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- Force and frustration are likely to provoke resistance from your teen; listen and be empathetic instead.
- Be specific and consistent about what you expect from your teen and consider shaking on your agreements.
- When following up on an expectation, keep your reminders respectful and even humorous.
In our last post, we discussed the key to setting limits with teens, which is to connect and empathize while setting those limits. In today’s post, we will go through the seven steps for how to set limits with empathy.
1. Connect.
This presupposes a relationship where connection is easy and warm.
2. Set an expectation.
When children are little, this is often an order ("No hitting!"), but as they get older, this works better as an observation and question that cedes at least some control: "I notice you haven't showered in a few days and as you know, I think it's important to shower regularly. What's your plan to shower this weekend?"
3. Listen, Reflect, and Empathize.
"You really see showering as a waste of time. I hear you. You're a busy guy!" If you're like most parents who assume you're right and your child is being unreasonable, this may be where you feel entitled to express your frustration. But from your child's perspective, you're unreasonably asserting control over his body about something totally unimportant. Any time we use frustration or force to get our way, we provoke resistance.
4. Stick to your expectation and ask for cooperation.
That's if you still think it's important, of course. If your young person explains that a shower will wash the cool dye out of their hair, and they want to keep it for one more day so everyone in school will see it on Monday, you may well shift your expectation.
But let's say you still want your kid to do what you're asking. You say "I hear you. You hate showering and don't think it's important. That's because we humans don't really notice our own smell! But even though this isn't important to you, it's important to me, because it's good hygiene to shower regularly, just out of basic respect for others, so they don't have to smell you. When you're a grown-up, maybe you'll decide never to shower, and you'll make it into the Guinness Book of World Records. But I would still like you to shower this weekend. When would be a good time for you to shower?"
5. Be specific about the agreement and shake on it.
"So you're committing to shower before bed, which means around 8:30 p.m., right? Thank you. I appreciate your willingness to do this for me, even though you don't yet share my feeling that it's important. Let's shake on it." From the time children are very young, it's a good idea to shake on agreements and say, "We always keep our promises." (Fair warning: they will recall every promise you ever break, even for good reason, and you will have to make repairs. But they will take promises seriously.)
6. Remind respectfully and with connection.
Approaching the issue with respect like this makes it more likely that your young person will agree to what you're asking, and will be willing to keep their commitment. But that doesn't mean you won't have to stay involved to hold your limit or be sure they meet your expectation. So at dinner, bring it up again. "What are your plans for the evening? I'm delighted to hear that your homework is done, and I know you plan to shower around 8:30 p.m. Do you have time to play a quick game with me before that?"
7. Remind with humor.
When 8:30 p.m. comes and goes and your young person is still on the couch, plop down on top of him. "I wonder why this couch is so lumpy? It can't be Alex. It's past 8:30, so I know he's in the shower. Hmm ... what's going on here? ... Oh, my goodness, that lump is you, Alex! I'm shocked, shocked to find you still on the couch at shower time!" As long as you're doing this with a sense of humor, you'll both be laughing, and he'll head to the shower.
Does this seem like a lot of work? It is. But this is what the work of parenting is all about. You're teaching the important lessons. Look what your son learned!
- Dad listens to me.
- We don't always agree, but he understands.
- Sometimes when I don't agree, I still do what he wants, because I like my dad and respect him.
- When you get frustrated with someone, you can still see both sides. You can manage your frustration to work things out with each other.
- I feel close to my dad. I think I can tell my dad anything.
- Showering isn't so bad.
Hard? Yes, because we have to work on ourselves. But this approach makes our children better people. It makes us better people. And it creates a home with a lot less drama—and a lot more love.
