Resolution, Resistance, Resolution

"I'm going to lose 10 lbs. and go to the gym 3-4 times a week."

"I'm not going to sweat the small stuff".

"I'm going to start looking for a new job or new relationship."

February is here, and it's a little over a month since we've made our New Year resolutions. How many of us have started and kept to the promises we made to ourselves? How many of us have started, and then slacked off, making various excuses about why we couldn't do the thing we set as our goal? Too busy, too hard, unexpected things getting in the way-there are hundreds of stories we can tell ourselves. But what is the real reason?

Resistance- plain and simple! Freud first defined the concept of resistance to be the unconscious struggling to keep painful memories unknown by repression and other defense mechanisms. Merriman Webster dictionary defines the term resist as "to exert force in opposition", and "to exert oneself as to counteract or defeat". So why would we want to defeat ourselves and not be happier, healthier individuals?

It's important to recognize that all change is loss - even positive change. We are giving up "the known", even if at times it doesn't feel good. Leaving familiar territory can be uncomfortable, sometimes sad, and somewhat scary. At the same time it can be exhilarating, offering new possibilities. Sometimes what may stop us is fear, not being sure of whatever might lie ahead, or possible secondary gains from "staying stuck"- ex. "If I'm too heavy, I don't have to date and face rejection or intimacy."

So if you find yourself "stuck", here's a plan to help you get moving to reach your goals. First, honestly examine the real reason(s) you aren't doing what you said you would. When that inner voice comes back with the same old tired responses, dig a little deeper and ask yourself, "No really, what is stopping me?" Let your unconscious take you where you need to go. See what associations come to mind as you keep questioning yourself. "What am I afraid of?"

Picture yourself achieving the goal. What does it feel like? What does your life look like with new goal in place? Any negative associations come to mind? How come? Fears of success, others' jealousy, change in relationships or status quo? Sometimes your associations initially might not make sense, but if you let yourself keep digging, eventually a picture or theme will emerge. Allow yourself to be curious, rather than judgmental of what comes to mind.

In former PT blogs I wrote- Trusting Your Gut... and Honesty Hangover, I discussed the concept of tuning into your feelings, deepest fears and insecurities, and acknowledging to yourself what is true, even if sometimes what you learn makes you temporarily uncomfortable. Do that here, and then develop an action plan to deal with whatever resistances or fears come up for you. I've had several patients express the fear of their own grandiosity if they become more successful, and the negative impact that would have on significant relationships. Conscious awareness of what you feel and are afraid of, will help you devise the most effective plan to deal with all these issues.

People often find it helpful to keep a journal and write down goals, breaking them down into specific, tangible tasks, anticipating potential resistances and then coming up with an action plan. As you continue to work on your goals, jot down how you are feeling each day. Is there a pattern to when you are doing better or worse, different things that have occurred during the course of that day - ex. fight with a spouse, anxiety about a work issue? Times when you've gotten off track, had a setback? Identify the problem, then the solution.

Resolving internal resistances, then external ones, can make your resolutions become reality. And if you haven't gotten there yet, know that you can and remember the key word is yet!