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Motivation
If You're Haunted by Regret, Ask Yourself These 3 Questions
Shift your perspective to ease the pain.
Posted January 7, 2020 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
We all have regrets. A relationship that didn’t work out, or one we stayed in too long; an educational or career opportunity that passed us by; a sacrifice that wasn’t worth it in the end. Even those who strive to live regret-free are likely no stranger to the sting of wishing things had gone differently.
While regret is a normal human experience, intense regret can be painful and overwhelming, reducing quality of life and even impacting health. When you find yourself in the throes of “if only” thinking, asking yourself these three questions may help shift your perspective to a more compassionate and hopeful one.
1. In what ways was my decision logical and understandable given the information available at the time?
As time goes by, it’s easy to forget the complex reasons for our decisions and the unique circumstances that gave rise to them, such as financial considerations, social pressures, or conflicting goals. Instead, we view the past from the lens of what happened next and believe we should have known how things would turn out, even when it was not possible to predict, a tendency related to the hindsight bias. As a result, we might subject ourselves to harsh self-criticism for failing to see what seems obvious to us now.
In truth, there may have been plenty of good reasons to make the decision we did, and plenty of outcomes we could not have anticipated. For example, whether the decision to attend college turns out to be the best one for a given person depends on multiple factors, many of which are difficult to foresee, such as changes in the economy, changes in a person’s interests and life circumstances over time, and the shifting value of a particular degree in the job market.
There may also be situations where a negative outcome was more predictable and some degree of constructive self-criticism seems warranted. But even when we know we went awry, taking a self-compassionate approach is more likely to help us learn from our mistakes and move on than obsessing over them. In one study, participants who spontaneously described regret experiences in a more self-compassionate way were rated by outside observers as demonstrating more self-improvement in relation to their regret, and in another study from the same publication, participants who were instructed to write to themselves about a regret from a “compassionate and understanding perspective” reported greater self-improvement motivation (e.g., “ I have grown as a person as a result of this regret”) compared to those in control conditions.
2. What good things came from my decision, and what potential bad outcomes were avoided?
Regret tends to involve focusing on the negatives of what happened and the positives of what might have been. One way to ease regret is to flip this on its head: What are the positives of what happened and the negatives of what might have been?
The first question is more straightforward. It involves finding silver linings in the path we chose to take—e.g., “Maybe I got married too young, but now I have three wonderful kids.” Although research suggests this approach may work best for regretted actions as opposed to inactions, it’s still possible to find positives in paths not taken—e.g., “I didn’t take the higher paying job, but it allowed me to have more work-life balance.” Other research has found that the ability to find meaning in lost opportunities, whatever form they take, is associated with maturity and happiness.
Finding the negatives in what might have been is more complicated because they are hypothetical, making them harder to imagine. We don’t know what would have happened if we’d remained unmarried or taken that job. Maybe it would have been great, but it could have also gone wrong in all sorts of unforeseeable ways. (The 1998 film Sliding Doors demonstrates this idea, defying our expectations of what the “better” path will be). Though there is no need to dwell on potential catastrophes, recognizing that major downsides were possible—and were averted—can help put things into perspective and counteract the tendency to idealize the unchosen path. This “it could have been worse” mindset is called downward counterfactual thinking and is associated with emotional benefits.
3. What does this tell me about the kinds of things I might regret doing or not doing now when I look back in the future?
When feasible, one good way to cope with regret is to take some sort of corrective action—to rekindle a lost relationship, go back to school, or make amends for a mistake. But research suggests that regret is often most powerful when there is no going back. It’s especially painful when something that could have been changed at one time is no longer possible to change.
But just because the past can’t be undone doesn’t mean all hope is lost. Our biggest regrets reveal what we most value and can point us in a direction that is less likely to result in regret later on. If you regret not spending more time with loved ones in the past, are there ways to make more time now with those who are still with you? Or if you regret not pursuing a dream of becoming a professional musician, maybe there are still opportunities to take music classes or join a local group. In one study, women who made regret-related “midcourse corrections,” such as career changes in midlife, reported greater well-being and less rumination, compared to those who did not make changes.
Sometimes we’re so focused on reprimanding our past selves that we forget to consider our future selves, the ones who will be looking back on our present selves someday—and living with the consequences of our current choices. Studies have shown that these future selves are hard to vividly imagine; they feel distant and abstract, making us less concerned with their well-being. But we will be in their shoes before we know it, so it’s worth asking ourselves: Years from now, what might I wish I was doing differently at this time? Although we are all different, reading about others’ end of life regrets can provide some insight into the types of things that come to matter most, and the ones we might wish we had spent less mental energy on.
It’s hard to go through life without experiencing some level of regret. Every decision has its downsides, and even the safest bets are no guarantee of happiness. Part of what makes regret so heavy is the feeling that something valuable has been irrevocably lost. In some cases, there are very real losses to grieve. But there are also unexpected second chances, happy twists of fate, and new beginnings we never could have planned.
Facebook image: fizkes/Shutterstock
References
Gilovich, T., & Medvec, V. H. (1995). The experience of regret: What, when, and why. Psychological Review, 102(2), 379–395.
King, L. A., & Hicks, J. A. (2007). Whatever happened to “what might have been”? Regret, happiness, and maturity. American Psychologist, 62, 625-636.
Roese, N. J. (1994). The functional basis of counterfactual thinking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 66(5), 805–818.
Roese, N. J., & Summerville, A. (2005). What we regret most... and why. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31(9), 1273–1285.
Zhang, J. W., & Chen, S. (2016). Self-compassion promotes personal improvement from regret experiences via acceptance. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 42(2), 244–258.
