How to Heal From Destructive Narcissistic Parents

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Note: This is the second in a two-part series on gaining freedom from a destructive narcissistic childhood. The first part covered five essential tasks of healing from a narcissistic upbringing. This post lists four additional tasks.

If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, letting go of the legacy of a narcissistic upbringing can be life-altering.

By “narcissist,” I mean individuals who meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder or who display numerous narcissistic personality traits.

In my clinical work with hundreds of people raised by narcissistic parents, I have found several key elements in healing. Focusing on these elements can be freeing no matter what your age, and whether or not a narcissistic parent is still in your life.

Let go of a victim posture

If you had a narcissistic parent, did you frequently feel one-down, lacking hope, or small in stature? Such feelings are common for children in narcissistic family systems.

Many narcissistic parents seek to diminish their children's sense of self because it leaves their children easier to control and more likely to focus on the parent's needs rather than their own.

Feeling victimized can be paralyzing, and those feelings can persist well into adulthood.

Think about a current or recent situation when you began to feel small, one-down, or trapped. Such feelings may signal that you were regressing to a familiar role from childhood.

In that state, you may feel that the only options available to you are those of a small child: appease, submit, throw a tantrum, or run away.

As compelling as those feelings can be, you are not little or powerless. Difficult, intimidating, or intrusive people you encounter as an adult are not your parents. They don't own you and they have no right to control you.

As an adult, you have a broad range of healthy responses to recover yourself when you start to feel small or like a victim, and you have resources and wisdom that you could not possibly access as a child.

Recognize when your narcissistic parent's influence surfaces through your inner critic

Have you ever stopped to listen to your critical inner dialogue?

For example, if you feel anxious or hesitant about applying for a new job opportunity or meeting someone new, your inner critic may label your anxiety and hesitation as weak.

If you then go ahead and take the risk but fail, the same inner critic that shamed you for hesitating will label you as stupid for trying.

Inner critics are formed in childhood to protect us from harm and perceived danger. Because of that origin, inner critics carry young children’s perspectives: black-and-white or magical thinking, often full of catastrophizing. The messages of inner critics are often self-contradictory and shaming.

Inner critics don’t treat us as people. They ridicule and sow doubt while acting as if they are beyond question.

Sound familiar? It might, because inner critics can sound strikingly like narcissistic parents.

Observing and dialoguing with your inner critics can be good practice for dealing with narcissists — and vice versa. Therapeutic practices such as Internal Family Systems or Voice Dialogue can help you facilitate such a dialogue.

It’s about you, not them

Narcissists focus on what you do, especially what you do for them. They pay little attention to who you are. If you forget who you are around a narcissist, your journey will be rocky.

When you begin the work of healing from a narcissistic parent, it may initially feel compelling to focus on the narcissist, recount what happened, and try to make sense of your parent's campaign of diminishment. This is an important part of healing.

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But as your healing deepens, it is important to focus beyond the narcissist and onto yourself. Focusing primarily on the narcissist perpetuates what the narcissist trained you to do: Pay attention to them at your own expense.

To free yourself from a narcissist, stop playing their game. Step out of the fantasy world the narcissist creates. Dwell in your world.

One of the greatest sources of suffering is when we haven’t correctly identified the deepest source of our pain.

In my experience, even though narcissistic parents can do great damage to their children, the deepest source of suffering can be when we perpetuate their damage by neglecting our relationship with ourselves.

By remembering who you are and treating yourself in healthy ways that your parents neglected to do, you can leave a destructive family legacy behind.

Recognize that freedom can come with a price

Regaining your power from a narcissistic parent can bring both benefits and losses. You may need to let go of a potential inheritance or other material goods. You may forfeit hoped-for opportunities. You may lose an active relationship, either actual or idealized, with a parent or additional family members.

These losses can bring many emotions. In moving away from the powerful, cult-like system that constellates around narcissism, you may feel anger — both at what a narcissist did to you, but also at how you neglected yourself.

By allowing yourself to feel all your difficult feelings and grieve the losses, you reconnect with yourself.

As you leave a narcissist’s orbit, opportunities unfold. You can hold your inner critic with compassion rather than fight it off. You can recognize and sidestep self-sabotaging behavior. You can gain optimism and hope.

By becoming a dependable guardian of your well-being who does not need the fantasy of a larger-than-life protector, you build trust in yourself.

You become more discerning of who is trustworthy and who is not. You keep those who would use or abuse you at arm's length.

You open the door to an adulthood of healthy connections, both with others and yourself, and you settle for nothing less.