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Relationships
Learn to Love Yourself to Help You Love Others
Why learning self-compassion is so important.
Posted January 18, 2020 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Being in love may be one of the most intense and impactful experiences. People in love admit to spending about 85 percent of their time thinking about the object of their affection1.
This is, of course, no surprise, as intense romantic love evokes brain regions associated with rewards, specifically dopamine (the pleasure chemical), and increases feelings of motivation, ecstasy, and craving2,3.
As a result of these powerful, provoking emotions, love is portrayed in the media perhaps more than any other subject area, with 73 percent of songs referring to love4 compared to only 37 percent of songs referring to sexual intercourse5, not to mention all of the movies and other forms of media about love.
Some may only thrive on the momentary buzz of entering a relationship, with no long-term commitment in mind—a serial dater, perhaps. However, many others, depending on what they value, want to develop a deeply connected relationship with another human being. For those who seek the latter, some lucky ones may find a happy ever after, whilst for others, it may be more difficult.
Indeed, many people often find this is not always possible. They get caught in negative cycles that can cause a rupture, resentment, and the end of the relationship. Statistics show that about half of first marriages end in divorce, and second marriages are even more likely to end in divorce.6 Though there are many circumstances for relationship breakups and falling out of love, such as financial problems, affairs, and lives and interests diverging in different directions, some can stem from personal problems with themselves, sometimes in the form of classified personality disorders.
Problems with selves may be rooted in painful or abusive histories, which, if unchecked, can affect the way you relate to yourself and the person you love. Borderline personality disorder relates to a history of insecure disorganized attachment,7 often characterized by emotional instability, impulsive behavior, and intense, unstable relationships.
Other personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder, which is characterized by excessive interest with oneself, selfishness, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of empathy, can greatly affect the quality of a relationship. Many of us may have heard of the "gaslighter" who may lie, project, or align people against their partner in a relationship in order to maintain control. Of course, not all relationships are so toxic; however, toxic relationships usually have one thing in common—issues with the self.
In supporting yourself, one way is to engage in self-compassion exercises. Loving yourself should not be in a narcissistic way, but instead in a deeply connected, non-judgmental, and compassionate way. Self-compassion involves self-kindness instead of self-judgment, common humanity and belonging instead of isolation, and mindfulness instead of over-identification.8 A balanced, mindful response to internal suffering is important, where one does not try to suppress difficult emotions, nor does one ruminate on these feelings.9
The internal struggle with difficult thoughts and emotions (i.e., issues with the self) may be one of the reasons for the toxicity in a relationship, a reflecting outward of the inward turbulence. A toxic relationship may be misleading, as there can be passion, but without any of the truly loving, caring, or connected aspects, which may be important for longer-term success.
These relationships often involve highlighting the other's deficits in hurtful ways and may be an outward projection of insecurity and emotional instability of the self. Self-compassion can facilitate a feeling of connection to others when things go wrong and in times of failure and difficulty.10 It can help you balance awareness of painful experiences, acknowledging them in the present moment, and not dramatically running away from the storyline of one’s problems in life.
For these reasons, developing a healthy relationship with yourself may be the key to developing a healthy relationship with another. Studies have demonstrated that people who are more self-compassionate have more positive and higher-quality relationships than those who do not.11 Perhaps, therefore, the most important relationship you have really is with yourself.
Problems such as narcissism can be internally characterized by closing off from vulnerability, which can be harmful. In contrast to this, a connection with self in a compassionate, accepting way, where one is open to vulnerabilities such as painful memories and experiences, may facilitate a deeper openness and connection with others. It’s this connection that may then ultimately allow for longer, more satisfying, and truly loving relationships. So, learning self-care through self-compassion will help you truly love another.
References
1. Fisher, Xu, X., Aron, A., & Brown, L. L. (2016). Intense, passionate, romantic love: a natural addiction? How the fields that investigate romance and substance abuse can inform each other. Frontiers in psychology, 7, 687.
2. Fisher. (2016). Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray (Completely Revised and Updated with a New Introduction): WW Norton & Company.
3. Xu, X., Wang, J., Aron, A., Lei, W., Westmaas, J. L., & Weng, X. (2012). Intense passionate love attenuates cigarette cue-reactivity in nicotine-deprived smokers: An fMRI study. PloS one, 7(7), e42235.
4. Christenson, P. G., & Roberts, D. F. (1998). It’s not only rock & roll: Popular music in the lives of adolescents. Journal of Communication, 49(4), 212-229.
5. Primack, B. A., Gold, M. A., Schwarz, E. B., & Dalton, M. A. (2008). Degrading and non-degrading sex in popular music: A content analysis. Public Health Reports, 123(5), 593-600.
6. Cherlin, A. (1992). orig. 1981. Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage. Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press.
7. Lyons-Ruth, Yellin, C., Melnick, S., & Atwood, G. (2005). Expanding the concept of unresolved mental states: Hostile/helpless states of mind on the Adult Attachment Interview are associated with disrupted mother–infant communication and infant disorganization. Development and psychopathology, 17(1), 1-23.
8. Neff. (2003b). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
9. Tirch. (2010). Mindfulness as a context for the cultivation of compassion. International Journal of Cognitive Therapy, 3(2), 113-123.
10. Neff. (2003a). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and identity, 2(3), 223-250.
11. Neff, & Beretvas, S. N. (2013). The role of self-compassion in romantic relationships. Self and Identity, 12(1), 78-98.
