Thoughts About 9/11

It is always interesting to think about where we were on an historic day, especially one that shook all our lives to the core. I was in Manchester, England on 9/11/2001 planning to give a talk about grief in children. It was hard to believe. I thought I was seeing a bad movie. There were no formulas, no easy answers. I went on to Dublin, Ireland from there. Again the disbelief was overwhelming. Dublin closed for a day to honor the dead. There were Irish families on the planes. Again I was asked for a formula to help people cope. Would that I had one; not for myself or for anyone else. What I did know was that children should not be alone when they watched what happened. Adults needed to be prepared to screen some of the horror. However, for those whose parents were killed there was no way to protect them from what happened.

When I got home I noted the lists of deceased in the newspapers. A formula had been created for honoring them. I liked this because they were not anonymous names, they were people, they had families, they had children, they were parents, grandparents, siblings, people who cared and were cared about. Programs were set up to bring families together for mutual support and to help them deal with this sudden and unreal death. This is what was needed and they went on for many years. As a result many survivors found creative ways of working together to deal with their loss. They made it very clear, that in helping each other they helped themselves to find a way for themselves and their children to live in this very changed world. The survivors were in charge of how they coped and what they needed to do.

In contrast many associated with ground zero talked about closure, that is trying to help people quickly deal with their grief. There was an urgency in the way grief was presented to these families. As a way of helping families find closure they were given some of the gravel from ground zero. Families I spoke with were clear that the only closure this would bring was for people working at ground zero. This would not help them. They did not anticipate that there would be closure for them and they were right.

I was not comfortable with the theories of grief that talked about closure and recovery. I preferred to think about how people are changed by the loss. Much of the lives of the survivors were changed and as they dealt with their feelings and their sadness they also had to help themselves and their children deal with change, with what was a new world in many, many ways.

As I watched the ceremonies on 9/11/2011 I could see that there was no closure for the survivors. Most had gone on with their lives, finding new ways of living in their world. However the memories, their sense of what was lost, their grief was still there to be shared and to be talked about, it was a part of who they were. Children had grown and were understanding in new ways what was lost. We have come to understand that their lives are different, not better or worse, but different. They too are learning this. There will always be a depth of feeling for what they lost . They will always remember. I am always moved by the poem We Remember Them by Rabbis Sylvan Kamens and Jack Riemer found in tthe GATES of PRAYER published in 1975. The poem says it so beautifully. Here a few phrases from it:

At the rising of the sun and at its going down We remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live;
for they are now a part of us as we remember them.