Making a Difference in Patients' Lives Through Agreement

Source: Catkin/Pixabay

In my previous post, I described empathy. Empathy is the second part of the LEAP method, which stands for Listen, Empathize, Agree, and Partner. LEAP is championed by Xavier Amador in his book I Am Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help! In this post, I describe agreement.

I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2007, after being picked up by police and taken to a psychiatric hospital from the churchyard, where I was living in a psychotic, homeless condition. When my doctors pronounced that I was severely mentally ill, I did not agree.

Part of the reason I did not agree was that I continued to have hope for my future. I thought that agreeing I had schizophrenia was the equivalent of giving up. I did not know that schizophrenia is a medical condition from which it is possible to fully recover, thanks to modern medications and treatments.

Because I did not agree that I was mentally ill, I certainly did not agree that I needed medication.

Being in the hospital enabled my doctor, treatment team, and parents to step into my life and influence my choices as they never had before. After my doctor strongly suggested medication, my parents convinced me to follow the advice of this doctor by emphasizing it could help me regain a healthy mind and rebuild my life. Although I did not in any way fully agree with my diagnosis, I agreed enough to begin taking antipsychotic medication. I highly doubt I would have ever begun medication as an outpatient.

I still did not fully agree that anything was wrong with me. Because I did not believe I was sick and because the medication had bad side effects, I stopped taking it shortly after being discharged. Due to this decision, my second hospitalization quickly followed. I strongly disliked being hospitalized.

I wanted my second hospitalization to be my last, so I was finally willing to admit something was wrong with me. For the first time, I agreed with my treatment team that I might need medication. But I also knew I needed a different one, as my first medication (not the disease) left me disabled (I slept 16 hours a night and was too restless to work even a simple job). Because I sincerely agreed that I needed medication, I have been compliant since 2007, 14 years ago.

But even though I agreed to medication, I still did not fully agree that I was seriously mentally ill or that I was actually hearing voices. I remember a phone call with an insurance company during that time. They asked me if I had ever been seriously mentally ill. I answered that no, of course, I had never been seriously mentally ill! I did not yet realize or have the insight to understand that I was struggling with severe, treatment-resistant schizophrenia.

From the first time when I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and for the following three months, every time my doctor asked if I was hearing voices, I adamantly claimed I was not. I told myself that I was not mentally ill, and so it was impossible for me to hear voices. I believed that what I heard in my mind must have been a normal experience that is common in the general public. I resolved to not talk about it, as no one else seemed to be talking about their voices.

Learning to agree that I had schizophrenia took time. The first thing I agreed on, and the most important thing, was to take medication. Once the medication was in my system for a few months, my mind began to clear, and I began to realize that I did, in fact, have schizophrenia.

About three months after making a commitment to always take medication, I found myself at a turning point. I was at my parents’ home one afternoon, sitting on their patio, when I realized that it was finally time to admit to hearing voices. I called my mom at work and shared my symptoms with her. She was initially worried, thinking I had new symptoms, but I admitted the voices had been with me for about one year prior to medication and then a few months despite medication.

My mom was relieved and encouraged, now that I was finally ready to agree to talk about what was really happening. By admitting my hallucinations had not fully resolved, my treatment plan became more targeted to find a medicine that would bring me into a higher level of recovery.

Looking back, agreeing to honestly disclose that I was hearing voices was one of the biggest milestones in my recovery and in my life.

Psychopharmacology Essential Reads

The Logic of Drug Names

Are My Meds Working Really Well or Do I No Longer Need Them?

Today, I have nothing to hide. Now that the voices are gone, I don’t feel ashamed to talk about how they felt or what they were like. I have been very nearly symptom-free for 13 years.

Agreeing is not always easy. It can be a gradual process, like climbing stairs. In my case, agreeing I needed meds, agreeing I had schizophrenia, and then finally disclosing I had been hearing voices felt brutal at every step. However, my agreement brought me into the full remission I experience today.

To those who helped and encouraged me to find my way, I am deeply grateful.

In my next article, I will discuss the final part of the LEAP method: Partnering.