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Key points
- An angry outburst can create a cycle of fear, misunderstanding, and emotional distance in a family.
- Our anger can change how a child's brain grows and how they connect with others.
- In difficult interactions, asking, “Is there anything I can do to help you?” can help create collaboration.
Parent Ellen had a vision of how she wanted her mornings to look: Her kids would peacefully move through their getting-ready-for-school routines, getting dressed, eating breakfast, and making it all the way to school on their bikes. If they had a hard time, Ellen would show up with the patience to help them navigate the issue in a supportive, loving way.
Sounds beautiful, right? Is that sort of like how you want your mornings to be?
In reality, Ellen’s mornings with her 8- and 10-year-olds (who both have ADHD) were nothing like her vision. Picture her trying to focus on a work Zoom call, trying not to slop pancake batter on the floor, while the kids’ bickering is increasing in volume by the minute.
(Doesn’t it feel kind of agitating just to read that?!)
And rather than helping her children to address their challenges with grace, Ellen would often find herself saying in a cold tone: “Don’t talk to me or come for a hug until you’ve done your tasks”—which she knew was not aligned with her values of collaboration and support, and when her kids melted down, it also didn’t meet her needs for peace, ease, and harmony.
How Anger Affects Family Dynamics
We all feel angry sometimes, whether it's a little upset or really mad, especially when it seems like we’ve been wronged or things seem unfair. Parenting can make us feel this way more often—especially if we identify as female and we’ve been trained our whole lives that it’s our job to be a perfect parent and a perfect homemaker, even if we work full-time outside the home. When anger takes over, it can cause problems and hurt our relationships.
Ellen realized that her outburst had created more than just a mess. When she lost her temper, it didn’t just hurt her children; it changed the entire atmosphere in their home. After she said, “Don’t talk to me or come for a hug until you’ve done your tasks,” everything felt different. Her children would often argue back—especially her son, who also has an oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) diagnosis.
That angry outburst doesn’t just go away quickly. It sticks around, changing how we all get along and connect with each other. It can create a cycle of fear, misunderstanding, and emotional distance, making it harder for the family to stay close and support one another.
These Moments of Anger Aren’t Just About What’s Happening on the Surface
When we get angry, it's often not just about the mess or noise around us. Many times, our anger comes from deeper things, like old hurts from when we were kids or needs that aren't being met. Ellen wasn't really mad at her children for not getting dressed or for fighting over the bathroom. She was feeling overwhelmed, unheard, and disconnected.
Being a parent adds a lot of stress—from financial worries to handling everything at home. Moms often feel this even more because they usually deal with both money problems and most of the parenting. No wonder women feel angry more often when they are expected to be perfect and handle everything well.
When we feel worn out, our window of tolerance becomes narrow, so it's easier to get angry. Even small problems can seem too big to handle. But, if we look deeper, we might find that our anger is really about feeling unsupported or dealing with other issues. When we understand this, we can focus on the real problems instead of just reacting to what's happening right now.
How Anger Affects Kids Over Time
When we get angry, it can confuse and scare our kids. They might respond by yelling back, or they might shrink into themselves, thinking that if they’re perfect, we won’t be so angry with them.
Our anger can also change how a child's brain grows and how they connect with others. They might start copying our angry reactions, which can lead to their own outbursts, aggression, or other behavior problems.
Kids who see a lot of anger might ignore their own feelings to focus on others and have trouble saying "no." They might end up in relationships where they feel treated badly and not see these as warning signs because they seem normal. This can lead to psychological challenges like depression as they grow up.
The 9 Magical Words That Create Collaboration
A few months ago, I coached Ellen to help her understand what was happening in the difficult interactions with her kids. We saw that they were looking for the autonomy to make decisions that felt important to them and connection with Ellen, and her son also had an important need for physical space.
Just a couple of weeks later, her face was lit up with joy as she joined our group coaching call, and she was eager to share her success with us. She had gone to her son’s room and found him sitting on the floor when he was supposed to be getting dressed. And instead of her usual exasperation, she said nine magical words:
“Is there anything I can do to help you?”
He gave her a hug and said he could get dressed himself, and the kids left the house for school on time. They still had a fight on the way to school and returned home, wanting Ellen’s help to solve the problem, but she was on a work call and gently asked them to wait a few minutes.
As she wrapped up her call, her son came into the office and slipped a note under her monitor that read: “I’m sorry we didn’t get to school on time. [Sister] made a joke that upset me and I needed your help. I’m really sorry we interrupted your work call—I know work is important to you, but you still gave me grace.”
Instead of being incredibly upset that they had interrupted her call, Ellen’s heart melted. And then…sister apologized to brother for calling him a name! Ellen almost fell over…were these her kids??!
The first thing Ellen’s daughter wanted to do when they arrived home from school was get together to decide what they would all do differently in their mornings, and things have been much calmer since then.
Ellen said: “There’s been more love and hugs and a lot less arguing as they work together. I’m amazed.” The kids’ needs for autonomy, connection, and physical space are met—and Ellen’s needs for peace, ease, and harmony are met, too. She’s creating the culture of connection and collaboration she’s always dreamed about—and she no longer believes her son’s ODD diagnosis is valid.
Nine magical words. What could they do for you and your kids?
References
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