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“How many of you have ever cyberbullied someone?” I ask the sea of middle school faces. As expected, no one raises their hand.
I follow with, “How many of you have ever posted a sarcastic comment, or jokingly called a friend a name on social media, or posted something to embarrass a friend because it was funny?” This time more than half of the hands fly up.
The details are in the definition
Bullying is defined as an act that is committed against another usually more vulnerable individual with malicious intent. In other words, the bully wants to intentionally hurt their victim. Technically the definition of cyberbullying is similar, except for the fact that the bully attacks their victim using a digital device such as a phone, tablet, or computer to post threatening or embarrassing content or make direct attacks. Cyberbullying, like bullying, is malicious and cruel. Perpetrators are easily able to hide their identity because the attacks are digital. The anonymity can make these types of bullies feel particularly powerful.
There is, however, one important difference when discussing the definition of cyberbullying. The perception of being cyberbullied is based on the individual receiving the digital communication’s perception, not the intent of the sender. This means that it is very possible that someone could send or post something without malicious intent that gets interpreted this way. In other words, an individual can easily become an unintentional cyberbully.
Why tweens are especially vulnerable
During tweenhood, children’s brains grow and their minds expand. It is during this phase of development that kids begin to become aware of the world at large. The ability to use abstract thinking develops and with it a greater ability to use perspective taking. Tweens and teens, however, are egocentric, which is also related to brain development. They are able to use perspective taking, it’s just not their natural inclination. Of course, this is an overgeneralization as development varies from individual to individual. During the tween years, the ego is very vulnerable. This often reflects in a super sensitivity to how kids feel about themselves and how they believe others view them. Tweens self-esteem is also often fragile. This may result in a skewed interpretation of the intentions of others. An offhand comment or a sarcastic statement can therefore easily be interpreted as an affront. Because tweens want to seem confident and strong, they may not speak up about how such interactions really affect them. The result may be that they feel bullied and attacked by a friend or peer who has no intention of hurting them. Regardless of the intent however, these communications can take a large toll on the recipient.
A tale of punctuation
We all know it is not what you say but how you say it that can make all the difference. This is also true in the world of digital communication. A whole set of complex rules have cropped up regarding texts, posts and the like. One careless stroke on a keyboard can lead to a misinterpretation of disastrous proportions. This is especially true for tweens. A period at the end of a sentence in a text or post for example, is often perceived as angry. Research in fact reflects that neutral texts are also often perceived as angry. A simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to a direct question can be perceived with emotion the sender never intended to convey.
Because tweens tend to be more sensitive and less self-assured, the chance of misperceiving messages is increased.
The truth behind the mask
Tweens are at a place in their development when they are searching for their identity. It is during these years that they often feel like they are constantly being judged. This is in part due to a new awareness of the outside world, as well as their desire to fit into this world, to affirm their place. While embarrassment and shame are two of the most difficult emotions for all humans to handle, tweens are particularly prone. They will do almost anything to avoid feeling this way, or at least showing that they feel this way. This means they will go to great lengths to mask what they may be really feeling in response to the behaviors of others toward them. If, for example, a friend teases them, they may go along with it and act as if it doesn’t bother them; they may act as if they actually think it is funny. This reinforces these types of reactions from others. Soon they may be caught in a negative loop that gradually chips away at self-esteem and encourages hopelessness and helplessness. The reality is that behind the façade they use as a front, it hurts.
Enter the unintentional bully
Putting all the pieces together it starts to become clearer how the unintentional cyberbully comes into being. The reality is that in these instances, perception is truly everything. The perspective of the victim is obvious. He feels attacked or even tortured by the sarcastic, teasing comments, that feel downright cold and cruel. These communications are particularly harmful if the perpetrator is supposed to be a friend. Oddly enough from the perspective of the unintentional cyberbully, they may indeed be friends. But again, perception or rather perspective means everything. The unintentional cyberbully does not have the same perspective as his unintended victim. He thinks nothing of the comments sent or posted; they are simply a joke, no harm intended, a banter between friends. On occasion, he may actually be waiting for a sufficient sarcastic comeback! It would be much to his chagrin to learn that the recipient of his quips feels victimized. And yet in these circumstances, the alleged cyberbully is truly clueless, unaware about the impact of his actions.
Education leads to eradication
Education always starts with awareness and understanding. The use of perspective taking is certainly crucial when addressing this dilemma. To ask tweens to ask themselves, “How would I feel if I received this text or post?” however, is not enough. The better question to ask is, “How would my friend feel if he read this?” If a positive response is at all questionable, we need to teach tweens that they best refrain from sending or posting. In addition, we need to teach tweens to check in with each other. If, for example, a sarcastic comment is posted to a friend, check in to acknowledge that the comment could be perceived as snarky or hurtful. Let the friend know up front the intent was never to upset or harm. This is certainly a tall order for an immature tween. We are therefore better off emphasizing, when in doubt, that they shouldn't post or send anything unless definitely positive. We also need to teach tweens to advocate for themselves, to communicate if they have a negative perception of a received post or text. Only through direct communication with each other can they clarify where they are at and how they are perceiving things. Their egocentric nature causes them to assume that others, especially peers and friends, see a situation exactly how they do. This can have dire consequences.
Cyberbullying is a terrible problem especially during the tween years when egos are fragile, and self-esteem and self-confidence can be vulnerable. The cruelness associated with this type of bullying, which is often anonymous, cannot be underscored enough. There are, however, occasions when tweens may become unintentional cyberbullies. This occurs because the content of cyberbullying is judged by the impact it has on the recipient, not whether there was malicious intent on the part of the sender. Through discussion and consistent communication, we can combat circumstances leading to unintentional cyberbullying. In these scenarios, a little bit of perspective taking can go a long way.
