The Challenge With Self-Compassion

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In a world clouded by a widespread lack of empathy, injustice, and suffering, the notion of self-compassion can seem distant. Even those with an innate tendency towards compassion may struggle to extend kindness to themselves.

This challenge is particularly common among individuals prone to harsh self-criticism. Their inner critic, intensified by societal pressures that glorify individual achievement, blocks self-compassion, often perceiving self-compassion as weakness and self-indulgence.

Self-Criticism

Every person has a side that continuously observes and appraises their actions, giving rise to an inner dialogue. We don’t want to entirely dismiss this inner voice; when it is healthy and constructive, it helps us navigate the world and prompts us to make amends when we have wronged others. However, there is a delicate balance between beneficial self-reflection and harsh self-criticism.

When we face a challenge at work, a healthy inner critic constructively affirms: "This task is daunting, however, you're capable of overcoming this. Look at how many great things you have accomplished in your life." When we make a mistake, it points it out but with a touch of kindness: “I made a mistake. It's okay, everyone makes mistakes at times. How can I fix this or prevent it from happening again?”

In contrast, a harsh inner critic tears one apart, assuming the role of a merciless judge: "You're a failure, utterly worthless! You never should have accepted this position." While constructive self-criticism fosters self-awareness, growth, and resilience, a harsh inner critic can be brutal and demoralizing.

Many, myself included, discover their harsh inner critic through therapy. Before starting therapy, I attributed my struggles to being an "anxious and depressed type." I hadn't yet identified the inner voice driving these emotions. It imposed unattainable standards, heightening feelings of inadequacy and perpetuating a vicious cycle of self-criticism. During one therapy session, my therapist proposed that I should show more kindness to myself. My immediate reaction was, "Why? I didn't do well, I failed." I couldn't comprehend the idea. What does it even mean to be kind to oneself? And why is it often challenging to embrace self-compassion?

Self-Compassion

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Self-compassion entails treating oneself with understanding, acceptance, and kindness, especially during moments of hardship. It acknowledges that imperfection and setbacks are inherent to the human experience, and just as we naturally show care for a friend facing similar challenges, self-compassion directs that same care inward. It involves acknowledging our suffering, whether it be distress, anger, or fear, and tolerating the discomfort these emotions may bring. As we accept our suffering, self-compassion motivates us to take steps to alleviate it. With self-compassion, we cultivate resilience and emotional balance.

Barriers to Self-Compassion

Many people struggle to fully embrace self-compassion due to various barriers, including:

Perception of the Inner Critic as a Motivator. Self-critical individuals tend to view their inner critics as a motivational force driving them toward their achievements, a perspective reinforced by cultural norms that tout self-criticism as a motivational tool. Consequently, they tend to hold the belief that success requires relentless pushing, often praising themselves for their unforgiving stance. When encouraged to treat themselves more kindly, they perceive it as "letting their guard down," fearing that their self-compassionate attitude will undermine their motivation, and make them weak and lazy.

Self-Criticism as a Way of Coping With Life’s Challenges. For many people, self-criticism has been the way they cope with life’s difficulties. When life throws stress their way, they instinctively turn their critical gaze inward, evaluating themselves through a lens of harsh judgment. The tendency to criticize oneself stems from early experiences and upbringing. People raised in environments lacking warmth or subjected to frequent criticism often internalize this negative stance. In a way, they discover relief in self-criticism, as criticizing themselves before the world fosters a sense of preparedness, creating a buffer that can potentially alleviate the hurt.

When we engage in inner rehearsals, specific neural pathways are stimulated in the brain. Repetitive self-criticism activates certain pathways associated with negative emotions and self-judgment, reinforcing these patterns. This continuous rehearsal perpetuates the cycle of self-criticism, making it a familiar and automatic self-regulating response to life's challenges. In contrast, practicing self-compassion activates different neural pathways linked to feelings of safety, acceptance, and supportive encouragement, offering an alternative approach to coping with difficulties.

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Feelings of Undeservingness. Self-critical individuals often harbor a belief that they are undeserving of kindness and understanding. This belief can be traced back to deep-seated shame, rooted in past experiences of humiliation, which imprint a sense of unworthiness and inadequacy. These unresolved experiences continue to influence their lives, shaping their perceptions and reactions to present circumstances.

These people may believe that if others were to understand their thoughts and perceive their true essence, they would not deem them deserving of kindness or understanding. Consequently, they find it challenging to speak kindly to themselves and resist acts of kindness from others, dismissing positive affirmations as insincere gestures aimed at fulfilling societal expectations or manipulation.

The Challenge With Self-Criticism

Despite recognizing the harmful impact of self-criticism, many find it challenging to let go of this pattern. Their inner critic provides a sense of comfort. Giving up self-criticism can be like stepping into the unknown — there's a looming dread of losing one's self-identity, born from a longstanding dependence on self-criticism as a crutch during life's toughest moments. However, when we are overly self-critical, bouncing back from setbacks is harder. Our self-critical tendencies spill over into our relationships, straining our connections with others. Instead, through the practice of self-compassion, we can discover a different way of navigating the world and counteract the harmful effects of self-criticism.

Nurturing Self-Compassion

Deeply ingrained and well-rehearsed, self-criticism often proves resistant to change. Shaped by early relationships, a harsh inner critic can find healing through relationships in adulthood. Hence, therapy emerges as a powerful way to diminish self-criticism and foster self-compassion.

Therapists employing Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) use a range of techniques to encourage self-compassion. One notable technique involves the introduction of two-chair self-soothing dialogue, wherein clients actively engage in both caregiving and care-receiving roles toward themselves. In this scenario, the client is guided to envision themselves as a vulnerable child who has encountered challenging experiences, sitting in a chair before them. The therapist asks the client to recall the hardships and pain of that child's experiences, posing the question, "What do you feel toward that child?" This approach aims to evoke self-compassion in response to the child's suffering, helping the client recognize the needs of their inner child. Subsequently, the therapist encourages the client to consider whether they could extend the same caring response to this inner child within themselves. The nurturing of their "inner child" allows clients to extend kindness and empathy for themselves.

In the context of a strong and secure therapeutic relationship, individuals can cultivate lasting capacities for self-compassion that extend beyond therapy. However, the ongoing practice of self-compassion remains important also beyond therapy sessions. Similar to working out a muscle, the more consistent the effort, the stronger self-compassion becomes over time.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.