Get Mad...At the Right Person

It seems the Tiger Woods scandal has made cheating everyone's favorite topic, including me. While doing some canoodling research I was shocked to learn that in seven states, Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah, a person who has been cheated on by their spouse not only has the right to seek damages from their spouse, but also has legal standing to sue their spouse's lover. This is called an "alienation of affection" suit. And it's outrageous.

This law allowing legal action to be taken against the person with whom the spouse had an affair is extremely antiquated, thankfully in the United States at least, and dates back to times when a wife was considered the property of a husband. A husband could sue the other man who touched and "ruined" his property just like a person can sue someone who dents their car or breaks their white picket fence.

If you find out your spouse has strayed you have every right to feel devastated, betrayed, furious and litigious. He or she made a solemn promise to be faithful and then broke that promise. Get mad! Leave them, divorce them, try and take them for everything they have if that will make you feel even a tiny bit better, but there is absolutely no point in getting mad at the person with whom they cheated. (Unless of course you had your own friendship with that person which is an entirely different subject.) But assuming the "lover" is an unknown waitress, mailman or rock star, he or she is not the enemy or the problem. He or she never stood in front of your group of family and friends and vowed to be faithful to you. He or she did not claim to love, cherish and honor you till death do you part. He or she is not to blame for your spouse cheating because by blaming the 3rd party you are taking freewill away from your spouse. (Unless you believe in sorcery and think your spouse was bewitched or possessed into cheating, which is highly unlikely.)

Blaming the lover even a little lets your philandering spouse off the hook a little. It doesn't matter how short her skirt was or how charming and rich he was, or how drunk everyone was, your spouse should have had the strength and wherewithal to say, "I'm flattered but I'm married. No thanks."

Yes, ideally no one should be running around with married people but the onus is on the spouse to keep it in his or her pants, since the married person is the one who is breaking a vow. And often the despised accomplice has also been lied to and has no idea the cheater is even married. If the cheater does cop to being married he or she might be giving out misinformation about having an open relationship. And if the accomplice did know the person was married, well they certainly won't be winning any moral compass awards, but they also shouldn't be the ones paying the price for infidelity.

So if your spouse cheats on you, get mad! But get mad at the right person, your spouse.