Forgive Yourself for Choosing a Toxic Partner

Trauma and abuse survivors often struggle to forgive themselves for their experiences, punishing themselves through ongoing embarrassment and shame that comes from having gone through their abuse.

Many survivors blame themselves for choosing someone who was capable of such harm, believing that they "should have known" or should have been able to see the red flags. Sometimes they did see the red flags, yet chose to excuse or ignore them, which can compound the guilt and shame they feel. This is especially common for survivors of family-of-origin trauma, due to a history of normalizing the dysfunction or abuse they experienced to survive. Struggling to forgive yourself after a toxic or abusive relationship is very common for survivors.

Forgive yourself for loving someone who hurt you.

Source: huyngan/Pixabay

Forgive yourself for wanting to be happy, which at the time meant staying with someone who was not right for you.

Forgive yourself for not getting out sooner, and instead switch the focus to the fact that you did get out.

Forgive yourself for being vulnerable, for not seeing red flags, and for not “getting away sooner.” Sometimes it can be more difficult to acknowledge your experience when you are dependent on the person. Mothers with small children with nowhere else to go often stay in unhealthy relationships for this reason.

Forgive yourself for having a lack of support to leave sooner, and for what your children and family went through due to this lack of support. Maybe you were shamed by family or faith for considering a divorce. There are many reasons why survivors do not leave, but having a lack of support is usually one of the top.

Forgive yourself for not being able to protect your children, and for not being able to convince others of their need for protection. Focus instead on the fact that you did leave when you did.

Forgive yourself for the embarrassment that comes from the experience. Whether it comes from the lies the person spread about you to tarnish your reputation or the shame that comes from having to start over, none of this is your fault.

Developing self-awareness of your own history will help you create understanding of what led you to the relationship. Without blaming yourself, it is important to explore what led you to the person. Perhaps there was part of the dysfunction or unhealthy behaviors that felt familiar to you? Many survivors of family-of-origin trauma stay in bad relationships due to normalizing these behaviors or worrying that they will not find anyone better. Exploring these factors will help you look into your history—not to blame yourself, but to look at the link and hopefully help you work toward healing.

Remember, any and all feelings are normal at this time. It is important to allow them as they come, instead of shaming yourself into ignoring or dismissing them. The anger and scars that come from the injustice you experienced are normal, but, eventually, they will move aside, making space for healing and growth. For some survivors, that journey will end at forgiveness of yourself, but for others, it’s more complicated. I work with survivors on what their journey looks like, letting them arrive at forgiveness naturally, allowing abuse survivors the time they need to heal and make sense of their situation.

Remember that healing from trauma is like riding a wave: It ebbs and flows. You might have weeks of feeling and doing much better, even feeling healed, only to hear a familiar song or see a post on social media that sets you back. It is important to understand that healing is not linear: It is normal and natural to have different emotional reactions with varying degrees of severity as you move toward it.