4 Reasons Why We Don't Think Self-Care Will Work

Has your therapist ever recommended a coping skill so frustratingly simple it seemed like it could never work? They say: eat balanced meals, get enough sleep, drink your water, take a shower!

You described your crippling sense of impending doom, and they suggested you go take a walk. Perhaps you expected that only innovative, cutting-edge coping skills could make a dent in your crippling anxiety or crushing depression. So how could taking a daily walk possibly help?

And perhaps you begrudgingly attempted their suggestion only to find that it actually worked! You ate a snack, you took a nap, and you felt better. You would think that this revelation would be a relief. What an incredibly simple way to help yourself!

More effective coping skills should be good news, right? But counterintuitively, many people find themselves unsettled and disappointed that basic self-care improves their mental health. This is a puzzling emotional turn.

You think: “Don’t I want to feel better? Isn’t that my goal? Why would I be frustrated to find that drinking fluids does, in fact, make my life feel more manageable?”

Here are four reasons why you might be feeling resistant.

It Just Seems Too Simple

Mental illness is a massive part of your life. It is a huge, overwhelming presence. Wouldn’t it make sense that the solution should be equally profound? And what does it mean about your mental illness that it was so easy to improve your symptoms?

Perhaps the fact that simple self-care can improve your mood feels like a minimization of your suffering. After all, could your depression really have been so bad if a warm bowl of soup helped?

Let me say this now: just because something small helped doesn’t mean you exaggerated your feelings. It was just as awful as you remembered. And the good news is, you now know how to make yourself feel 10 percent better. Here’s a reminder that all of these things can be true: you have been suffering terribly, and small steps can help immensely.

It Triggers Self-Blame

Once you realize that a good night's sleep does, in fact, make you feel significantly better, you might start to feel a bit foolish. You might think: “Is this what I was supposed to be doing all along? Was it always this easy to feel better?” This could trigger feelings of shame and self-blame. You may feel silly for not trying simple measures before. Worse, you may feel that you failed at managing your mental health appropriately.

But remember: you may not have had the energy in the past to even try taking simple steps. Also, you didn’t know it would work! Now that you do, you have the capability and knowledge to make small improvements to your day. Let this knowledge be empowering rather than shaming.

The Responsibility Is Overwhelming

So now you know that eating, hydrating, and showering make you feel better. And now you have to do…all of this…every single day? The pressure to perform those tasks, over and over, could seem daunting to someone who has mental illness. Mustering your diminished energy to execute a list of care tasks can feel overwhelming. Plus, after struggling for so long, you may not trust your ability to keep it up.

You can only do what is within your capabilities. Some days, you may not have the emotional energy to make yourself a nutritious meal, even though you know it would help. My suggestion is to plan for those days, let them be part of your process, and enlist help from your support system, if possible. Perhaps it’s not within your capabilities to feed yourself, but a friend might be willing to bring you takeout. It could be healing to let your support system take small steps to assist you in your recovery.

You Fear How Others Will Perceive Your Recovery

Even though you feel 10% better, you have a long way to go in your recovery. You’re not hungry or thirsty or smelly anymore, but you still have issues to work through. So you might worry, deep down, how your new self-care will look from the outside. If people see you caring for yourself competently, will they assume you are no longer sick? Will they raise their expectations for your capabilities based on your behavior?

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You may fear that if you stop looking like the societal picture of a Depressed Person, your loved ones will withdraw their support. You may feel pressured to behave like a person who is recovered before you are ready. After all, you’re still struggling; you’re just feeling a bit better while you do it.

Go at Your Own Pace

Remember – recovery from mental illness isn’t all or nothing. Instead of expecting yourself to go from “totally debilitated” to “fully functional” overnight, get comfortable in the gray area. Let yourself inhabit the in-between spaces with frustratingly small coping skills.

Healing isn’t a one-time act. It’s a slow accumulation of small steps over a period of time. It’s okay to communicate this to the people in your life, so they know what to expect from you. Remember to be kind to yourself and celebrate the tiny improvements. They may be more impactful than you expect.