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"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom." —Groucho Marx
"A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting." —Helen Rowland.
A runaway bride is a woman who cancels her wedding very close to the time of the ceremony or who even runs away from the ceremony itself. How can this phenomenon be explained? Why don't these women simply say "no" when the marriage is proposed?
Consider the following true story. Rebecca and David knew each other from childhood. In their teens, they became romantically involved, and after five years of their romantic partnership, they decided to get married. Both were quite close to each other's families.
On the morning of the wedding day, Rebecca called David and told him that she wanted to cancel the wedding. David went with his parents to see her; she was at her mother's house and refused to open the door. After a few more phone calls, and at about 19:00, it was formally announced that the wedding, which was supposed to begin at 20:30, was canceled. The groom's parents lost about $50,000, which they had paid in advance for the wedding.
Quite a few women get cold feet on their way to the altar. Explanations for this behavior include reasons such as (a) an intrinsic fear of not being able to follow through on any serious undertaking, (b) a phobia about long-term commitment, and (c) a lack of genuine love for the partner. In many cases, the explanation involves a combination of these reasons. The first reason has to do with a general tendency in the bride that does not merely relate to the wedding; the second reason refers to the bride's fear of being in a committed relationship; and the third refers to the bride's perception of or feelings for the groom himself.
Some runaway brides jilt their potential grooms, because most of their lives, they have always tended to run away from serious problems—this is their way of coping with difficult challenges. Jennifer Wilbanks, the infamous runaway bride who sparked a police hunt and media attention in 2005 when she lied about being abducted in order to escape her wedding day, explained her behavior by saying: "I was running away. Because that's what I've always done." She added that the pressure that caused her to run away was generated "internally"; it was "not pressure from the wedding."
Other brides flee at the last minute because they have a commitment phobia. The long-term investment involved in a serious, committed relationship often makes people more vulnerable—they are terrified that the relationship might fail and leave them stranded or badly hurt. In the movie Runaway Bride, the character played by Julia Roberts seems to be motivated by this kind of phobia. Such women might also feel that they are not good enough for their partner or that they are bound to let their partner down.
Other brides take flight because they do not really love their partners; at the last minute, they realize that they do not want to make a romantic compromise on such an important life-decision. Their realization—or their fear—that this partner is not the perfect one, and not even the most optimal one for them, makes them abscond.
It should be noted that we are not speaking here about forced marriages, but about a decision taken freely, though not always out of love.
Many people realize, even on their wedding night, that they have compromised on the overall value of their spouse. When asked why they did not cancel the wedding, some of them say that they hoped that they would nevertheless be happy with their partner or that the partner would change once they were married and had children.
A few people, mostly women, explain their behavior by saying that they did not want to cancel the wedding, as the invitations had already been sent, and they did not want to embarrass their partner and family. One woman even admitted that at her wedding ceremony, she felt a strong desire to run away and have sex with her former boyfriend. (She got divorced seven months later.)
Some cases of runaway brides are caused by having made romantic compromises. Runaway brides have probably suppressed their hesitations and their feelings that they are making a compromise for a long time till these begin to bubble, or rather to explode, on the surface. They might also have thought that the compromise they are making is not profound enough to warrant canceling the wedding and hurting their partner and other people. However, as the wedding day draws closer and closer, their hesitations become greater and more urgent. Finally, at the very last moment, the decision not to compromise on love is taken.
At the heart of the phenomena of romantic compromises and runaway brides are the availability of many romantic options. People can get used to the fact that their partner is not perfect, but it is much harder to get used to the situation that there are other feasible and willing partners whom they willingly choose not to pursue. The wedding is the point at which the bride and groom are expected to relinquish many options freely and are supposed to settle for one. Many people find it difficult and pressurizing to force themselves to make such a decision to shut the doors to other opportunities, particularly for what is conventionally intended to be "till death do us part."
Modern society offers many seductive options that generate the feeling of compromising your heart. Settling on one good option might be a solution to feeling compromised, but doing so is hard because of the presence of many other available options that can be perceived to be even better. It is difficult to settle on love when seductive alternatives are all around. However, having so many alternatives expresses the need to settle on what you have and try to make the best of it. Otherwise, an infinite costly search might be the fate of many lovers (or those aspiring to be so).
The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following statement that a lover might express: "Darling, let us get married; but if you have second thoughts about it, please let me know at least three days before the wedding, when the company arranging the wedding is still willing to refund 80 percent of our down payment. This will leave each of us with some resources to invest in looking for another partner."
