Russell Brand on How Not to Ruin a Relationship

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Russell Brand refers to himself as an expert on "how not to ruin a relationship" through his own experience with ruining relationships. In his stand-ups and YouTube videos, he cites being insecure, feeling inadequate, feeling inferior, expecting the other person to make him feel better about himself, making the other person responsible for his well-being, unconsciously expecting them to be more of a parent than a partner, and expecting them to meet the requirements of addiction, which he suggests is a source of yearning, emptiness, hollowness, worthlessness, and dirtiness.

This description or recipe for how to fail in a relationship is perhaps similar to what many would call a dysfunctional dependent relationship. That is, one or both partners (in the case of co-dependency) become dependent on the other to fulfill them in ways beyond what would be considered typical in a healthy relationship.

Many people fall into patterns of toxicity and controlling behavior, fueled by insecurity, expecting their partner to be responsible for their happiness. Russell suggests that if you are depending on a relationship to fulfill something within you that ought to be fulfilled in other areas of your life, and you make a partner responsible for your feelings, then it will likely fail.

What a healthy relationship looks like

Russell goes on to suggest that instead of making our partner responsible for our feelings, we should instead be engaging in behavior consistent with what Kahlil Gibran refers to in his poems as allowing each other to grow like two separate trees independently and not in each other shadows. This perhaps refers to a suggestion of developing awareness to allow yourselves to live separate, adjacent lives where both partners can grow in tandem, independently, but closely connected with one another.

Russell then suggests that the function of a relationship should be one that includes a shared vision with your partner and where a nurturing and encouraging attitude towards them is central. He confesses that when he realizes he is not adhering to this principled function in his own life, then he realizes there is a problem with himself.

He also suggests that in the past, he was less aware of this, and when he used to fall in love with someone, it was such a giddying experience of endorphins and dopamine that it was like a tornado of emotions and feelings, and he found it very difficult to navigate a path through that and to connect with a deeper reality. So, as a result of this, he sought to control the situation and the other person. He then suggests that he has always realized at the back of his mind that this approach of controlling is never going to be a successful approach and that if you do, you will create a very unhealthy experience for both participants.

How acceptance and commitment therapy can help improve relationships

Much of what Russell talks about is consistent with an approach called acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT)^{1, 2}. This approach can perhaps be viewed as less of a therapy (outside of a clinical context) and more of a way of life to help guide individuals to achieve a commitment to value-orientated living. Russell often refers to a journey of awakening, and ACT refers to a similar awakening, referred to as the process of developing the transcendental self. Russell also refers to noticing a second observing mind when he says that even in the depth of his drug addiction, he noticed "there is something beneath the grid of behaviors, the equations that make up the self, just beyond it there is a second observing mind which can be realized."

In ACT, this type of second self is referred to as the transcendent self, a form of the self in context to experience where a person can begin to realize there is a part of us that is the witness to our experience and separate to the content of our day-to-day thoughts and beliefs about the world. Within ACT, there are specific cognitive defusion exercises where one can begin to realize that they should hold their thoughts and self stories lightly and understand that this distancing from thoughts can be healthy.

Russell also refers to the need to be aware and present in a relationship, to ask yourself how you can be valuable and of service to your partner. He suggests that we should recognize the limitations of your ego's drive, which is cultivated in a society that encourages individualism and perhaps selfishness. Such a culture can prevent you from living your authentic self, he suggests, where the necrotic self can take control. Again, ACT highlights the need for awareness in the here and now and in the present moment.

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As a simple three-part suggestion, which may be helpful to you, ACT asks us to:

1. Take notice.

Be present in the moment and open yourself up to painful experiences, your limitations, in a non-judgment way. This can be helpful, as if we don't, we can avoid potentially hurtful experiences and allow more judgmental and controlling strategies to dominate our intimate relationship.

2. Identify what matters.

Explore what matters to you and what matters to your partner. Where can you start connecting your shared values, where both of you can derive meaning? Russell suggests this should be central to a relationship, and values can consist of being more nurturing to your partner and less controlling and expecting of them.

3. Take action mindfully.

Once you identify shared values, then take action and commit to them, and in a mindful and non-judgmental way. It is important to follow through with our values, despite any opposing insecure thoughts we may have about the need to control a relationship.

As humans, we all have basic human yearnings about belonging and connection. Engaging in ACT consistently may provide us with some additional structure to the perhaps very wise relationship suggestions of Russell. Developing and awakening to a new transcendental self—i.e., the authentic you behind the stories that you create for yourself—may help you recognize how you can be of service in your relationship and ultimately develop a thriving relationship which both you and your significant other can enjoy.