How to Negotiate with Angry People

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All of life is a negotiation. It is a necessary life skill that, sadly, is seldom taught. Understanding the psychology behind the negotiations one is likely to face daily is a significant advantage. Take anger, for instance. Everyone faces an angry negotiating counterpart at some point. Yet few people have strategies in place to manage dealing with such situations with intention.

It’s worth contemplating how one reacts when facing off with an angry person. Some people shrink or shy away, avoiding the conflict. At the other end of the spectrum, some get on their game-face and dish it back.

The ability to reframe how one sees these interactions is a valuable tool in any negotiation toolkit. Instead of seeing these moments as horrible experiences to endure (or avoid), it’s beneficial to view them as a means to gather information and a means to a successful negotiation outcome.

Three key reasons anger shows up in negotiation

• The other party is using anger as a negotiation tactic

Sometimes people feign anger as a negotiation tactic. They use anger, with intention, to get the other party to acquiesce or make them feel guilty to get a desired outcome. It’s worthwhile to be on guard against this tactic. Watching for both verbal and nonverbal cues can help revel whether the anger is authentic or tactical. Asking questions and trusting one’s intuition are also helpful.Many people wonder why someone would resort to this tactic. Sadly, research shows that people who use anger in negotiations get better negotiated outcomes. This is not to suggest that one ought to use this as a strategy. Quite the opposite. It’s important to be aware so one can protect themself against falling victim to it.

• The other party views negotiation as a win/lose proposition

Most people have been conditioned to see negotiations as competitive exercises where winning is the goal. When such a counterpart shows up, they are more likely to revert to anger in the negotiation process. Seeing negotiation as a win/lose proposition typically means missing out on valuable opportunities to find better solutions for all. When facing someone with this orientation, one can get them to a more collaborative approach by showing up with intention and using some of the approaches suggested in this article.

• The other party misunderstands

Misunderstandings often lead to angry reactions. Studies show that humans are terrible at perspective-taking. Attaching inaccurate meanings to interactions can cause unwarranted angry reactions, which interfere with best negotiated outcomes.

Recognize that anger isn’t always personal. Often the other party is angry about circumstances. The circumstances may have nothing to do with the negotiation at hand or the person. Angry people are often operating from fear. Empathy and curiosity can be powerful antidotes to that. Allowing oneself to show up with empathy, truly seeking to understand the other party, will help make room for better responses.

Here are some quick internal and external To Do’s when dealing with an angry person in negotiations.

Internal To Do’s:

1. Be prepared. Do the homework, including anticipating how to respond to an angry counterpart and exploring their triggers in advance whenever possible.
2. Know the why. Knowing your deep why (i.e. what’s driving the issue) can help avert reactivity and keep focus on the outcome.
3. Self-regulate. Avoid responding in kind. Take a breath. Consider what is generating the anger in order to respond most appropriately and productively.
4. Remain courteous and respectful. Rather than getting reactive, treat the other party with dignity and respect, thereby modelling best behaviour and triggering reciprocity.
5. Stay focused and calm. Don’t allow someone else’s anger to cause you to lose the clarity needed to secure best outcomes.
6. Practice empathy. Seek to understand the other person’s position, their needs (both stated and unstated) and what drives them.
7. Separate the person from the problem. Avoid personalizing the process. Stay focused on the issues at hand, and try to bring the discussion back to best ways to get the best outcome.
8. Know one’s BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). Knowing your alternatives to any negotiated agreement is grounding and provides greater leverage and clarity.

External To Do’s:

1. Get the other party to agree, i.e. by summarizing their position.
2. Get curious. Ask questions.
3. Practice active listening.
4. Put your own needs into the words of the other party. They will want to know what is in it for them.
5. Mirror the words of the other party.
6. Let the other party think they’re in control.
7. Invite the other party to show up as the best version of themselves (i.e. when confronted with an angry outburst, say something like: “I know that treating people with dignity and respect is important to you …”).
8. Call out inappropriate behaviour, but not in a way so as to trigger a defensive dig-in—allow a face-saver for the other party (i.e. “It seems that you’re upset. Is there something I’ve said or done that’s causing this reaction? What can we do to get back on track?”)
9. Consider changing the venue—i.e. regroup over lunch or go for a walk together to discuss the matter.

Consider the wisdom of Gandhi or Nelson Mandela, each great negotiators in their own right. When faced with anger, they did not respond with reactivity. They were thoughtful, considerate, and compelling. They were strategic and kept the clarity necessary to maximize their chance of influencing the other party to their position through respectful, calm, insightful persuasion. In doing so, they invited the other party to show up as a better version of themselves.