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Allow me to share a pet peeve of mine: I’m on the phone with someone who really wants to end the call. During an inevitable pause in the conversation, the person says, “Sorry, but I’m gonna have to let you go.”
Huh? You have to let me go? Really? Does someone have a gun to your head? Are you having a stroke? Are aliens from outer space descending on you? Why exactly do you have to let me go? Are you seriously suggesting that you don’t have any choice in the matter?
Granted, this pet peeve seems pretty minor in the scheme of things. We all know that saying “I’m gonna have to let you go” is merely a polite and socially acceptable way of gently guiding a social interaction to a suitable conclusion. However, the fact that the phrase implies an external mandate vividly exemplifies the existential concept of bad faith. You’d like to keep talking to me, but — due to circumstances beyond your control — you simply can’t!
What is bad faith? According to existential philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre (in his seminal work, Being and Nothingness), bad faith occurs when people deny responsibility for their choices. To Sartre and his fellow existentialists, people have free will. They make choices about what to do and how to live their lives. Because people are free, they are responsible for their decisions. Who they become isn’t set in stone. It’s a product of the choices they make, hence the existential idea of “existence over essence.” Rather than having pre-formed essential selves, people are defined by their freely chosen actions.
At first glance, people usually like the existential emphasis on freedom. After all, Western democracies romanticize freedom as a core value. In the United States, we boast about being the “land of the free and home of the brave.” We like to think we’re all about freedom. The worship of freedom infuses our entire culture — to the extent that we believe that freedom is not only morally desirable, but downright enjoyable. As they used to sing in the now defunct “World of Motion” attraction at Epcot Center, “It’s Fun To Be Free.” That's right. Freedom is da bomb.
But, to an existential way of thinking, our freedom fetish is more aspirational than real. People say they love freedom, but they really don’t. For instance, college students at my university complain mightily about all the required classes. However, as soon as they fulfill their requirements and have to choose electives, most of them find the myriad of options overwhelming and ask me what they should take. When I tell them, “That’s up to you,” they are (unsurprisingly) less than happy with me. Better I should tell them what to do than that they should have to make a difficult choice. Freedom and choice aren't all they're cracked up to be.
As another example, clients in my private practice often ask me quite directly what they ought to do: Change jobs? Go back to school? Get a divorce? Cut back on drinking? Move to Australia? When they realize I don’t know the answer, and the choice is theirs, many of them get upset. “This would be so much easier if you’d just tell me what to do,” they regularly lament. And they’re right. I totally agree with them. Freedom stinks. It’s hard. Fun to be free? Hell, no! Condemned to be free is more like it, as Sartre himself made clear.
It only exacerbates matters that refusing to choose is itself a choice. When we pretend we don’t have the freedom to choose, we still do. Even if someone has a gun to your head and says, “Get off the phone, or I’ll blow your brains out,” you still have a choice in whether to "let me go" and hang up the phone. Not an especially desirable choice, but a choice nonetheless! According to the existentialists, we may not get a say about the circumstances we are thrown into in the world, but we inevitably must decide how to respond to those circumstances.
Existential bad faith occurs whenever we deny responsibility for our decision-making. We disavow our freedom, because taking responsibility for our choices is a burden. Sometimes the choices we avoid are big ones — like whether to get married, apply for a promotion, or pick up and move to Boise. But other times the choices we avoid are small ones — like whether to continue talking on the phone or not. So the next time you’re speaking by phone with someone and want to hang up, consider taking responsibility for your decision to end the call. Rather than saying, “I’m gonna have to let you go,” try saying, “I’m going to hang up, because [insert reason you are choosing to end the call here].” Not as easy as it sounds, but this just goes to show how good faith acceptance of our freedom is no cakewalk. To avoid responsibility for when to hang up, some of you might resort to skipping the call in favor of sending a text message instead. But this too will be a choice you're responsible for. Existentially speaking, there's really no way out when it comes to this freedom and responsibility stuff.
All of us retreat into bad faith much of the time, because simply put, taking responsibility for our actions is hard. Striving to accept ownership for our choices is an ongoing struggle we all face, one that existentialists believe is a central component of the human condition. Freedom may be important, but it ain’t easy.
Okay, this blog is coming to an end, so I'm gonna have to let you go . . . er, I'm choosing to stop writing now.
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