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Relationships
Why Sharing a House or Being a Guest Can Cause Conflict
Both holiday hosts and house guests face privacy and territoriality challenges.
Posted December 18, 2023 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
Key points
- Both house guests and hosts experience temporary losses of primary territory, which can create tensions.
- Primary territories, which are most often our homes or spaces within them, are central to our everyday lives.
- Primary territories are important privacy spaces enabling feelings of personal autonomy and stress recovery.
- Temporary loss of primary territory is stressful, so respecting this territorial need can reduce tensions.
In the 1989 movie National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Clark Griswold wants nothing more than an old-fashioned family Christmas with extended family all together under one roof. Quirky family members descend, and magical moments are thwarted by all matters of disaster. It’s a case where it’s funny because it’s kind of true. The holiday reality of sharing our home with houseguests (or being a houseguest) sometimes flies in the face of the warm and fuzzy experience we envisioned.
Of course, you likely know that sometimes this is because past hurts and resentments lurk in the background and are easily re-triggered. These can discolor our interactions and interpretations of each other’s behavior, leading to conflict. Even when we try to keep things to ourselves for the sake of the holidays, they may leak out in passive-aggressive comments or our facial expressions.
And just because someone’s technically family, doesn’t mean that they share our values, beliefs, and lifestyle. Clashes may create conflict, awkwardness, or, at the very least, lots of effort and private fuming to keep the peace. You might find my Psychology Today essay on dealing with this situation to be helpful.
But even if these aren’t issues, you may find yourself unexpectedly "grrr" towards your holiday host or houseguest this holiday season. Some of this “weirdness” between holiday hosts and holiday houseguests can be explained by something that we tend to take for granted until we lose it, even temporarily. It’s what environmental psychologists call a “primary territory,” and it serves some important psychological needs that are thwarted when someone stays with us, or when we stay with someone.
How Hosts and House Guests Lose Privacy and Territorial Control (and What Happens When They Do)
A primary territory is a physical space that’s central to our daily life and that we “own” and control. It’s most often our home, or a room in our home, such as a bedroom. Because we are the rulers of these mini kingdoms, we have a degree of freedom and control typically lacking in other physical spaces. These are one of the few places where we’re the “boss” and can do as we please. This personal autonomy and behavioral control are not small things. They help us feel in control of our lives. We may become irritable and feel off-balance when we lose that freedom, even if it’s a temporary loss due to the holiday visits.
Primary territories are also important privacy spaces where we’re able to regulate other people’s access to us and control what others know about us. This, too, helps us feel in control of our lives (the personal autonomy function of privacy). For example, primary territories usually include spaces where we can be alone without observation or interference from others (solitude privacy).
The solitude we customarily experience in our primary territories is a big deal. We need solitude privacy so we can do things we can only do alone, like personal grooming, having a good cry, or singing with abandon (the emotional release privacy function).
Getting ready to leave home, or getting ready for house guests, adds to the stress of the holiday season. Primary territories are normally where we’re able to relax and recover from cognitive fatigue and overload (the rejuvenation function of privacy). The loss of our primary territory because we're away from it, or have to share it with houseguests, means that we often experience a loss of privacy and the stress-reduction-and-recovery functions it serves.
Reserve privacy is also frequently compromised when houseguests and hosts temporarily live together. This type of privacy is about controlling what others know about us, and it also helps us feel in control of our lives. When we have house guests, or stay at someone’s house, they may potentially learn things about us that we’d rather they not know (our bathroom, eating, porn watching, TikTok watching, health, or alcohol/drug use, or financial situation, for example). To protect their privacy, both guests and hosts usually feel compelled to change what they normally do (or hide it) to protect their privacy. This self-monitoring and vigilance requires thought and effort, and some anxiety.
Territorial Infringements and Reactions
Primary territories are so personal and central to our daily life, it’s natural to defend them if someone infringes upon them. House guest infringements most often involve unintentional “invasions” and “contaminations.”
Invasions are when people enter where they’re not wanted, and contaminations are when someone “fouls” someone else's territory. For example, a host may feel you’ve invaded their territory if you go into their bedroom or if you help yourself to whatever’s in the medicine cabinet or refrigerator without permission. House guests may feel invaded if someone comes into their temporary space uninvited. If a house guest makes a mess or leaves belongings strewn about, the host may experience it as a contamination.
People react when their territories are infringed upon. Internally, they feel upset and thrown off-balance. They get grumpy. They gripe behind the offenders' backs and act coldly towards them.
Verbal responses ("Get out" or "Don't touch my stuff") are relatively uncommon, since most people are non-confrontational. But sometimes, gentler verbal responses occur ("It's okay, but please ask next time").
People often experience dissonance about these feelings, especially during the holidays. We want to be generous and loving, not stingy with our home or kindness. We may have wanted the visit, looked forward to it, and feel conflicted when we're irritated with our guests or our hosts.
Conclusion
Privacy and territoriality are understudied topics in psychology even though they’re so relevant to our interpersonal relationships and explain some interpersonal conflicts.
While it always helps to know our feelings are “normal” and explainable, you may wonder how to apply what I’ve said. Fortunately, there are things that both hosts and house guests can do to better respect this important territorial need and make for a better holiday visit. For more on that, see my Psychology Today essays “How to be a good house guest,” and “Preventing Trouble with House Guests."
