Negotiating with a Liar

Negotiations with a liar often lead to unsatisfactory results, yielding frustration, anger, disbelief, and reactivity. But this doesn’t have to be the case. Awareness and a few tools can lead to better outcomes even when negotiating with a liar.

How to Recognize Whether Someone Is Lying

Learning how to decipher whether someone is lying is the first step. As in a poker game, look for ‘tells,’ unconscious signs or signals that suggest someone is lying. They are automatic and involuntary reactions, and they often present as shifts in body language or verbal tone.

Pay attention to:

• verbal and nonverbal cues
• facial expressions, both macro and micro
• shifts in voice and verbal style.

Having a baseline against which to compare the behavior makes the process easier, so a pre-existing relationship can prove useful. There is no single definitive sign, so it is important to utilize a combination of methods and factors.

One approach is to notice whether there is a conflict between what is being said and what the nonverbal cues indicate. For example, someone clenching their jaw while saying everything is great.

Other signals of lying might include:

• change in breathing (quickening)
• raised shoulders
• shallower voice
• repetition of words or phrases
• touching or covering their mouth or other ‘vulnerable’ body parts
• repeating questions before answering
• not saying enough or saying too much.

Ultimately, intuition and methodical problem-solving will serve in deciphering a lie from the truth.

How to Test Suspicions of Deceit

If one suspects that another party is being untruthful, it might be wise to ask a question introducing a false fact ostensibly relevant to their story and observing how the person responds or reacts.

Some experts also suggest having the person tell their story in reverse because the cognitive demand increases the likelihood of making a mistake.

Additionally, asking questions in a variety of ways may get a liar off script for easier lie detection.

How to Deal with and/or Negotiate with Someone Who’s Lying

Preparation accounts for 45% of one’s success in any given negotiation, and it will be key in these situations as well.

Effective preparation includes considering the fears, ego, attachment, and reactivity triggers of both parties. Taking into account the factors that may be causing the person to lie creates a tone of compassion rather than reactivity during negotiations, which allows for better outcomes.

Preparation should also include considering in advance how one wants to present in the negotiation. Doing so allows one to stay grounded, calm, and collected rather than reacting emotionally. Having an emotional reaction to a potential lie causes loss of perspective, clarity, and objectivity.

Consider using the AREFIT model during the conversation:

A = Assertive

Show up with the confidence that comes from proper preparation.

R = Rapport

Develop common ground and connection with the other party.

E = Empathy

Seek to understand the other party and their overall motivations (including why they may be lying).

F = Flexibility

Be willing to adjust negotiation approaches as the situation unfolds.

I = Intuition

Listen to one’s instincts and intuitive responses as they arise throughout the conversation.

T = Trust

Build trust with the other party through understanding and clear communication.

The increased presence that comes from such preparation equips one in catching signs of lying and in dealing with it successfully.

Listening Is the Key

Putting oneself in the shoes of the other party, getting curious, and asking questions may be one of the most underused approaches. Tied to this empathetic approach (and contrary to popular belief), listening serves negotiations better than talking.

In fact, active listening is one of the most important skills to bring to the table as an effective negotiator. It allows for better understanding of the needs of the other party—their stated, unstated, and even unconscious needs. This is a powerful tool to enable creative outcomes.

It is also a particularly important set of skills for ascertaining whether someone is lying. Asking questions in different ways, getting someone off their rehearsed script, is much more likely to unearth inconsistencies (both intended and unintended). This is a skill of effective attorneys when cross-examining.

Appeal to Their Higher Self

Everyone values their identity.

Thus, calling someone a liar and/or challenging their integrity is likely to trigger a defensive posture, at which point conversations typically devolve. By contrast, an effective tool might be to take a moment to breathe, ground, oneself, invoke compassion, and say something like:

“I know you value your integrity and believe it’s important to treat everyone with dignity and respect. I appreciate that. It’s important to me too.”

And then go on to propose an alternative view or identify something they said that didn’t resonate, suggest it be put aside for the moment, and move on to another point.

Appealing to the person’s sense of self, invoking their desire to live up to the better identity presented, allows the person the opportunity to save face and move forward in a more productive manner.

Know When to Move On

Having said all this, never get so attached to a particular negotiation or result that negotiation continue after it no longer makes sense.

If these strategies do not work when dealing with a pathological liar or narcissist, then be prepared to walk away or call out the behavior where necessary.

However, practicing and perfecting the strategies described above can yield many fruitful, ultimately, honest conversations.