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Key points
- Create a detailed visual schedule for smoother transitions between homes.
- Avoid negative talk about the other parent to maintain a positive environment.
- Consult a developmental pediatrician for personalized guidance.
Even amicable divorces can be highly stressful for families—let alone when you have a child with special needs. Moving a neurodivergent child from home to home in a joint custody arrangement can be challenging for the child, as well as the parents.
As I work with many families in this situation, I recently wrote about legal considerations to protect your special-needs child’s interest in the case of divorce.
But one key aspect of divorce in many marriages is how to approach coparenting.
There Is No “One-Size-Fits-All” Plan
Each child is unique, and the exact steps you take to support your child will depend on their age and cognitive abilities. I recommend you consult with a developmental pediatrician who can provide tailored guidance for your child’s particular needs early in the process.
As you proceed through a divorce, be sure to retain a divorce attorney who has experience working with parents of children with special needs. The reason is this: It may be that you and your spouse are on the same page about how to raise your child, or, it may be that you are at odds. If you are at odds, it will be crucial to have an experienced legal representative who understands the importance of a solid legal custody framework for decision-making.
Which parent, for example, will make the final decision as to which developmental pediatrician to choose? Who will determine whether your child should be in a private school setting or a public school, whether your child will receive ABA therapy and how frequently, or what other testing should occur? These are just a few examples of decisions that may arise for an autistic child.
Change Is Hard, But Visual Representation Helps
Many children with autism, for example, have significant difficulty handling changes in routine. The change itself may be inevitable, but when you take the time to help your child prepare, they’ll have an easier time adjusting. For a neurodivergent child, consistency and stability are often critical.
For example, if you have decided on a shared parenting schedule, it is important that both parents aid in helping your child transition between homes. One of the most effective ways to do this is by creating a detailed physical calendar and displaying it at both parents’ homes. Make sure you include the following:
- Which parent the child will be with on each day
- When (and where) custody changes happen
- The child’s daily activities (school, sports, etc.)
You can even include photos and illustrations. If your child is artistic, they might want to help.
Consider Buying Duplicates of Certain Items
If you’ve ever forgotten something as simple as a toothbrush while traveling, you know how inconvenient it can be. You can make things less stressful for your child (and for the rest of your family) by making sure they have some of the same items at both homes. Here are some examples:
- If your child has a favorite plate or cup, buy a second set for each parent’s home.
- Make sure your child has a set of toiletries (toothbrush, soap, etc.) at each home.
- Buy a set of pajamas (and other key clothing items) for each home.
If your child still needs to pack items for custody switches, provide them with a visual checklist to make the process easier.
Keep It Positive
Make sure you don’t badmouth your former spouse to your child. Like any child of divorce, your child needs to know their parents still love them—even if the parents no longer love each other.
You might be able to help your child better understand if you explain the split in terms they can relate to. For instance, does your child have a friend they don’t play with as much as they used to because your child likes dinosaurs and the friend is more interested in soccer? If so, that could be a good way to help them understand.
Patience and Understanding Are Key
Above all, remember to extend grace to your child as they weather this life event with you. If your child is upset, angry, or frustrated, it’s likely not a reflection of their thoughts and feelings toward you. After all, they’re simply trying their best to manage a difficult situation that can cause even fully grown adults to act out.
You can make the transition easier for everyone when you have a clear parenting plan in place.
As I always say, please take care of yourself and your children during this stressful time.
This content does not substitute for legal or mental health advice. Please reach out to a local attorney or medical practitioner for information that relates directly to your particular situation.
