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Key points
- Being happy indefinitely is impossible because no emotion lasts forever.
- People may protect their suffering because their sense of identity is tied to it.
- A healthy way to work with emotions is to strategically observe one's range of emotions and link them to patterns of behavior.
Imagine your first therapy session and your therapist asks a version of, “What brings you here today?” A flurry of thoughts scatters through your mind, eventually landing on one aching hope: to be happier.
It seems like wanting to be happy is a reasonable desire and, frankly, one of the most common reasons I hear from clients who meet with me for their first session. But, what if I told you that again and again, I uncover that this claim, a desire for happiness, is not always a true statement? Rather, I witness clients becoming fiercely protective of their suffering, even as it deceptively steers them away from a path to freedom.
Why would sometime lie about wanting to be happy?
To uncover the motivation for holding tight to our suffering, we must begin to question how it serves us. On the days when you are feeling low, unmotivated, or too anxious to face the world around you, what behaviors do you notice? These moments of suffering are often a breeding ground for maladaptive coping mechanisms.
For some, unhealthy coping mechanisms may entail isolating or avoiding commitments. For others, it could include indulgence in substances or making careless decisions. Either way, our suffering often gives us permission to give up. And when we are in the midst of emotional turmoil, oh my, does giving up become incredibly appealing.
Suffering as a marker of identity
For some clients I’ve come across, the colors of their suffering have become a part of their identity, whether it’s the creative writer who leans into his depression as a source of inspiration or the enthusiastic social butterfly who clings to her anxiety as a trademark personality type.
Our presentation to the world is not random. It is motivated by fulfilling a need. That underlying need can be driven by many things; connection, variety, significance. If the writer loses his depression, will his writing still engage his audience? If the social butterfly loses the colors of anxiety, will people still like her?
“Happy” is an impossible goal
Human emotions are impermanent. Each day we will experience a wide range of feelings that can range from despair to hope, gratitude to grief, without any change to our physical environment. No human will feel happy and stay happy indefinitely.
Our emotions are layered and complicated. Any unexpected trigger, including an intrusive thought, can throw off our emotional state drastically. It’s a fair want to reduce suffering; it’s unreasonable to expect to be happy indefinitely. Why? Because it’s impossible. No emotion lasts forever.
Instead of wanting to be happy indefinitely, try this
As you embark on your very human healing journey, I invite you to begin by noticing the range of emotions you experience throughout the day. Write them down in a notebook, keep a log on your phone—anywhere is fine. In place of judgment, observe the changes with curiosity.
In addition to noticing the changes in your emotions, track one more thing. Note the circumstances surrounding the more pleasant emotions. For example, on the day you took a walk in the morning, maybe you felt more energized and motivated afterward. Or, an evening ritual that led to a full night’s rest contributed to you being more focused and attentive the next day.
Yes, there is a chance your presentation to the world may evolve as your suffering reduces. It’s likely that those around you will notice subtle changes. The good news is that your core identity is yours to keep. The clarity that forms in place of suffering will reveal new, healthier outlets to meet your needs. These healthier coping mechanisms that guide you out of the darkness will become a more appealing resource. It takes time, patience, and hope. These are reasonable asks, but happy forever? Let that one go.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
