most of my clients, friendships, and writing routines were all put on hold, too. Just to get to Concepcion, Chile, I had to strip down my world to me, myself, and I and a suitcase full of clothes that I knew I would hate by the time I’d worn and re-worn them for five months.
I undertook my strip-down willingly, but I didn’t anticipate how leaving behind the trappings of my life would impact me. Once I was on foreign ground, I felt a little out of control, to be honest. While we were in Chile, every time I thought of my dogs, I could do no more than to send a prayer out to the universe that they were okay. Or when I thought of my elderly grandparents, again, I had to consciously offer them to Life to take care of; I could not drive them to doctor appointments or take them out to breakfast (things that usually delude me into thinking I have some influence over their well-being). My loss of control of my life back home was at once terrifying and freeing. Terrifying because I began to realize that my long-held sense of jurisdiction over details was—had always been—an illusion. And freeing because I discovered my sense of identity was not tied to all of the things I thought of as “ME.” In Chile I was not acting as writer or coordinator for other writers, doggie mom, best friend who is always there to talk you through something, therapist, grand-daughter, homeowner. I was just this woman no one knew—someone who could be anyone.
It’s rare that most people get the opportunity to open possibilities of identity the way that I did, or at least it is rare that we consider holding our sense of identity with open palms. The narrative of who you are has been, as is true for me and for everyone else in the world, a carefully designed structure, built on the foundation of your history and your relationships. But WHAT IF you are more/other/beyond what you know yourself to be.
What if you left your life behind and started brand new as someone else?
I’m not suggesting that you do this!! I mean, even a zillion miles away from home, you carry definitions and attachments with you to a huge degree. I still Skyped with my friend to check on my dogs, called my grandparents regularly, and texted with Hilda to look in on the house and the cat. I still knew that I was a writer, a runner, a friend, a wine- and pet-lover. But I also felt I might be more than those things.
Challenge and Practice:
Consider this: Holding your self-definitions very gently, without grasping after what you don’t have control over anyway, can give you a sense of possibility. What else might you be if you loosened your grip on how you think of yourself? What roles do you have in your life that most define you? And even if you love those roles, what might be freed up in you if you didn’t fill them for a time? Take some time and explore these questions in writing.
Most people I’ve worked with—therapy and writing clients alike—have a feeling they are not living into their greatest potential. Holding your life—and the self-definitions life has given you over the years—gently can revolutionize the possibilities you see for yourself.
