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Key points
- Losing a mentor involves a distinct and complex bereavement.
- There are important steps you can take to ensure the mentor's legacy lives on.
- Developing a mentoring team can help fill in gaps when you lose a mentor.
- You will live with gratitude for the guidance your mentor has given you.
Two years ago, Kafui Dzirasa, M.D., Ph.D,. the A. Eugene and Marie Washington Presidential Distinguished Professor at Duke University, experienced a profound loss with the passing of his longtime mentor. From his M.D.-Ph.D. student days to his current role as an endowed full professor, his guiding figure answered endless questions, offered a sanctuary in his office, and played a crucial role in the establishment of Dr. Dzirasa's own laboratory. The mentor's untimely death left Dr. Dzirasa feeling unmoored and deeply bereaved, with his mentor's office no longer a refuge where he could freely be himself and indulge his curiosity.
Losing a mentor can be an emotionally charged and challenging experience, especially for those who have shared a prolonged and impactful mentor-mentee relationship. Abe Bartell, M.D., Associate Director of Psychiatry at Westchester Medical Center and Vice Chair of Psychiatry at New York Medical College, sheds light on the parallel grieving processes for mentors and parents. “While distinct, these relationships share emotional similarities, urging us to acknowledge the profound impact mentors have on our personal and professional development.”
Dr. Bartell underscores the unique nature of mentorship, in which “specificity and discretion play a defining role. Unlike the broad scope of parental guidance, mentors often specialize in offering career-related advice. This specificity adds a layer of complexity to the bereavement process, leaving individuals grappling with uncertainty about the wisdom imparted in distinct professional domains.”
When faced with the unexpected loss of a mentor, it becomes crucial to navigate the grieving process while honoring their legacy. Here are seven practical strategies to consider:
Allow Yourself to Grieve
Acknowledge and embrace the natural grieving process associated with the loss. Permitting oneself to feel the sadness is essential for fostering healing.
Connect with Others
Seek support from those whose lives were similarly influenced by the mentor. Sharing memories and leaning on a community of friends, family, and colleagues can offer comfort during this difficult time.
Celebrate Their Legacy
Honor your mentor's memory by celebrating their impact on your life and the lives of others. Organize a memorial event or participate in activities aligned with their values to keep their spirit alive.
Continue Their Work
If your mentor was involved in specific projects or causes, consider carrying their work forward in their memory. This not only honors their legacy but also allows you to perpetuate the valuable lessons they imparted.
Reflect on Shared Wisdom
Revisit the advice and wisdom your mentor shared. Applying their guidance in your personal and professional life can be a powerful way to perpetuate their influence and keep their memory alive.
Seek New Mentors
While mentors can be irreplaceable, seek guidance from individuals who align with your mentor's values. Building new mentorship relationships ensures continued support for your personal and professional growth. Consider also creating a mentoring team.
Preserve Their Work
Make an effort to preserve any tangible contributions your mentor left behind, such as written works or recordings. This could include publishing their writings, creating an archive, or establishing a scholarship in their name.
Dr. Bartell's insights emphasize the nuanced nature of grief after losing a mentor. Recognizing parallels with parental mourning processes and understanding the unique dimensions introduced by the specificity of mentorship can guide individuals throughr bereavement with heightened insight and self-compassion.
“Now,” shares Dr. Dzirasa, “the moments are filled with mixed feelings. I used to go by his (mentor’s) office every time something amazing happened. Now, in those moments, I’m just reminded that he isn’t there. Then I’m filled with gratitude for all of the time he spent guiding me, and I smile knowing how proud he would be.”
Coping with the death of a mentor is a complex and individual process. Patience, reflection, and a commitment to honoring their legacy can help in navigating this challenging time, ensuring that the positive influence of your mentor lives on.
