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Key points
- A co-worker who takes advantage of your friendship and repeatedly does these things may be a toxic colleague.
- They say demeaning things, take credit for your work, triangulate, play the victim, and distort things.
- A toxic co-worker can impact your professional self-esteem, create intense anxiety and panic, and ruin your reputation.
- Several specific strategies may help you handle this person and safeguard your work, reputation, and mental health.
A trusted friend may stun you when they "accidentally" take credit for your work or make a demeaning comment. Every part of you may want to sweep these instances under the rug, so you can continue to trust this friend and preserve the team's cohesiveness. However, this person may not be as loyal as you thought. Recognizing the signs of a covert narcissist in the workspace early is critical when attempting to protect yourself. Six behaviors usually signify you are dealing with an unscrupulous work friend.
First, this person makes comments that are devaluing in nature and disguises them as a “complement” or a “joke.” For example, “You have such great ideas, but this isn’t lala-land. We need adults on this team.” These remarks may be confusing because the co-worker is a friend and often jokes around with you. Yet, if the comment stings and swims in your head for days, the sentiment may be fairly toxic. The goal of the demeaning statement is typically to erode your professional self-esteem and sabotage your confidence.
Second, the covert narcissist frequently finds a way to take credit for your work or dumps their responsibilities onto you. Because this person is a friend, you may feel compelled to trust them or help out. However, it may be a manipulation. For example, in passing, this individual may rave about your vision and ask you for your thoughts on a proposal. Acting like they are in a hurry; they may ask you to jot down the ideas in an email. For instance, “I love how you think! I am late for a meeting. Can you send me what you just described to me in an email? Thank you! You are amazing!” Shockingly, the next week, you discover that they presented your work and ideas, as their own, at a board meeting.
Third, if you set a boundary and politely refuse to hand over your work, or refuse to do theirs, they often frame you as, “Not a team player.” Although this is untrue, it hurts because you are someone who actually extends yourself to help the group. The narcissist distorts your boundary and your attempt to protect your work and labels it self-centered.
Fourth, frequently, the problematic colleague will meet with members of your team behind your back and distort scenarios to disparage your character. Because your friend is the last person you expect to exclude you, it throws you for a loop. Using triangulation, the toxic person aligns everyone in the office with them, and against you. In a matter of days, you sense a shift in how everyone in your department feels about you. A week prior, your relationship with the team was stellar, but overnight people grow cold and distant towards you. Now, going to work is painful because people view you as a villain.
The fifth indicator is the co-worker's tendency to play the victim. This makes their attempts to triangulate successful. By positioning themselves as the wounded party and you as the “antagonist” they successfully manipulate people into believing you are a jealous, aggressive, and toxic friend. The irony of this manipulation is profound, yet many people fall for it.
They posture themselves as the innocent and injured party and you as the “abuser.” This strategy is often successful because of the sixth tactic the problematic co-worker employs; distorting your words and actions. For example, say in an interaction, you mention that you are worried that they did not inform a long-standing customer that the company is out of a component that is essential to the client’s business. They may act indignant and angry during the conversation, but later head to the kitchenette and cry loudly. The audible sobs attract several other co-workers who run to see what is wrong. At this point, the narcissist will distort the interaction with you and say that you called them “irresponsible and incompetent.” The team comforts their teammate and perceives you as a cruel bully.
At this point, it may feel as if there is no way out. If you defend yourself, the covert narcissist continues to lie, and it is your word against theirs. In addition, the escalated discussions repeatedly make you look like the problem. Also, because of the leg work that the covert narcissist has already done behind your back, most people in the organization believe that you are the “bad apple.”
However, if you catch the manipulations quickly and are diligent about kindly setting boundaries, it may help. In addition, try to avoid meeting with this person without a third- or fourth-party present. For example, creatively identify a logical reason why an additional party will be in attendance. For example, “Stacy and Rob are interested in learning about this topic. I invited them to sit in our meeting.” This may keep the narcissist honest because they realize they cannot distort the scenario.
Although it may feel disloyal, documenting the date and time of the demeaning comments and unfair exploitations may help. Maintaining an active log regarding the unpleasant exchanges and unprofessional comments establishes a credible theme of harassment. You may appear defensive and less credible if you bring these instances forward after your character has already been attacked. Presenting this record to a trusted superior after you have accrued enough occurrences to establish a theme, may help. The supervisor can, then, start to observe the person's behavior more closely without tipping them off. This may prevent them from manipulating people and attempting to triangulate other members of the team.
Possibly the most important tip when encountering a covert narcissist is maintaining your composure. Although the unfair and unscrupulous character assignation is tortuous to endure, try to appear calm. You may not feel at peace but make every effort to seem relaxed.
Dealing with a person whom you once adored and trusted but who has morphed into an entirely different type of colleague is difficult. It can be extremely anxiety-inducing and may impact every aspect of your life. The emotional mistreatment can be confusing, paralyzing, and trigger intense panic. The decline in your mental health often impacts your life outside of the office. The trick may be to recognize a toxic individual as quickly as possible. By stopping the manipulation and exploitation before it gets underway you may be able to protect yourself. Remain calm, politely reinforce boundaries, involve other people in your discussions with the narcissist, and accrue documentation of the exchanges may help you inoculate the workplace narcissist.
