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Key points
- Resentment is a common feeling that doesn't benefit anyone involved.
- When there is no room for forgiveness, people can get stuck in harmful conflict patterns in the present.
- Growth is required if individuals are to move on from their resentments.
There are moments in which life seems to ask too much from us. We can barely carry on with what we are doing; we look around, and we start nourishing angry feelings toward those who are making our life difficult or those who should help us instead of remaining idle. There are moments when we start nurturing resentment toward those who are close to us.
Usually, someone feels resentful towards others until the feeling is so strong that it streams out in a long speech, passive-aggressive behavior, or dismissive attitude.
Resentment is a peculiar feeling that often does not benefit any of the people involved. The receiver of resentment is not in a position to do anything to relieve their friend or loved one from the position of resentment, which often locates itself in the past, in a small fold of reality where we can rarely intervene.
Marriage and Other Loving Bonds
Unfortunately, resentment seems to spoil many forms of relationships, especially loving and enduring ones. It happens when misconduct in the past cannot be forgiven in the present. Both parties remain stuck in a timeless present where there is no chance for grace and forgiveness.
Hence, present interactions always lead back to the misdeed that occurred in the past, with no way to offer viable solutions for the present. The pain that both parties experience is so intense that the present life is caught in a sort of time machine where one person always feels guilty and the other is always hurt by something that cannot be changed in the present moment.
How to deal with it? I think it is useful to look at the philosophical wisdom of those who understood the structure of resentment and unveiled its basic mechanisms. I believe this understanding can lead us to a resentment-free life, or at least to be able to contain it within healthy boundaries when it arises.
Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, and Scheler
Kierkegaard looks at ressentiment as a societal phenomenon, something that occurs in a “reflective, passionless age” where individuals who rebel against conformism are used as scapegoats and objects of ridicule by the masses. So, resentment is a dynamic triggered by this interaction to maintain the status quo and, wherever possible, a certain sense of superiority. Even though applied on a societal level, what Kierkegaard says about resentment also rings true for individual relationships. Resentment, in fact, becomes the quicksand in which those involved cannot move. The party feeling resentful wants to keep some sort of dignity and superiority with respect to the person who hurt them, and the recipient of resentment becomes a scapegoat that helps to keep a status quo that is not beneficial to anyone. Both are unhappy while conforming to the old rules of their relationship.
According to Nietzsche, resentment comes from a lack of reactiveness at the moment in which the wound is inflicted. The more a person is active, strong-willed, and dynamic, the less place and time is left for contemplating reasons to feel resentful. Resentment arises because we don’t give ourselves space to react to something that felt hurtful and disrespectful in the past, and we want to make amends for it in the present.
Scheler, perhaps, is the one who gave us the clearest psychological answer to the problem of ressentiment. He considers ressentiment a problem that primarily involves the self in relation to values, and only in a secondary aspect does it involve a class conflict over resources, power, and the like. Our character, integrity, values, talents, education, etc., are the result of an intersection of individual capabilities with societal opportunities. Ressentiment is that feeling that pervades us when we cannot become who we are and participate in society as a whole. Ressentiment signals a blockage in our personal evolution. In this dynamic, according to Scheler, our ego creates an enemy to justify the blockage and removes it from our responsibility.
What does resentment say about those who experience it?
Following Scheler, resentment is telling us, “It’s time to grow up and move on!”
In fact, resentment seems to be a disruptive feeling that impacts our value system and prompts the ego to create an enemy to insulate itself from culpability.
Resentment builds around us a system of values that protects us from the truth. The truth, no matter how harsh it looks, is that it’s time for us to shake up our lives and have the courage to move forward.
To overcome resentment, a revolution needs to be set in motion so that we can achieve what we need for our growth. If we get stuck in resentment, nothing will ever change. Our value system will keep confirming that the other person wronged us and needs to pay for our present suffering. But no price will ever be sufficient to redeem the suffering we are experiencing.
We are suffering so much because our skin needs to change, and it takes plenty of courage and solitude (yes, to change so radically, we often need to embrace our hermit side for a bit) in order to find the new person who is waiting for us on the other side.
If we are the recipient of resentment from our loved ones, the best we can do is acknowledge their pain, feel compassion about their suffering, and try not to fall into the spiral of guilt that resentment can throw us into. Not feeling enough, not knowing how to regain the love of the other person, can consume the relationship and leave us with no return. If we try to do our best and trust the transformational skills of the people we love, we might encounter them on the other side without having to pay for that experience with too much trauma.
A famous example of the successful management of resentment was told in Michelle Obama’s book Becoming. In her biography, she tells the story of the marital crisis that she and Barack experienced after the birth of their two children. Before the arrival of their two children, they were going through an emotionally draining time because of the miscarriages they suffered. She ended up considering herself to be the main provider responsible for their daughters. She started resenting Barack’s management of time, lack of presence, and political career.
Things changed when they went to a good psychotherapist. As a neutral observer, the psychotherapist investigated the roots of her resentment and what they both needed to be happy. They planned to make sure that both could get what they felt was necessary for their happiness. Their present situation is the best example we can provide for successfully overcoming resentful feelings. Looking at the pictures in the book, we can see how successfully the ex-first lady managed to snap off a role that became too tight for her and wear a new skin in order to thrive.
What do we gain without resentment?
Dwelling too much on resentment is a time-consuming activity that impedes us from meeting our future selves. Having the courage to let go of resentment and retouch our system of values every now and then can help us use our time for actual change and growth.
So, if you can look at what you resent the most and try to give yourself what you think has been taken away from you, you can find your way out of this consuming feeling.
