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Body Image
What Should You Do When Your Lover Body-Shames You?
Subtle and not-so-subtle ways it happens, and relationship red flags.
Posted May 24, 2023 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Key points
- Weight and body comments are often body or fat shaming, but not always.
- A person can receive body shaming at any weight or shape.
- Motivations behind your lover's comments about your body could include control, concern, and affection.
There you are, in a vulnerable, intimate moment with your partner. Or maybe you’re just hanging out and feeling good in their company. Suddenly, they insinuate that you’re fat or need to change your body.
It certainly happens often enough: A friend shared subtle examples of body-shaming she has experienced, such as romantic partners who admire bodies "over and over who have what you don't—which could be a flat belly, big boobs, or anything." Recently, someone I know shared that they were referred to as “fat” by their lover.
In my early 30s, I had my own experience with a romantic partner who said they preferred me “really thin.” Though I recognized it was a mean thing to say, especially given that they knew I had an eating disorder at the time, it still got under my skin, amplifying insecurities. This happened with my friend above, too. She shared that a lover “bluntly said I needed to lose some weight to be really sexy. I was 28. Yes, I went on a diet.”
In the moment or later, you may realize that the comment was uncomfortable or harmful to you. What do you do with that uninvited feedback?
When your lover comments on your body
First and foremost, it will benefit you to suss out the intention behind shape or weight comments. If you have the kind of relationship where you can ask for clarification, consider asking: “When I heard you say (state the exact quote), I interpreted it as (share how). Is that what you meant?” Their reaction and explanation will say a lot about their intentions.
If you feel you cannot ask your romantic partner about the intentions behind their comment, why is that? That, unto itself, might be a red flag. Communication is vital to successful relationships.
Moving forward, I’ll start with what I’ve witnessed as the most common experiences and likely intentions and end with the least common.
Intention: Controlling
Sadly, this body comment could be meant to push you down, keep you off-center, or control you. They may not realize that’s what they’re trying to do to you. Yet body-shaming and fat-shaming are excellent ways to keep romantic partners from their power. Research shows fat shaming links to low self-esteem, poor metabolic health, increased weight gain, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and exercise avoidance.
Granted, fighting the urge to appease the partner's request is not always easy. Depending on your filter, history, and temperament, both criticism and control can feel engaging, like care. Peg Streep, the author of Verbal Abuse, explains how body-shaming can be part of a controlling or even abusive relationship.
Like other forms of verbal abuse, body-shaming can be overt (comparing you to a beached whale) or covert (telling you that “you’re brave” to wear something or show off your body.) All body-shaming is meant to put in you in your place and to make you feel lousy about yourself and maybe even grateful that your significant other is willing to put up with someone “so deficient.” Don’t kid yourself: Body-shaming is abuse.
Also, if your person downs your body or makes you feel like you need to please them through your body, then that’s likely a waving scarlet red flag.
Intention: “Concern”
Body comments from lovers may be from a place of concern—or disguised as a concern—about your health, for example. (I get it that propaganda pushes weight as what signifies health. But it’s destructive to make assumptions about what a person’s weight means.) Your partner may believe they’re being thoughtful or righteous about your best interest.
Most of us, however, are aware of our bodies, and many are insecure about them already. Pressure about size, weight, and health is nearly impossible not to absorb in society. And most of us dress ourselves and look at our reflections daily. We tend to be self-aware about our body’s shape, weight, changes in either, and weight-related “health” recommendations. The “concern” approach is usually not news and not helpful.
Maybe set a boundary that neither partner comments on the other’s body. You may want to explain why. If your partner keeps commenting? That’s not a good sign.
Intention: Neutral and oopsie
Sometimes lovers remark on their partner's body without meaning to criticize. They may blurt out something (for example, an observation like weight changes) without first thinking about how it could hit you. If the body comment hurts you but you want to give your lover a chance to repair the hurt, try sharing that it felt bad to you. The ensuing conversation may deepen understanding of each other and what feels supportive or respectful in the relationship.
Please note that with the rise of body positivity, fat acceptance, and weight-neutral approaches in mainstream culture, the term "fat" and related comments are sometimes used purely descriptively. That means dictionary definitions. For example, plump, thick, or impressive modifiers (for example, a fat person, bank account, sound) or referring to matter or tissue.
See how none of those pair up well with fat being derogatory? Probably to the chagrin of diet companies, it’s possible to have fat and be fat without either being a flaw to fix. Is it feasible your lover leans towards the dictionary meanings and loves every inch of you?
Intention: Term of affection
In my twenties, I worked in a restaurant owned and operated by Latinx folks. My bosses and fellow staff called me “Gordita” instead of my name. They called their female lovers and friends Gordita, too.
I could feel the affection behind it. But with the little Spanish I spoke, I was pretty sure it meant pig. That confused me, so I asked about it. They explained the translation as "chubby," "precious little pig," or "precious fat one," and a term of endearment.
Talk about cognitive dissonance! Back then, I had many unrealized biases about thin and fat. I experienced a metaphorical hug and a shame slap with every "Gordita."
It’s decades later, and I’ve done significant work on understanding and unpacking thin privilege, fatism, healthism, and other biases related to size and weight. Nowadays, I’d feel only the hug behind “Gordita.” Another thing you can do to help deal with body and weight comments is to work on your biases.
Bottom line
Anyone of any size can get body-shamed. It’s not necessarily the words said. It’s the intention. Gaining a sense of that motivation will inform you about your relationship’s wellness.
If you’re experiencing possible body-shaming from a lover (or anyone), a therapist trained in weight-neutral eating and body image issues may prove helpful. They should be able to support you in dealing with the weight- and shape-related comments from your lover.
This blog is for informational purposes and does not provide therapy or professional advice.
References
Schlüter, C., Kraag, G. & Schmidt, J. (2023). Body shaming: an exploratory study on its definition and classification. International Journal of Bullying Prevention 5, 26–37 (2023).
Vogel L. (2019). Fat shaming is making people sicker and heavier. CMAJ : Canadian Medical Association journal = Journal de l'Association medicale canadienne, 191(23), E649.
Walker, S. (2016, February 6). Yes, I’m fat. It’s OK. I said it. The New York Times.
Zacher, H., von Hippel, C. (2022). Weight-based stereotype threat in the workplace: consequences for employees with overweight or obesity. International Journal of Obesity, 46, 767–773.
