How to Choose Safe People in 2024

Research continues to show that positive and affirming relationships are central to our mental health and physical well-being. Much of our happiness and success in life depends on our ability to discern and choose trustworthy people to work with, start romantic relationships with, and befriend. For most of us, when we think back on the most enjoyable times in our lives, those memories often include people we deeply enjoyed. Likewise, when we think of some of the more painful seasons of our lives, they are often associated with people who either betrayed us or did not seek our best interests. Therefore, a new year of increased joy and peace may entail learning how to choose safe people and being able to discern which relationships you may need to discontinue or set boundaries around.

When looking for safe people, one of the key characteristics worth considering is whether or not they are wise. In a previous post, I wrote about five qualities of wise people. Whether we consider whom to work for, whom to begin a romance with, or whom to befriend, choosing wise persons to do life with will be critical to our peace and happiness. Wise people are characterized, in part, by their ability to relate well with others, seek the common good, regulate their emotions, and exhibit good character during times of crisis. Psychologists Grossmann and Dorfman have summarized five key traits of wise people who undoubtedly would be good to live, work, and play with:

1. Humility: Humility has been identified as a key characteristic of wisdom from Aristotle all the way down to present-day scholars on humility. We can never feel safe in a relationship with someone who does not value our personhood, our hearts and minds, and what we contribute to the world. Humble people both have a positive sense of their self-worth and also value what others have to bring to a relationship or project.
2. Ability to acknowledge different points of view: Wise people welcome various perspectives as they recognize their own limitations. Safe people are those whom you know you can disagree with without fear of their response. They are more interested in hearing what you actually think and how you truly feel than hearing an echo of their perspective.
3. Ability to balance objectivity with an appreciation of the emotions of others: Wise people are able to balance head and heart. They are able to empathize deeply with the pain and concerns of those they do life with and consider how their actions may impact others. At the same time, they do not allow their emotions or feelings to dictate their actions. Even during times of intense emotion, they know how to access their intellect and rationality.
4. Awareness that situations and social relations can change: Safe people understand that life has its ebbs and flows, and can empathize with a change in your life situation without undue anger or resentment. For example, if you go through a period of withdrawal as a result of an intense season of grief, safe people are able to place your possible emotional distance in context and be there for you even when you don’t have the strength to be there for them.
5. Keeping the long view in mind: Wise people aren’t impulsive. They recognize that none of us are perfect and that if we are to have long-term positive relationships, we will have conflict. They are willing and able to work through conflict and are able to do so because they do not allow their emotions to distract them from their ultimate values and goals, such as sustaining healthy relationships.

It's important to remember that wise people choose their close relationships carefully. If we want to be among the wise, we must inhabit these traits ourselves. This may mean having enough humility to take ownership of our mistakes in previous relationships. It will most certainly mean not being impetuous in our decisions on whom to relate closely with. We will have to balance our own heads and hearts if we are able to have the empathy and emotional stability needed to sustain close interpersonal relationships. Fortunately, experts on wisdom agree that we can grow in all of these traits, and we can, therefore, hope to grow in wisdom in 2024.