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Recent research suggests that people have significant misconceptions regarding exactly which of the people they consider friends are truly their authentic friends (Almaatoug et al., 2016). The study revealed that only about half of participants successfully identified their true friends.
True friendships are measured by the presence of reciprocity in the relationship, meaning that both individuals consider the other to be a friend. It’s like those well-liked people in the office or on the playground whom everyone considers a friend because they are able to make everyone feel appreciated or welcome. If that popular person is asked to list her friends, however, she may only name a handful of good friends, whereas dozens of others might claim her as a friend. Or think about the less-well-liked people you work with—they may have no colleague who'd “claim” them as a friend, even if they can generate a long list of people they consider friends.
Without reciprocity, friendships just don’t exist.
Today, many people measure their worth and popularity by their number of “followers," “friends,” and “connections” on social media platforms. It’s almost like Nielsen ratings for people. Of course, while a character like Hodor from Game of Thrones has become a welcome guest in millions of homes on Sunday nights, no one could expect Hodor to reciprocate the familiarity.
There’s a saying, “One therapist has many patients, but each patient has only one therapist.” This reflects the same idea: No one can be “everyone’s friend,” especially if everyone is clamoring to that person’s friend.
Another interesting finding from the study addressed the power of the “buddy system” to effect behavioral changes. Most of us have experienced “hero envy” or “celebrity envy” or just had crushes on others when we were young. During these phases of development, you may have longed to emulate and be just like your idol. Maybe you wanted to follow their beauty or fitness routine, dress like them, or listen to the music they liked. This can be a part of normal development (assuming you don’t drop $10,000 on plastic surgery to look like your idol).
But an interesting occurs happens as we mature. It turns out that when we try to capitalize on friendships to change unhealthy behaviors, we don't necessarily learn just by watching good friends make behavioral changes. In fact, researchers have found that the most effective changes occurred when the “leader” felt friendship towards the person whose behavior he was trying to shift—not the other way around.
When your parents asked you, “Why can’t you be more like your [friend/sibling]?” they were actually using one of the least effective change tactics that they could have chosen. What might have been more effective would have been asking your friend to encourage you to change. When someone really cares about another person, the outcome becomes much more important.
There is no denying that we survive and thrive on the kindness of others. Civilization is the product of social organization and social arrangements. You may interact with many people in a day, being kind, inviting, and supportive because you are a warm and thoughtful individual. You are creating the foundation for a friendship, but until you and another person both invest in the establishment of a friendship, you are just acquaintances. Friendships begin with reciprocity, but to truly flourish they require loyalty, empathetic concern, honesty, thoughtfulness, connection, and trust. Reciprocity is the starting point, but it takes more than that to make it last.
If you would like to widen your circle of friends, you might need to take the initial risk and ante up. Although friendship is certainly much more than a transactional exchange, the bonds that are built over the sharing of time, resources, and presence are the bonds that deepen over time.
Reference
Almaatouq, A., Radaelli, L., Pentland, A., & Shmueli, E. (2016). Are you your friends’ friend? Poor perception of friends ties that limits the ability to promote behavioral change. PLoS ONE, 11(3). E0151588. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0151588
