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Key points
- Happiness may be an unattainable short-term goal when the external world is too chaotic.
- Pleasure, freedom, relief, satisfaction, and coziness can provide temporary solace.
- Mindfully observing and amplifying positive mini-emotions can make suffering more bearable.
“I just want to be happy.”
Therapists, parents, and partners know this familiar refrain.
Happiness has become a central life task in Western society. Our relationships, careers, and daily activities are meant to be aimed at the target of happiness. But in a year when we’ve been constantly assailed by crisis, death, and disaster, is happiness even attainable?
Happiness is defined as “the state of enjoyment.” Enjoyment: in a pandemic? In a civil uprising? On a planet that is quite literally on fire? It seems to me that happiness is a flimsy basket in which to put all our eggs.
Every day, we hear that rates of depression and anxiety are on the rise. The lack of happiness in our lives can lead to shame and self-criticism, as if happiness eludes us because we have made all the wrong life choices.
But perhaps the emotional disorder we are experiencing is perfectly natural. Perhaps it is the correct response to witnessing suffering. Perhaps we are perfectly right to not be happy. Perhaps the absence of happiness affirms our humanity and our compassion for others.
Nevertheless, because I am in the business of helping make pain more tolerable, I would like to propose five alternatives to happiness. These five emotions are more quickly attainable and more concrete than the vague goal of "happiness down the road." Try practicing bringing awareness, and even purposely generating, these emotions in your daily life.
Pleasure
Nurture your mind by nurturing your body. There are plenty of opportunities for discomfort in this life. Exhaustion, pain, and numbness have overtaken our physical bodies in response to collective trauma. We are constantly reminded how fallible and vulnerable our physical bodies are.
Sometimes it’s useful to remind yourself why it’s lovely to have a body too.
A hot bowl of chicken soup on a blustery day. A warm brownie straight out of the oven. Jumping into a frigid pool on a sweltering day. Being held in your beloved’s arms.
We humans are not just floating brains with thoughts and ideas. We can taste, smell, and feel our lives. We can eat a sizzling plate of french fries. We can hug our loved ones. We can have our neck rubbed in that place it always aches. Our bodies are susceptible to illness and pain, yes, but they’re also instruments for pleasure. Affection, food, warmth – these are our most basic drives. Let yourself enjoy, just for a few moments, the simple pleasure of being flesh and blood.
Freedom
Create freedom inside your own home. Schedule one day, or even a few hours, where you are obligated to do nothing and speak to no one. Take a long drive listening to music, with no particular destination in mind. Or, go for a long, meandering walk with no pressing need to get home.
Despite our isolation, many of us find ourselves overwhelmed. Even though we have nowhere to go, we feel overscheduled and underproductive. It can be therapeutic to give ourselves a rest from the adrenaline-fueled expectations of everyday life. Emotionally and physically, our tanks are bone dry. The kindest thing we can do is to free ourselves of our own judgments and expectations – to give ourselves some time to just be.
Relief
You know that feeling when someone cancels a dreaded meeting at the last minute? Or your power bill is $100 less than you expected it to be? Or you almost get in a fender bender but swerve away at the last second?
Usually, we experience relief in the aftermath of fear and anxiety. But relief is an immensely useful everyday emotion. It is a precursor of gratitude. Relief is the feeling that says, “the horrible thing could have happened, but it didn’t.”
We’re living in a world where know, acutely, that the horrible thing could happen at any moment. There is power in celebrating every disaster-free moment. Sometimes the best we can hope for is acknowledging and naming, “I’m so relieved and grateful that nothing bad happened today.”
This is a bit of a reverse-anxiety exercise. Many of us know what it is like to lay in bed at night, imagining the worrying events that might take place tomorrow. Instead, try reflecting on the previous day, and naming the bad things that didn’t happen.
The car didn’t break down. I didn’t snap at my children. No one got sick. I had enough money for housing and food. I did not lose my job. In this way, we draw attention to the fact that every inconvenience-free day is a bit of a miracle. Relief is worthy of our attention.
Satisfaction
It’s no secret that attention spans are sharply on the decline. Lack of productivity, in a culture obsessed with consumption, can lead to a tornado of self-criticism. We think that if we can just try hard enough, we can make ourselves feel proud of all we have accomplished.
Instead, can we have a bit of compassion for our tired, overworked brains? Can we drastically lower the bar for the acceptable amount of activity per diem? Instead of berating yourself for all the things you weren’t able to get done, try to remind yourself that you did your best. And perhaps, bring your attention to all the thing you were able to accomplish.
Let’s start deriving satisfaction from the completion of basic life tasks. Getting out of bed even though you didn’t feel like it. Cooking a meal with a vegetable. Remembering to text your friend back. Paying the taxes, wow, look at you!
When we blanket ourselves in self-compassion, we may find that we’re doing quite well, all things considered. Try being satisfied by the act of simply being a reasonably functioning human.
Coziness
Our nervous systems are wired to be soothed by coziness. At one point, we were all infants, and were put to sleep with full bellies, rocked against the body of a soft, warm adult. Consider that now, we are all just grown-up babies. Sometimes we need to be swaddled too.
Coziness isn’t an emotion, exactly, but it lives at the intersection of comfort and warmth. Being fresh out of the shower, wrapped in soft pajamas, snuggled under a feather comforter – sometimes this is the most solace we can find in a scary world. And more than ever, we need this respite from the chaos to let our nervous systems rest.
Often, we have no idea what would make us happy. But most people know how to make themselves physically comfortable. This feeling of softness and safety is worth investing in. On days when we can’t make ourselves feel glad or optimistic or hopeful, we can at least make ourselves feel cozy.
