Verified by 
Relationships
BPD and Transactional Relationships
Why people with BPD often don't feel safe and secure in their relationships.
Updated June 12, 2023 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- Individuals with symptoms of BPD crave safety and security in relationships, but rarely attain it.
- Instability of mood and self-perception can prevent the consistent behavior needed for stability and security.
- Tools are offered that can help minimize the instability of relationships affected by BPD.
Safety and security are qualities that we all seek in relationships. Creating these relationships requires stability, or consistency, in the way individuals respond to each other.
Individuals with symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD) often experience a fear of abandonment that makes safety and security a primary pursuit. Yet most of these individuals also experience instability in their self-perception, mood, and behavior that makes it particularly challenging, if not impossible, to relate to others consistently enough to cultivate the experience of safety and security.
Transactional vs. Contextual Relationships
Transactional relationships are defined by the current situation. They do not develop patterns, because the behaviors are not consistent enough to develop them.
Individuals with symptoms of BPD often have unstable moods. How they treat others is more dependent on their current mood than on what is happening with others. When they are in a good mood, they can be kind, respectful, and forgiving. When they are in a bad mood, they may be harsh and treat others badly.
If you are in a relationship with someone who suffers from symptoms of BPD, you may feel like you never know what to expect when you see them. Will the friendly persona show up—or will the nasty version be waiting?
This makes it hard to prepare, which is associated with anxiety, and in some cases fear, of being with the person. Trust does not develop. These relationships are driven by mood and recent events and are therefore unstable. This is illustrated in the following telephone dialogue* between Fay and her daughter Lea, who has symptoms of BPD.
Fay: Lea, where are you?
Lea: I'm on my way home.
Fay: I'm at the mall. Didn’t we agree to meet here after work?
Lea: I was just there. I waited and waited and you didn’t show up.
Fay: Sorry, I was 15 minutes late. I ran into traffic.
Lea: I felt so stupid standing there alone waiting for you, so I went home.
Fay: Wait, did you think I would just leave you there and not show up?
Lea: Whatever. I had a bad day.
Fay: You know that I've never stood you up and I'm almost never late. There was a bad accident on the road.
Lea: Whatever.
Fay: Why don’t we meet now? I'll wait for you.
Lea: No. I'm too tired.
Even though Lea’s mother has been very reliable and supportive, Lea was in a bad mood and she was disappointed, so the history had no impact. Lea did not like what had just occurred, so she pushed her mother away. This keeps the relationship unstable even though Fay’s behavior is consistent.
Secure relationships are the product of a pattern of interactions over time where both participants perceive the other to be available, reliable, and consistently in support of the other. As these patterns become consistent and durable, participants experience increasing ease and comfort in the relationship. They come to trust each other and the relationship.
These relationships are contextual relationships, as they are defined by stable patterns of behavior that have shown themselves to be reliable over time. Because they have context, or history, they are less affected by mood on any given day or current circumstances. Errors or disappointments do not derail a solid trusting relationship, rather they are seen as aberrations and are ignored.
Had the relationship between Fay and Lea been secure, the above dialogue likely would not have occurred. Lea would have waited knowing that her mother would never leave her standing at the mall. Fay would have apologized for being late and the two of them would have enjoyed a nice experience together.
What You Can Do
If you choose to have an intimate relationship with someone with symptoms of BPD, then you will do well to have strategies for coping with the instability. It will help you to have realistic expectations. You will not be able to make the relationship stable on your own. You will likely need to learn how to protect yourself from disappointment, exploitation, and other hurtful behaviors, as well as learn how to not contribute to the instability, thereby minimizing it. You may not be able to feel secure or experience trust.
- Continue to be consistent and reliable, even though this might not be reciprocated.
- Offering boundaries consisting of clear expectations of consistent behaviors and enforcing them increases the stability of the relationship by providing support through structure. Because of the unstable nature of the transactional approach to relationships, boundaries need to be frequently reinforced. For example, when Rod went to his friend Brian’s house, he lit up a cigarette. Brian told him that his apartment was smoke-free and asked him to put out the cigarette. Rod did comply, but the next time Rod came over he lit up again and had to be told to put it out. A week later, he lit up in Brian’s car and had to be told to abstain. Brian’s maintenance of the boundary forces Rod to behave more consistently: to not smoke in Brian’s home or car.
- Avoid being defensive or argumentative. If you are being treated disrespectfully or hurtfully, set a boundary and enforce it. State that you will not be treated poorly and that if it persists, you will disengage. How you disengage will depend on the circumstances. In some situations, you might walk away; in other situations, you might simply refuse to respond.
- Whenever possible, offer reassurance to address the fear of abandonment. For example, Fay could have called or texted Lea that she was in traffic and will be a few minutes late.
Individuals with symptoms of BPD can increase the stability of their relationships by recognizing that their thinking and behavior are often driven more by their mood than by the circumstances of a relationship. Learning how to differentiate mood-driven perspectives from reasonable reactions to the behavior of others will help stabilize behavior toward others and increase security.
*Examples are constructed from aspects of different transactions involving different individuals.
