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You don't need to be a Catholic who follows Lent to benefit from the practice or spiritual discipline of giving something up. Whether it's letting go of a habit, a craving, or a way of acting toward others, the practice of letting go teaches us to let go of attachments.
Here's a reframe of what intentionally giving up something really means: To sacrifice or relinquish something you value is much like taking a sacred vow or devoting yourself to an intentional awareness practice.
If taking a vow sounds scary, take a nice soothing breath. What I'm suggesting here is really very simple and yet also profound in terms of its ripple effect upon yourself and others.
So, what is the single best (and hardest) thing to give up?
Speaking and Talking
If you like hearing yourself talk, this is no easy task. However, not talking makes you more likely to listen and hear others. That's hard to do when you're talking, isn't it? Several studies show that active listening helps relationships. Recent research in the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology showed that parents who attentively listened to their teens helped them share and self-disclose more. In other words, good listening is a path to greater trust and understanding.
The Superpower of Silence
After taking my monk's vows, I still remember going to the dining room for my first 6:30 am morning meal with the monks. On each wall was a sheet of paper with two words: Noble Silence. The sign might just as well have read, "No talking" or "Pay attention."
Rarely have I been so "seen by others" by not being heard. By not talking, I became more acutely aware of my own eating, as well as the needs of other monks for more water or food should they need any.
At a deeper spiritual level, not speaking is about relinquishing the ego's need to be heard. It's about giving up your identification with all those things you believe in, defend, and which you think define you. Paradoxically, the act of letting go lets you gain the gift of greater awareness and insight.
By embracing silence, you create the opportunity to empty your cup and let the outside in. You allow space for the ideas and feelings of others by opening up and listening. Yes, you might be giving something up, but you are really offering others the gift of presence, openness, and non-judgment.
That said, should you clam up? Should you literally stop talking? No, I don't think that's possible in our daily lives. However, I believe there's a middle way, which is learning to actively listen. That in itself is a worthwhile practice because you're giving up the old way of imposing your beliefs and identifications on others! As an awareness practice, consider using the following four-part practice for at least one significant interaction you have each day.
4-Part Active Listening Practice: H-E-A-R
We need new ways of freely listening and communicating that help us remain open, creative, and compassionate. Whatever old emotional beliefs or clutter may be getting in your way during a conversation or communication, use the simple acronym, H.E.A.R.—excerpted here from my book Clearing Emotional Clutter—to enter a more spacious and less defensive awareness.
H—Hold All Assumptions: Empty Your Ego, Be Curious
- To truly enter into a space of openness with another, it’s important to let go of your previously held assumptions. Take an attitude of curiosity toward this person—how did they develop these ideas? What concerns do they have? Are they speaking from a place of fear or worry?
E—Enter the Emotional World: Empathy to Engage, Not Enrage
- What happens when you push against someone’s mood or beliefs? Suppose you tell an angry person, “It’s silly to be angry. It’s not helping. You can think better when you calm down.”
- Instead of giving an answer, a demand, or a command, which could be enraging, try entering that person’s emotional world for a moment and feeling what it’s like to be in their shoes. You might respond, “I’ve never seen you this angry (sad, upset, frustrated, etc.). Can you help me understand? Empathy is like the martial arts practice of Jiu Jitsu, which uses the energy of others, rather than opposes it.
A—Absorb and Accept: Understanding, With Openness
- Did you ever play the "telephone game," where a phrase was whispered to others who sat in a circle? By the time the phrase made its way to the final person, it usually bore little or no resemblance to the original statement. It’s easy to misinterpret what we hear, and that’s why we need to absorb it.
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We might be able to absorb what another says, but without acceptance, the absorption won’t stick. Acceptance is necessary for us to surrender to another’s perspective. Acceptance doesn’t mean we must agree, but that we can be open to how another feels.
R—Reflect, Then Respect: Insight, With a Respectful Response
- Reflection is the step of pausing and looking inward to think about what you have heard. You may not be ready to respond right away, and it’s okay to pause. Reflection lets you allow for space, openness, and your inner wisdom and kindness. Sometimes, a long walk without trying to get an answer is the way to reflect. Sharing your concerns with a wise benefactor might also help you reflect.
- When you are ready to respond, do so respectfully and with kindness. Don’t respond when you are feeling angry. When your heart is filled with wisdom and love, and respect, that is the time to speak and respond.
Practice H-E-A-R each day as a tool to increase your ability to open up to others. And when you open, don't be surprised if they follow.
