Why Comparing Yourself to Your Partner Might Be Good for You

Have you compared yourself with your romantic partner today? If so, do not worry: Everyday social comparison is a common behavior in romantic relationships.

But how does social comparison between partners affect their well-being? Findings from a study conducted by Rebecca T. Pinkus and colleagues showed that romantic relationships work differently than friendships: Other than friends, romantic partners feel more pleasant and more satisfied after upward comparisons. The likely reason is that partners share closeness and interdependence, which means: Your qualities are my qualities. So, social comparison between romantic partners is nothing to worry about. It may even be something beneficial.

Who's better? Social comparison in couples.

Source: Barbara Egin, used with permission

Social Comparison Between Partners

The communication theorist Paul Watzlawick said once: “One cannot not communicate." This phrase, or axiom, is probably truer for romantic relationships than for any other social relationship. Why? Romantic relationships are characterized by high levels of interdependence. This means that the thoughts, behaviors, and feelings of one partner have an impact on the thoughts, behaviors, and feelings of the other partner. In this context, it is interesting to take a closer look at social comparison between partners: Do partners compare themselves with each other? How often does social comparison occur in partners’ daily lives? How does it affect their well-being? Let’s imagine the couple Lily and Tom. Lily is very sportive and enjoys hiking. Tom is an excellent cook and enjoys reading historical books. Does Lily and Tom compare each other’s qualities? And how does this social comparison make them feel?

A Study on Everyday Social Comparison

This question was central to the study that Rebecca T. Pinkus from the University of Toronto conducted together with her colleagues. The researchers conducted four studies, in which they assessed people in their daily lives. The goal was to better understand how often partners report social comparison and how they feel following the comparison. The samples were composed of individuals and couples from young and middle adulthood.

More Upward Than Downward Comparison

What did the authors find? As expected, romantic partners compare themselves. So, Lily compares her qualities with those of Tom and Tom compares his skills with those of Lily. The average number of daily comparisons was two, which is comparable with previous findings on this topic. In most cases, the direction of the comparison was upward (41 percent) compared to lateral (27 percent) and downward (32 percent). Upward comparison would mean that Tom compares his hiking skills with those of Lily. Lily’s skills will be superior to his own skills.

Feelings After Upward Comparison

When people do upward comparisons, they often feel a threat of their self-evaluations: The other person is better than oneself. With romantic relationships, however, the case was different: Participants felt better following upward comparison compared to downward comparison. This “affective boost,” as the authors phrased it, was shown in that participants felt more positive and satisfied about their partner and the relationship. This boost was found for domains of abilities, skills, knowledge, general traits, and housework-related domains but not for domains of interpersonal skills, physical appearance, and work-related aspects. Participants also felt better after comparisons when they reported high closeness with their partner—irrespective of the direction of comparison.

The Difference Between Partners and Friends

The finding that people feel positive following upward comparisons is interesting and surprising. Among friends and acquaintances, people tend to respond negatively to superior comparisons. So, what is the difference between superior partners and superior friends? A possible difference is that people share a higher level of empathy and shared outcomes with their partner than with a friend. Thus, couple members may less strictly differentiate between their qualities but rather use a shared perspective. This shared perspective is also affected by how much closeness is in the relationship: The more closeness partners feel for each other, the more likely it is that they perceive each other’s skills as shared skills.

How to Learn From Each Other

Participants also showed specific behavioral reactions to comparisons: They sought to bring their own and their partner’s performance into alignment—either by improving themselves to the level of the more superior partner or by aiding the inferior partner. Together, this helps partners to jointly develop themselves in the context of a romantic relationship. Applied to our example couple, this could mean that Lily learns how to better cook, and Tom is guided by Lily to be more active and supportive. Importantly, to be beneficial for both partners, this process should be communal and reciprocal: Constantly offering assistance to one partner without receiving any benefits may have a negative impact. In the best case, unequal qualities and skills are an invitation to learn from each other and to grow, both individually and as a couple.

Take-Home Message

So, what can we learn from this study? The next time you compare yourself with your partner and feel that the other person is superior to you, you may feel threatened in your self-evaluations. As a second reaction, however, you may appreciate the positive qualities and skills of your partner because they are part of your shared outcomes. Moreover, the unequal skills and qualities may help you and your partner to grow and to develop.