How to Reevaluate a Friendship in 4 Questions

As with any type of relationship, friendships vary according to quality, and it's the quality factor that many friends struggle with most when questioning whether they want to—or should—continue a particular friendship that's causing them strife.

Consulting a simple checklist of questions about such a friendship can help determine whether a friendship is worth maintaining, which means one that has an overall positive effect on your mood and mental health. The purpose of friendship, unlike other relationship types, is simple: to provide comfort and support. Ensuring a supportive friendship is important because good social support is associated with overall health and mental health. Specifically, what is important is the belief in the existence of social support (Morowatisharifabad & Tonekaboni, 2007).

What is the frequency, intensity, and duration of upsetting interactions in a friendship you may be reevaluating?

Consider your friendship and ask yourself how often you feel upset as a result of interactions with them, as well as how intense some of the interactions have been. Were recent upsetting episodes simply annoying and bothersome, or were they extremely upsetting? Were you able to move past your feelings in the moment, or did your central nervous system react (increased heart rate, flushing of the face, and so forth)? If you detect any sort of pattern of upset interactions that cause an actual fight-or-flight response (more than one such episode), the friendship may have more of a negative impact on your mental health than a positive one.

Have you ever felt especially nervous or as if you must "walk on eggshells" around your friend when they've been upset with you?

Interactions with a friend can be upsetting for various reasons. One frequent problem in unhealthy relationships is a problematic communication style, including difficulty identifying and communicating clearly about the exact upset feelings one is feeling. If your friend is inept at managing and expressing their own feelings, you can find yourself in such a situation feeling confused, thrown off, and trying to figure out what is motivating your friend's words or behavior. Are they angry, or do they feel hurt and disappointed by you? It's often hard to know with friends who can't admit to you how they feel ("I felt really hurt when you said that," "I felt angry because I felt that you took advantage of the situation"). Many times, your friend may not even be able to admit to themself how they really feel, avoiding at all costs feeling sad or hurt for fear that this is a sign of weakness. Regardless of the root cause, feeling that your friend is emotionally unpredictable and overly intense with you is a dynamic that some may tolerate but can take a serious emotional toll long-term on others.

Does your friend control the presence or absence of communication when they're upset with you?

People have different ways of managing emotions, and one common but problematic way of managing hurt feelings or anger toward another is to shut down and avoid the other person. In some cases, the hurt or angry individual goes a step further and wants to punish the other by hurting or upsetting them in turn. In lay terms, the "silent treatment" is clinically often either an avoidant style of coping or a microaggression designed to cause a negative reaction. If you have a friendship in which they control the access, you have to communicate openly with them (by phone, in-person, or texting) when they're upset with you. This can be a serious sign that a friendship is not working in a healthy way. When subject to uncomfortable circumstances with a friend, it's tempting to get stuck in the details and ruminate (over-focus) on them, but it's crucial to take a step back, identify your feelings, and remember what a friendship that works looks like. Ultimately, a friendship that works is a collaboration, not one where one dominates and "wins" and the other submits and "loses."

Do you ever feel that your friend, when upset with you, treats you as if they were your boss or in some position of authority over you?

Friendship is a voluntary relationship that should feel equitable, meaning that there is no significant imbalance in the power dynamic. In some friendships, an individual whose personality is strong and who is accustomed to making the decisions in relationships can make a mistake, when upset, of holding onto rigid expectations of how the other should be. In friendship scenarios, they overindulge their need for greater power when they get upset and can treat their friend as if the friend is "in trouble," reminiscent of school-age scenarios in which one gets called to the principal's office. This behavior is controlling, and the one doing the controlling is often so accustomed to this power position in a relationship that they don't even realize what they're doing with their friend. Research among adolescents has found that increases in perceived friend dominance were accompanied by increases in depressive and anxiety symptoms (Schacter, Hoffman & Ehrhardt, 2023), and adults who are likewise dominated in friendships may experience similar consequences.

Conclusion

A friendship is a relationship that must be treated respectfully and delicately. One must be careful to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship when reevaluating whether it is still working. Lived experience reminds us that many romantic relationships last for a time but then expire; the process of developing a friendship is similar in the sense of two people getting to know each other and then determining over time whether each can comfortably meet the other's needs. Once you have a clear sense of your answer to the questions above, writing in a journal about what next steps you want to take can be helpful. In addition, processing these feelings with another trusted friend (who doesn't know that person) can help bring greater clarity. One good possible step to take with the friend in question, when ready, includes gently talking with them about a few of the issues that have been bothering you to see if they are open and validate those feelings. Validation, after all, is a key component of any relationship worth keeping.