What Good Is Regret?

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Whether a loss involves an estranged relationship, the death of a loved one, or a missed opportunity, we may regret something we did or didn’t do as though action or inaction would have made a difference. Regret leads to mentally replaying scenes—the leftovers—to make sense of what may have gone wrong or reconcile what was left undone.

Regret is reflective and backward-looking. We may lament a past event, situation, or behavior as an error we wish to correct. Retrospectively, we might imagine changing something we did or didn’t do. When we experience the shame of regret, we are motivated to temporarily alter memories by imagining what might have been had we taken a different path or seized an opportunity (Nathanson, 1992). Images of doing something differently provide momentary relief from the pain of regret since, in our imagination, we can hold on to a piece of what we cherished that is now beyond reach.

Regret has been conceptualized as a higher-order cognitive emotion because it involves thinking and feeling (Lerner & Keltner, 2001; Västfjäll et al., 2011). Dominant emotions in regret are shame, guilt, distress, and sadness. When these emotions are repeatedly activated, they can produce a downcast mood.

Regret and Broken Bonds

Relationships that end may leave us with regret. Unfinished business involves wondering how something might have been if we had acted otherwise. Sometimes we wish we had done a particular thing or refrained from taking some action; other times, we sense that we left something unsaid (Bonanno et al., 2004; FitzGibbon et al., 2021; Holland et al., 2014, 2020; Klingspon et al., 2015; Torges et al., 2008). Regret conveys that some different circumstances may have eased our post-loss distress. Regret contains a strong motivational lure in that we cannot keep ourselves from considering alternatives and seeking information about them (FitzGibbon et al., 2021).

Bereavement-Related Regret

Surviving spouses may regret that the spouse who died could not have continued to live a healthy and happy life, or they may dwell on past decisions and missed opportunities (Shuchter & Zisook, 1993). If we resort to defensive responses to the shame involved in such regret, we may attack ourselves (e.g., “I should have taken him to another specialist” or “I should have told her that I appreciated our friendship”). We may attack the deceased (e.g., “I’m so mad at him for not taking care of his health”). We may use avoidance (e.g., “I’m just going to have a few drinks to feel better”), or we may withdraw (e.g., “I can’t stand the idea of going anywhere without my partner”).

Regret Informs Us

Regret informs us of a failure to live up to our ideals, over and above the mistakes we have made (Davidai & Gilovich, 2018). In the long run, we regret our inactions more than our actions, so regret lingers where opportunity existed and where we have missed tangible prospects for change, growth, and renewal (Davidai & Gilovich, 2018; Roese & Summerville, 2005). Despite how uncomfortable regrets and unfinished business may feel, they represent internal feedback about our past behavior. The cognitive process, known as counterfactual thinking, has to do with our assessment of an outcome compared to what would have been gained or lost had we made a different decision (Zeelenberg et al., 1998). We mentally simulate other outcomes of past events by considering hypothetical alternatives (C. G. Davis et al., 1995). Thus, regret may represent an important aspect of our capacity to review our decisions or to assess our behaviors retrospectively. Alternatively, it may exemplify our inclination to pursue counterfactual information for its own sake (FitzGibbon et al., 2021). Although looking back may not always influence future behavior, it can be a learning experience.

Our perceptual skills may also cost us when linked to an appreciation of another person with whom we have become familiar. Just as we do not “taste” a certain meal we have been eating for a week, we may also become habituated to a close relationship with someone, such as a spouse, partner, or parent. Thus, if the relationship is ruptured or they die, we may believe we have undervalued someone important to us when it is merely that our brain became familiar with them. Regrets follow in wishing we had been more attentive, spent more time with them, or had more overtly expressed and appreciated their value. This valley of our perceptual and phenomenological responses to someone is a human tendency, not a personal fault.

Reviewing the past and evaluating what we experienced can clarify our judgment errors or any misrepresentation in our perception of a situation. Yet ruminating about a traumatic past or the things we regret tends to stir up our emotional brain rather than calm it down. The more times we run down the same path filled with negative emotion, the more familiar, available, and accessible it may become.

Emotions make us care in both positive and negative ways; we care when we are interested or excited and when we are guilty or ashamed. Regret is not indifferent. Thus, our regrets may preserve an emotional attachment to someone or something we have cherished and lost, or to someone or something that we should have avoided in the first place.

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Excerpted in part from Grief Isn't Something to Get Over: Finding a Home for Memories and Emotions After Losing a Loved One.