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Too fast or too slow (or not at all!) Premature ejaculation for men and anorgasmia (no orgasm) for women are the two most common sexual problems that plague a couple’s sexual experience. Anxiety is the root cause of both problems - the majority of the time. Ironically trying to do exactly what the problem is turns anxiety around slowing him down and speeding her up.
Premature ejaculation - Come fast! A therapeutic intervention that works for many of my clients is the instructive to try to orgasm as fast as possible, to go for broke!
- Men ejaculate for two reasons – erotic stimulation and anxiety. When a man worries that he will climax too quickly, he probably will. His fear lowers the body’s threshold for excitement. Trying to achieve orgasm quickly, ironically, stops him from guarding against orgasm happening too fast. He relaxes and voila – climaxes more slowly.
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Reframe premature ejaculation by striving to come fast and sourcing her sexiness.Source: meg380/iStockReframe the issue – make it a positive. Tell her she is so sexy you are about to burst and will probably not make it past taking her clothes off. Tell her she’s such vixon, you can’t contain yourself! Come once, do her, and come again!
- Most women don’t climax with intercourse – men fear disappointing their lovers and become even more anxious. But as it turns out, the disappointment is in his disconnect over his humiliation. While you might think that too fast orgasms and not-at-all orgasms are deeply connected problems, they aren’t really. She can still climax with manual and oral stimulation (which incidentally may turn him on again) but he is apologizing and rolling over with shame. Stay connected and stimulate her saying how much you love and enjoy her body. She may be thrilled with this plan – she gets hers and gets more sex because he’s not avoiding it due to performance anxiety.
- Come fast first – by yourself. If you masturbate a bit earlier before love-making, your staying power will likely lengthen.
- Progressive stimulation exercises work! – Reduce anxiety further by knowing there is a simple solution if this is a long-term pattern. Let’s say your partner does climax with intercourse, simply enjoys longer intercourse, or you both want to last longer – no problem. Premature ejaculation is one of the easiest fixes for sex therapy. Many, many couples suffer when less than 6 sessions might cure the whole problem. In short – a man needs to be stimulated shy of where he can’t control the inevitable rise of excitement to orgasm. Alone in the privacy of their own bedroom, the couples instructions start with manual stimulation, proceeding through oral stimulation, through to vaginal containment, then to thrusting, over the course of a few months. Stage by stage, if the point of inevitability is an 8, then a man stops the stimulation by indicating that he is at a 6. He rests. They start again.
Lack of orgasm - Don’t come – most of the time, a woman’s lack of orgasm is situational due to her inability to relax and inadequate stimulation. She mostly compares herself to the male pattern of easy arousal and easy orgasm and decides that she’s “taking too long.” (Or worse – her male partner thinks the same thing!) Psychologically, telling her to take longer or to not climax (yet) refocuses her on what sensations she is feeling rather than on what she is not yet feeling.
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Lack of orgasm for women can be resolved through relaxation and confidence of plenty of stimulation.Source: keeweeboy/iStockWomen need the 20/20 solution – women compare themselves mostly to men whose arousal is complete in seconds and who can climax in a relatively short number of minutes. But if women compared themselves to what other women need and if their male partners understood this need, women could relax. Most women need about 20 minutes of general whole body arousal followed by at least 20 minutes of direct genital stimulation.
- Instruct her not to come – her mind is wandering somewhere above the bed, watching and waiting for the magical moment when she realizes it is her night. Telling her ‘not to come’, introducing an element of control that is about “letting” her climax rather than her “making” herself get there – changes everything.
- Most women don’t climax with intercourse – again, I repeat this to take the pressure off the male penis and to say to women – you are not dysfunctional if you don’t climax this way. It’s normal not to. The woman’s sexual nerve center is her clitoris not her vagina.
- By yourself – learn to climax by yourself in different positions trying to last as long as possible before climaxing. Many women learn to climax in childhood through self-stimulation in only one position (often on their stomachs) and have difficulty transitioning to partner sex that requires lots of variety.
- Slow down – women patients tell me that their husbands/partners often speed up stimulation once they sense the woman is not getting there. For her, slowing down stimulations allows her to feel without a hurry. Rushing her, causes anxiety to countermand arousal.
- Primary anorgasmia can easily be overcome– helping a woman who has never reached orgasm, is the other simplest sex therapy fix. Without consistent orgasms a woman won’t have libido. This is so elementary, it always surprises me when one or both partners assumes that sexual desire would continue when only one partner reaches climax sometimes for years on end. Many women become orgasmic in 1-3 sessions of sexual instruction with the use manual stimulation, vibrators or masturbation.
