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Relationships
2 Words to Instantly Improve Any Intimate Relationship
Elevating a relationship comes down to a simple yet powerful way of interacting.
Posted January 19, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Kindness in relationships does not last if it is not actively nourished.
- Toxic thoughts, communication breakdowns, unmet expectations, or external stressors deplete couples' kindness.
- From fostering trust to nurturing emotional intimacy, the benefits of kindness are profound and enduring.
No one can argue that "breathe oxygen" are two words vital to sustaining all life. Analogously, the two words "be kind" form the essential lifeblood of all harmonious and fulfilling intimate relationships. From fostering trust to nurturing emotional intimacy, the benefits of kindness are profound and enduring.
Perhaps some readers are rolling their eyes at hearing me say that something seemingly so simplistic as "being kind" is crucial to loving relationships. For those eye rollers, please consider the plethora of walking-wounded intimate partners out there who would have far less relationship friction if their couples' kindness meter were measured at a higher level.
Why Do Streams of Relationship Kindness Run Dry?
As I explain in my book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?, intimate partners tend to stop being kind to each other for various reasons. Based on my 33 years of counseling couples, the usual culprits are often rooted in toxic thoughts, communication breakdowns, unmet expectations, or external stressors. I have also repeatedly seen how familiarity can breed complacency over time, leading partners to neglect the small acts of kindness that were prevalent in the early stages of the relationship.
Emma and Stan's Story
One couple I work with, Emma and Stan, are representative of countless partners who assume their relationship kindness reservoir will never get depleted or run dry. Like so many, they have struggled with unresolved, kindness-eroding conflicts and often find themselves on the "bottle it up and implode later plan."
Emma and Stan's kindness supply got further drained by their differing priorities. Emma was much more career-driven. Stan shared a strong awareness of his existential dilemma of life passing him by. He pressured Emma to take frequent vacations. In a counseling session with Emma, Stan said, "Life's way too damn short."
Other couples I see struggle as well with external factors such as work pressures, financial difficulties, or health issues, which can amplify tension within a relationship, causing partners to inadvertently withdraw kindness as they navigate challenges.
Maintaining Kindness Takes Awareness
When their kindness well starts to run shallow, couples need to pay extra attention to understanding each other's perspectives. Consistently nurturing the emotional bond can help reignite kindness and sustain a positive relationship dynamic. Couples need to actively work on maintaining kindness by mindfully communicating cooperatively to express their needs.
Assuming kindness will remain in abundance without actively working on it is a huge problem for struggling couples. Yet the more couples make the effort to be kind to each other, the more they will continue to have a healthy and enduring connection.
Kindness can nourish relationships in many ways:
Kindness Fosters Trust. At the core of any successful relationship lies trust, and kindness serves as a potent catalyst in its cultivation. When partners consistently exhibit kindness towards each other, they create a safe and secure environment in which trust can flourish. Acts of kindness, big or small, build a reservoir of positive experiences that contribute to a sense of reliability and dependability in a relationship. Trust, once established, becomes the bedrock upon which deeper emotional connections can thrive.
Kindness Creates Positive Communication. Kindness is instrumental in fostering effective communication within a loving relationship. In times of disagreement or conflict, a kind and empathetic approach can transform a potential battleground into a platform for understanding and resolution. Choosing words and actions with care, and infusing them with kindness, allows partners to express their thoughts and feelings without causing unnecessary harm.
This empathetic communication not only resolves conflicts more efficiently but also strengthens the emotional bond between individuals. Stan and Emma felt the power of kindness helped them come together and work through their differing life balance struggles. Stan said to me in a session with Emma, "We read all these self-help books and have tried for years to discover what was missing between us. But, man, just realizing how much Emma and I have become closer by being kinder to each other blows me away. It's like our relationship got better overnight when we truly started being nicer to each other."
Kindness Reduces Stress. The act of being nice in a relationship can be a powerful antidote to the stresses and challenges life inevitably presents. A kind and supportive partner becomes a source of solace during difficult times, offering a shoulder to lean on and unwavering emotional support. This resilience in the face of adversity is a testament to the enduring power of kindness, as it transforms a relationship into a sanctuary where both partners find solace and strength in each other.
Kindness Lowers Partner Vulnerability. Emotional intimacy, a cornerstone of loving relationships, flourishes in an atmosphere of kindness. When partners feel valued and appreciated, they are more inclined to open up and share their vulnerabilities. Acts of kindness create a positive feedback loop, fostering a sense of emotional safety that encourages partners to express their true selves without fear of judgment.
This emotional authenticity strengthens the connection between partners, allowing them to navigate the intricacies of life hand in hand. Stan realized that while he valued vacations, he was afraid to admit to Emma that he wanted to switch careers. When Emma showed him kindness and compassion, he felt empowered to begin a two-year certification training to help him move in a new career direction.
Kindness Creates a Healthier Life. The benefits of kindness extend beyond the realm of emotional well-being to encompass physical health as well. Numerous studies have shown that positive and supportive relationships contribute to overall health and longevity. Acts of kindness release oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone," which has been linked to lower blood pressure, reduced stress levels, and improved overall well-being. Thus, kindness in a loving relationship not only nurtures emotional health but also has tangible positive effects on the physical well-being of both partners.
Concluding Thoughts
The benefits of being kind in a loving relationship are far-reaching and multifaceted. Kindness serves as a cornerstone for trust, effective communication, emotional intimacy, and overall well-being. It transforms a relationship into a haven where both partners can find solace, support, and genuine connection. As partners embrace the enduring rewards of kindness, they lay the groundwork for a resilient and fulfilling romantic partnership that stands the test of time.
© Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. (All rights reserved)
Facebook image: Kazantseva Olga/Shutterstock
References
Haas, S. M., & Lannutti, P. J. (2022). Relationship maintenance behaviors, resilience, and relational quality in romantic relationships of LGBTQ+ people. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 11(2), 117–131. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000186
McDonald, J. E., Faytol, A. L., Grau, P. P., Olson, J. R., Goddard, H. W., & Marshall, J. P. (2020). Compassion and values influence marital quality amongst couples in three U.S. states. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 9(2), 59–72. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000134
Zagefka, H., & Bahul, K. (2021). Beliefs That Contribute to Dissatisfaction in Romantic Relationships. The Family Journal, 29(2), 153-160. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480720956638
