When We’re Out of Practice With Our Friendships

Talk to the hand: Interactions can be awkward after a substantial time away from one another.

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An impact of that pandemic (the one you’ve probably heard about) is that many of us are a bit out of practice being with our friends in person. A lot of us haven’t gone clubbing or hanging with our fellow foodies in a while, and when we finally get to be with our friends, sometimes it can feel a little weird. Not like it was before.

Finally being in person has its joys but also some tensions. Minor slights or changes in tone can be perceived as emotional threats. And being left out by accident or strange circumstances, or purposefully excluded, can erode our sense of security (Janin, 2022). And we’ve had, and continue to have, a lot of time on our hands to brood and ruminate, which is the tendency to focus on negative aspects of one's self or negative interpretations of one's life. Rumination is an established risk factor for depression (Whitmer & Gotlib, 2013). Brooding enough, we can make mountains of molehills and subscribe to very negative interpretations of events and nonevents.

But on the second anniversary of the pandemic, it’s worth noting that less in-person time can lead to intensified loneliness. Combine that with a massive amount of rumination and we may feel insecure as heck when someone doesn’t respond to a text, or comment in a chat (Zoom, anyone? Shudder). Further, shrinking social networks (some relationships are harder to maintain virtually by text and WhatsApp) added on to fewer meet ups, can magnify every movie outing that doesn't happen or coffee date that falls through.

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But before getting completely bent out of shape over these apparent blowoffs and mini rejections, it’s good to take a breath and put a single event into perspective. Was it really so awful or hurtful? If not, drop down to DEF CON Level 4 in your psychological defense readiness system. If it was pretty hurtful, reflect on whether the relationship is worth investing time and energy, and if it is, how you might go about reclaiming it.

And if your mileage is varying in current friendships, consider reaching out to folks from your hometown or state that you’ve enjoyed speaking to in years past. I called a friend I went to school with since first grade on Friday and it was really fun chatting about all the things. This was an opportunity to just relax and get caught up, not score points in a debate (we skipped hot-button issues). The goal was to reconnect and to feel less isolated. Mission accomplished.

In conclusion, I humbly suggest that we not cement a sense of disconnection, loneliness, and isolation via overreactions to subtle changes in how friends seem to respond to us when we get together now. Unless someone’s being an outsized jerk (and it’s been known to happen), let’s attribute some of the awkwardness to our all being a little rusty. That’s the self-compassionate and other-compassionate thing to do.